TBBM LVI. Operation Jealousy

I cried my eyes out to every single flashes of memory I had with James. I wept until my brain was tired enough to even stay awake.

+++

I woke up to Red laughing at some random videos online. I realised that I fell fast asleep on his lap. He was probably making fun of me as I cried helplessly.

I sat up straight, carefully caressing my stiff backbone, paining me due to the prolonged period of stooping down. I glanced back to James and Roma---she fell asleep on his shoulder. It felt like a boa constrictor was gripping me in the chest. I couldn't breathe seeing James like that with another girl. I couldn't.

My eyes started to flood with tears again.

"Here," Red handed me his hanky casually. "You really had no idea this was happening?"

I shook my head.

"What did you tell me before?" he put his phone down. "You told me to stop crying over someone who doesn't feel the same for me. Remember that?"

I closed my eyes and sobbed.

"How poor," he teased. "Look at you.You look like a butt crying."

"Stop teasing me. I'm really---"

"Aye. Aye," he put his arm around me. "I'll let you lean on me. This is your special privilege since I'm your master. You should know you're lucky for I let you be this close to me?"

I paused to glance back at them. James' lips curved into a smile as they both slept.

"Stop looking at him, will you?" he brought a pack of biscuit out of his pocket. "Here. Eat. Make yourself feel better."

I grabbed the biscuit from his hand. I realised I was starving, crying like crazy for the last hour or so. I broke it into three and gorged on it rebelliously. Red's expressions were borderline reveling. But I couldn't care enough about what he was thinking.

"Right. Food makes you a better person," he smiled in awe.

"My medications make me hungry," I sobbed.

"Must be. I don't remember you eating like this before---"

"You haven't really known me that long---"

"Yes. But I'd been watching you. You're quite entertaining."

"You can only really know so much about a person. I've known James for years and now, he's dating another girl and I didn't even---"

"Eat---" Red took the biscuit from my hands and pushed it in my mouth. "Just move on already. It actually irks me that you kept babbling about that basketball player while I'm here. I'm a far better specie!"

"Jim-jim. My Jim jim," I sobbed as I glanced at him one more time.

"You're so annoying," Red breathed heavily. "You look at him again and I'm gone. I really won't even speak to you. I'll leave you alone here. I'll let other girls lean on to me. I won't mind you or give you food or drive you home or let you lean to me or---"

"Can you hold your phone up a little?" I adjusted the phone that he was holding to a certain angle so it allowed me to peek at James on the other side when the screen lights turned off.

I could see that Red wasn't very pleased about it but all I really cared about at that moment was James. I was scared to lose him. I wanted him. I wanted to be the girl on his side. I wanted him to like me back. I wanted him to date me.

I cried quietly as the trip went on, looking at James through Red's screen that he was holding up for me.

The chauffeur had a nice upbeat song in the background that didn't quite jive with my current state of loss. Nonetheless, it was a peaceful ride as most of my classmates either dozed or busied themselves on their mobile.

+++

In an hour and a half, we arrived at our first stop at the National Agricultural University.

My classmates whizzed awake so I immediately dried my face with Red's hanky. He was quietly burning in anger next to me, displeased that I made him hold his phone up in the air for long.

"That's it," he confronted me. "I can't believe you made me bloody hold my phone like that just so you---"

"Thank you, Red Romeo," I covered his mouth, making coy expressions.

"What!? What did you just call me?" his face brightened up. "Say that again."

"Red Romeo," I mumbled. "Even your name is handsome."

"I didn't hear you. What?" he was suddenly smiling.

"I said you're handsome and gentlemanly---"

"And?" his voice vibrated excitedly.

"And so, I should let you find your date, too. I should stop bothering you from now on," I stood from my seat and bowed to him. "I'll leave you now."

"Hickey!" he closed his eyes in frustration.

+++

It was such a big school with a huge farm in it---or more appropriately, a farm with a school in it.

We were initially gathered at the main hall where they discussed to us the importance of farming and the recent farming trends in the market. They also played an AVP of what they thought farming would be like in the future.

I purposely stayed at the back, away from my class so I could see James from a distance while making sure that he'd never be able to find me. I felt my phone vibrate in my bag with his every text message. How could I even dare look at it? Even that phone was borrowed from him. Even my attendance in this trip was paid for by him.

All my mind was occupied by the idea of James and how it skipped my radar that he had another girl in his heart. I tried my best to avoid crying each time but some spillovers still crossed my cheeks time and time again.

I was barely in the right state of mind to actually pay attention to the other students nearby. But, over time, my mind caught some constant sighs that I realised were following me.

Red.

He was walking a meter away from me in that gray oversized v-neck tee and a black cap worn backside front. His hands were tuck in his jeans, looking displeased.

"Why are you following me?" I faced him.

"It's not like I want to," he said, nonchalantly. "Buddy system."

"You can go," I cleared my throat. "I don't want to trouble you. Go and enjoy yourself."

"How do you think can I enjoy when you're like that, huh?" he got his hand on his phone and started taking photos of the nature around us. "We have to head back to barracks in an hour. Don't forget."

"I don't want to bother you. Just leave me alone and enjoy---"

"Fine! Keep walking. Cry as much as you want. Scream even," he stopped. "I won't tell you to stop anymore. But I'll stay here at your back. I'll mind my own business so you should mind yours, too. Understood?"

I rarely saw Red to be that understanding. It was refreshing, heartwarming. If only I wasn't heartbroken, I might actually appreciate him more.

I walked and walked in the field of yellow-ish weeds that stretched on one side of the university. I went past a barn where the four-legged animals were kept and fed. I saw cars being loaded with barrels of milk. I basked in the sun as the wind blew cold. I launched my feet to unfamiliar places until I got a better grip of myself.

As soon as I stepped on a shade, I turned around, marveling at how the impatient Red dutifully followed me around without grunting or complaining.

"What?" he studied my face.

"Thank you," I looked down at my feet. "You were a bit nice today."

"You know, it's good to be away and find distractions, sometimes. I did that, too. I drank way too much---every single night. You even judged me for it," he looked on to the field. "But you'll have to find your way back, eventually."

"I have no idea how to face him," I looked over to the field, too. The cold breeze blew towards us, through our hair. "I'm tempted to just avoid him. But I know that's not possible."

"Indeed," he pouted. "If you really like that basketball player---"

"James---"

"If you really like James---whatever," he spoke, face serious. "You have to effin' fight. Why do you always readily accept defeat? That's not the Hickey I know. Again, if you can be rude and unconcerned to me, you can do that to him, too."

"It's too late. I knew it judging from his smile. When he smiles like that he--"

"How do you even know it's too late? You haven't even told him."

"I'm pretty sure he knew how I feel even if I don't say it---"

"You're really one kind of a hard-headed."

"Wait," I backed up a little. "I thought you don't like him. Why are you suddenly shipping me and him?"

"Do I look like I'm having fun?" he looked up to the sky. "But I reckon, that's much better than seeing you sulking around like this."

"What do you think should I do?"

"You can use me if you want to make him jealous."