TBBM XXI. Just Trust Me

I woke up as sun beams peeped through my window, as if Vitamin D visiting my skin early in the morning, stirring me awake. I reached for my window and opened it fully, welcoming the swell of yellow light, warming me. I stared at my reflection in the mirror. It had been a week, almost. My head no longer pulsated. I didn't feel very weak, anymore. Surprisingly, my skin was no longer as oily, and my face, looked a little more supple.

I stared at the couple of dresses by the closet that my mother bought me. I felt my heart race every time I had my eyes on them, but at the same time, it was very relieving to know that one day, I'd get to wear them.

"One day, you'll see," I whispered to myself.

Today, I decided to change my hair. Obviously, my hair wasn't in the perfect condition. But today, I thought I should let it down. I worried they might stick out too much and fly away since my hair was wavy, hence, I found myself trying on the setting spray. I told you, my mother was even more excited than me in this, so she bought me allot of stuff---this one, included. She also got me hair pins.

My phone broke last time I went to Red's and it hadn't worked anymore, ever since. I kept borrowing my mother's phone to update James & Roma & Betty time and time again---they were the very few people I was close with---or at least, close enough to want to check up on me.

My mother asked James last Monday to pick up my excuse letter so I'd be allowed---officially---to take the week off. But he never saw me physically. I didn't want him to see me as I started transitioning. Knowing him, he must have missed me, allot.

In just a bit, I heard James' car pulled over on the side. We never agreed on coming to school together but, I half-expected him to do this. He missed me. He knew I was returning today.

I grabbed my sling bag and hurried out of my room. Oh-but, I realised I forgot the hair pin so I ran back again and fixed myself in the mirror.

"Do I use the yellow one? Or the red?" I mused.

I picked the white one, instead.

"Daughter!" strangely, my mother started calling me fondly; as if the way she behaved with me needed to transition, too. But, nevertheless, it was a welcome improvement. "Hurry! James is here waiting."

I started walking down the stairs, as ceremoniously as I could, whispering short prayers with each step. I wondered if I looked ridiculous with my hair pin, but, I knew he would never leave me, nonetheless.

"Hi!," I called as I reached downstairs, biting my lip, twitching. "Good... morning."

James choked on his coffee, gaping. I probably looked awful.

"Very well," my mother remarked, almost clapping. She didn't normally speak well of my appearance. "Looks good on you."

"J-jap?" James' smile reached both ears. "You look... different."

"Jim-jim..." I baby-talked.

"Jap-jap..." he baby-talked, too. "Good different."

My mother still shook her head, like she used to, hearing us baby talk. It was funny.

+++

James drove us to school. He seemed a bit lighter now. He seemed more himself. I couldn't tell why he kept on glancing at me; but he smiled every time, after.

"D-do you think I should just remove---" I muttered, looking at myself consciously in the overhead mirror.

"Ssssh!" he stopped me, holding my arm down. It was weird that didn't feel like a James move. It felt like somebody else's. "You look awesome. I promise. Actually, I just can't believe it's you. That's all. I don't know."

We still had less than thirty minutes to class when we arrived. He opened the door on my side.

"Eh?" I stared at him, puzzled.

"Come down now to Earth. I'm your serviceman, my princess," he said, smiling. That smile never left his face. "Actually, you should put your hand on my arms."

"Is that necessary?"

"It's your comeback."

"Jim-jim..." I baby talked, again.

"Jap-jap..."

We took our way down the hall to class. Strangely, I'd been getting so much stares; in fact, even more than I used to attract.

"Are you sure I looked just fine?" I pressed his arm.

"More than fine, Jap," he assured.

In a few minutes, the first period bell would ring. Despite the stares, everyone was practically in a hurry. Those in charged of the bulletin board hastily took the old postings off and replaced them with the new one.

Fifty-four days to the Great Star Formation---it read.

"No way!" Mr. Vizca half screamed as he saw me. "I heard from Gracie. New blood indeed."

"Good morning, Sir," James greeted.

"Yes, James. Handsome as always," he returned. "How are you, Miss Magat?"

"Uhm... feeling New Blood, I guess," it was awkward. But he made sense, I almost literally had new blood in me. He made a theoretically good point.

We'd been met with a few more chit chats on the corridor after Mr. Vizca but we eventually reached

our room.

James aimed for the door---but somebody opened it from the inside, in a hurry, speeding past us.

"Piss br---H-Hicks!?" it was Boasty. For a moment, he looked really delighted to see me. He grabbed my face in his palms, excitedly. "Hicks!"

"Don't touch me!" I tried to break free. I thought he was going to harm me, but---

"Bro," James pushed his hand away.

Red looked at James, annoyed. He removed his hands from my face but held my right arm, after.

"Y-you were gone," he paused. But he froze when he saw me clinging to James on the side. The delight in his face faded. Then, he walked away. "Never mind."

We went on to class.

I expected my classmates would react but I never thought it'd be that wild.

"Whoa!" Cliffy & Mar started the cheering. Roma, Betty, Cy, Hugo, Lorraine, Noriella, they all joined in. The boys whistled and clapped. To my surprise, James started clapping, too.

Cecie and Phao looked surprised too, but did not join the cheering. Angie rolled her eyes at me.

"T-thanks," I covered my ears. They were loud.

Red came back, looking at me---but not with his usual devil stare. In truth, he looked like he wanted to say something. I felt guilty for what I did earlier… for pushing his hands away when he just wanted to greet me.

+++

Miss Bagui, the professor, started the lecture soon as she came.

I caught Roma looking our way so I smiled at her. She gave me two thumbs up. She was always so supportive.

"James," I called lowly. "Roma did really well in the kitchen. I hoped I brought you some of her food. It's really tasty---and free. It makes me hungry."

"That makes me hungry, too," James returned.

"Hmmmm," Red did some stretching. "Freeloader."

I eyed at him. How could he intrude my private moments with James?

"What?" he mouthed.

Red was being mean again, but there was something strange in the way he looked at me; as if there was something tender in it. His lips moved like he was about to say something but---

"Eyes on the board," James nudged me.

+++

James couldn't have lunch with me since he had to meet with his next period classmates for a group work.

What would today be like without James? I was only able to shrug off all the nerves because he was by my side. I literally pinched him every time I got overwhelmed earlier today.

Dear Saint,

I thank you for giving me James. Oh but---I forgot to ask him if he was okay now.

+++

We didn't have Maths today. We waited in the room for a few minutes but the checker told us eventually that the Faculty had an urgent meeting and that the professor wouldn't make it in class.

Soon as the announcement was made, the class rejoiced and packed their things. But just as everyone was about to leave, the door swung open.

"For a moment, guys," it was Boast-Red.

Darn it. I felt bad calling him inconsiderately like that. It was weird. Was it just my hormones? I knew I should expect mood swings and stuff but... I-I wanted to hear what he had to say.

The whole class stopped to listen to him. Impressive. He was new but already, he had command on everyone. When I was the president, I only got a few of them to listen to me. I'd even get really shy if I had to tell them to do anything.

"He's so cool," I said to myself.

"Alright," he leaned against the door. He was tall and he spoke with authority---but not too much. "There'll be an exhibit this upcoming College Bazaar. It's actually a contest. We have to prepare local desserts with a twist. The theme---something healthy."

"Question," the Queen Bee interrupted. "Is that love? My love is healthy!"

"True!" Cecie and Phao seconded, giggling and clapping to themselves. "I can't believe you actually said that!?"

"What did I tell you?" Phao reminded. "We are DDJ! Drop Dead Gorgeous!"

Cy bolted to the floor, laughing. She was a big woman with a blaring laugh. The class joined the cackle. It was the first time they heard Phao say it, after all.

Red looked pleased, "Any more suggestions?"

"I know someone," Noriella raised her hand. Noriella was one of the top students in class. She loved parties but she never let it affect her studies. "Cy is good making rice cakes!"

"Rice cake?" Red appeared confused.

He eyed at me, looking for a clue.

"Cake but not bread," I mouthed.

"Me too," Hugo volunteered. She was one of the most-behaved in our block. Her family operated a fish farm. "Fish chips."

"Fish!?" Red's eyebrows gathered, confused.

"Yeah. We have that allot."

"Urm," Red cleared his throat. He looked more disgusted by the suggestion more than intrigued. It wasn't unexpected that he didn't know any of those. Those kinds of food would never end up being served in the McIntyre residence. Even now, a part of me still thought that their house was just a dream. I was drawing a caricature of Red's face on the desk as I listened to him. "Whoever would like to bring their specialties, just let the General Planner know... and that's Hicks."

I wouldn't have caught that if not for my classmates looking at me.

"What?"

"I appoint you as General Planner," he recapped, rubbing his finger on his nose bridge.

"Huh? Isn't the President supposed to be that?"

"I appointed you, though."

I wondered what his plan was. he never previously told me about this. But for real, what bothered me more was the way he looked at me. There was something about it---like joy or something---that I couldn't decipher.

"Everyone, class photo," he ordered.

"No!" Cecie shrieked. "Do my eyebrows, Phao!"

Class photos are a yearly thing. It is a way of recording our young happy moments in college along with our dear classmates. It was a simple thing to do but could potentially painstakingly take a long time to accomplish. Why? One, because almost everybody required retouch; and two, some people were simply allergic to being photographed---I was one. I found excuse in being the president before. I usually took the photos myself so I had the perfect alibi not to be in the frame.

"Alright," even Red's command had no power over touch-ups. "Five minutes, guys. Five minutes of re-touch only."

I walked up to Red as the crowd was hooked into tidying up their looks. He had his eyes on the camera, adjusting the settings. He must be taking sample shots, too. No, I didn't want to be in any photos.

I half-worried that he'd deny me but I took the chance anyway.

"Can we talk...?" I grabbed his left arm with two hands. Electricity. I let go."Awww."

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

"Aw," he flinched, too. "Did we just get electrocuted?"

"Outside," I requested. I didn't want to be teased again.

"Hicks," he called, smiling as we stepped out. "Can you do that again?"

"D-do what?"

"What you did earlier. We sparked or something---"

"Must be your shoes---"

"Come on," he pointed the camera to me. "Do it again."

"A-actually, I don't like to be photographed. And I was gonna ask you to let me take the class photo instead?" I bit my lip, nervously.

"What if I don't like to?" he started taking shots of me.

"Nooooo! Please! I'd be the planner. But don't take---"

"Why, again?" he paused and looked at me. "You told me you wanted to be strong and be normal. Do you think avoiding the cam is bloody normal? It's just a photo, Hicks."

"Red," I grabbed his left arm again. We had static. "Awww."

"Don't move," despite the static, he steadied my hands on his arm and started clicking on the camera.

"No. I don't want to---"

"You're still my slave, this semester," he reminded. He was gritting his teeth like he had no self-control. "Don't defy me, Hicks."

I pouted. I couldn't help it. Before I knew it, I was crying.

"Hey. Hey. A-are you for real? Are you crying?"

"You're so mean. I hate it when you're back to being mean like that. You can be the version that somehow cared about others. Actually, you're more handsome when you behave like a good person instead of a jerk who made people feel bad about themselves, you know? When I was a frosh, they took a photo of me like that, too. I happily obliged, despite myself. But they made a Wanted sign out of it. And everyone mocked me after. They posted it everywhere. It was a nightmare and I avoided it, since. But here you are now..."

He stood there, completely flustered seeing me cry. But he was smiling, too; totally without regard to my feelings. I couldn't control my tears. I cried even more as I saw him smile. It was odd that I cried like that.

"Sssh," he hugged me. "Look. I didn't know what happened to you before. I know how trauma feels like. Trust me. But stop wasting your tears on nothing. Your ugly becomes uglier when you cry, so... Hahaha..."

"How can you not stop making fun of me?" I cried even more. He called me ugly again. Truthfully, I just wanted him to somehow, call me pretty. Was that me being petty?

He hugged me back, even tighter.

"Sssh," he shushed me again. "Stop crying, already. I'll bloody protect you. I swear. I'm your master, remember? Just trust me. Stop defying my wishes. Stop doubting me. Just trust me."

Just trust me.

Just trust me.

Just trust me.

Those words lingered in my ears. They felt reassuring.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

My heart felt like exploding.