TBBM LV. Next To James

"We always said that. We always said that she wanted to get her birthmark removed. But it's just an alias. It's a magical sheath that covered the deepest wish of her heart," Mr. Vizca said, rather more carefully.

"I don't believe I follow," Red dug even deeper. "What is it that Hickey wants?"

Mr. Vizca lost the words to proceed further. It didn't seem that Red was picking up on where he was leading the conversation. What would a guy like Red know?

"It's tricky and there could be complications," I spoke under the cover of my hair. "I'm getting a Gender Confirmation Surgery."

"What?" Red's face turned into a jungle. "You mean they will operate on your body and change---"

"Yes," I stood dismissively. "Who cares?"

+++

Dear Saint,

Red had been acting weird since he learned of my plan. I wanted to be really happy that some good samaritan heard my prayers and decided to help me---but it felt like Red's reaction caused me to reach a bottleneck. He wasn't saying anything. He just... he looked dazed, confused. I couldn't really tell. Did he realise now what I really am? Did he change his mind now about me? He said that he missed me---that was very heartwarming, to be honest.

I wonder if he'll treat me any different now... now that he knew. What could he be thinking? I hate it.

('__')

+++

~~~Excursion Day~~~

I had no idea I'd join this trip until James texted me last night to tell me that he already paid for my ticket. He purposely told me this late so I wouldn't have time enough to return it. But I didn't like it that my friends were spending for me while I couldn't give them anything back.

James, along with the other irregulars, was joining us in this trip so we were given a slightly bigger coach than that of the last.

We assembled early to ensure that we maximised the day. Roma and I decided to go to the restroom while our classmates crowded over the door of the bus.

"I'm so glad you made it today," Roma said, jumpy. "I made us goodies."

"Now that you said that, I feel even more ashamed," I pouted. "I never get to buy you guys anything. I'll get back to you one day when I'm rich."

"Don't be silly," she laughed it off.

Kidding aside, I owed Roma allot. If I didn't become friends with her, I probably wouldn't be anywhere near this new me. She was humble and bright and brave--- traits I remembered wishing to have for myself three years ago.

"Hey," she brought a blue box out on the counter. "I bought him a watch. Do you think he'd like this?"

"For whom?" I asked, surprised.

"Uhhh..." she hesitated for a moment, as she touched her new necklace. "James helped me re-paint my room in the last two weeks. I thought I ought to give him something."

"Re-paint?"

"I'm sorry I forgot to tell you. It just happened... that we ate out and talked about it. You know he's a specially helpful guy..."

They ate out?

They re-painted her room?

Suddenly, I my heart stopped beating. I pretended that I was okay. But I couldn't stop the overflow of thoughts that flooded my front lobe. I hated it.

Erase. Erase.

+++

I and Roma hopped on the bus soon after. James raised his hands for us. But then, I realised that there were only two seats on each sides of the bus. I felt like my heart was breaking. I had always felt secure about James but that day, I feared that I wasn't anymore.

We walked mid-section to where James was seated in. My knees quivered with every step I made, playing every scenario in my head as I did. I needed to keep cool in case he chose Roma over me. I couldn't breathe.

James stood out on the aisle anticipating me and Roma. I wasn't sure what he was going to do. I almost closed my eyes premeditating my defeat when somebody grabbed me to the right side, one step ahead of where James was seated.

"You look like you're crying inside," he spoke softly.

"Boasty..." I looked up to fight my tears off. He read me correctly. I was really trying hard not to cry.

I looked over to the back on the opposite side and saw Roma and James happily leaning in to each other. James waved to me. I faked a smile.

"Do you realise now?" Red rested his arm on my shoulder. "You really didn't know?"

"What do you mean 'know'?"

"I kept telling you not to fantasise about that basketball player---"

I cried.

"Hicks," he placed my head on to his lap as he quietly tried to pacify me. "Come on. People will think I did something to you."

It was a good thing the music on board was loud and upbeat. I was almost certain that only Red knew about me crying. I couldn't control the sensation. My stomach heaved. My heart felt like it was sinking.

"I saw them out a couple of times. By the way your basketball player looked at her, I knew he must have feelings for her," Red said while he ran his fingers on my hair. "I knew you'd react this way. So, I didn't tell you."

Minutes passed and my tears still would not let up. This feeling of heartbreak wasn't entirely foreign to me. I'd felt this before---with my father. He broke my heart every time he showed me that he didn't like what I was becoming.

"Come on, Hicks. It's alright. Stop crying already," he kept tapping on my head gently. "I'll keep you company so you don't feel alone too much."

That was the last thing audible I heard of him. In the next few minutes, I still heard him but it was like my brain lacked the capability to decode his message. It felt empty, locked away.

My mind brought me back to that night in James' house when I thought he was going to confess his feelings to me... He said he liked somebody---was that Roma? All this time, I thought he liked me. But was it Roma all along? He gave me a slambook---was that because he wanted me to find someone else to like? But why was he so protective of me? Why would he so comfortably hold my hands? Why would he embrace me? Why would he call my mother, 'mom'? Why did he openly show jealousy when I was alone with Red allot? Why?

I cried my eyes out to every single flashes of memory I had with James. I wept until my brain was tired enough to even stay awake. I wept for when I saw Roma next to James.