TBBM LXII. The Girls Who Skipped Recollection

"To complete your fantasy," Red appeared next to me, offering me an ice cream cone.

He knew ice cream cones made me happy. I thought that was so nice of him. I watched Red and his perfectly handsome face flashing me his calmest smile with fireworks on the backdrop.

+++

I hadn't been able to sleep really well the nights following. I kept seeing James and Roma kissing sneakily even in my dreams at night. I frequently woke up crying but I tried so hard not to wake my mother up or cause a scene.

It pained me. It pained me so bad.

My phone buzzed awake about three or more times each night from James' messages. I felt bad about ignoring him. But I couldn't really face him or talk to him just yet. Roma used to leave me messages, too---but not as many as James did. I replied to her casually, impersonally.

Then, there was Red, whose kindness had surprisingly not expired yet. He used to call me at night, to check if I was okay. He used to only text me, but lately, he'd been calling. It felt strange that he was trying hard to cheer me up, while I was unable to respond with the same energy to it.

All I really wanted was to be alone.

Dear Saint,

Why does it feel like something's clinching my heart? Other times, I feel so hollow inside---like my insides do not exist. I feel like I'm all empty. I stopped crying a few days after. But every time I get to see James' messages, I just... I feel like I'm falling off a pit.. It was like crashing down to nothingness.

(T_____T)

I went to school trying to act normal while consciously keeping my distance from James and Roma. I talked to them when they talked to me, albeit merely laconic responses with no eye-contact. I managed to fake a smile each time but it hurt me inside.

I started sitting next to Red all the time---to be precise, that was actually me, trying to stay hidden and distanced from James. I had lunch with him. I went to the library with him. I spent allot of time with him. Red was surprisingly very nice and accommodating. Somehow, it made me get some semblance of stability inside me.

On the other hand, I could see frustration drawn all over James' face each time I responded to him cold. It broke my heart seeing him get frustrated like that. I felt like being internally torn every time he'd drop by my house and I'd lock myself up in my room to avoid him. My room never had a door. But we put one so I could avoid him.

"You," my mother thundered as she carried my dinner over to my room after James left, one night. "How long are you going to resist James? What now? You're just going to throw away all those times you were friends? Wasn't he good to you? Wasn't he there by your side? You avoid him now because you're suddenly all about Red McIntyre? He's a great choice, but you shouldn't cut ties with people like that."

My mother was very good at gathering speculations. She saw me hanging out with Red allot lately so she thought all this was because of him.

"Mother," I called weakly, not looking. "James. He and Roma are together now."

My mother's hands shook as she held the food tray. She immediately laid it down the table and sat with me. I'd never allowed my mother to see me cry so bad---but I did that night. I did, until I fell asleep.

~~~Recollection Day~~~

The PAC Girls usually escaped Recollection Days. They'd either call in sick and travel or party or go out of town to shop rather than be in the presence of solemnity and peace and reconciliation. I knew where their meet up place was. I saw them bailed out of the occasion and planned their own at least thrice in the last six semesters. I never really understood them until today came.

How can I sit there attending formation activities while keeping so much to myself and not being vocal about my true feelings? James was attending our class' schedule and I couldn't find anything right in the moment to sit there with him acting like nothing was wrong.

Red was supposed to pick me up today and drive to school together. He sounded rather pleased to have me ride with him---I meant that it was different from his usually cold and uncaring demeanour---but I couldn't really understand why.

"Red," I called him an hour before he actually drove to my place. "Don't come for me today."

"You mean not to drive to school together?" he sounded alarmed as he did his morning ropes.

"Uhm," I nodded, as if he was going to see me nod.

"Why? Are you sick? What happened?"

"Nah, I'm cool mate," I copied his coolness.

"What!?" he stopped. "Mate? You must be sick, eh?"

"I can't come today. I don't want to be all muzzled up listening to the counselors. I-I can't. I just can't."

"You're bloody ditching today? That's cool. Count me in!" his tone was picking up in excitement.

"Goodbye. Don't look for me. Why do you always even look for me, anyway?" I hung up after saying that.

I was certain that he would be mad at me for not letting him finish but something was wrong with me and I wanted to shake it off.

I hurriedly took the bus and rushed to the back of the mall where those three usually assembled. I'd never really skipped classes or school activities on purpose like this. But, strangely, I felt like the adrenaline of rebellion was growing in my blood. I felt like messing up and ditching the things my heart held dear was therapeutic---I had been holding on to the idea of me and James together for the last three years like some precious dream that breathed life to my existence... but I lost it. I lost him. What else could I lose?

I remembered him, that night when I helplessly lied there on the street, bleeding. He held my hand and said, "You'll be okay. You'll be okay." I thought of him as a hero, enveloped in that unearthly vibe of peace and calm. While others used their hands to hurt me, he used his to hold me gently. While others jeered and flinched when my preferences repulsed them, he stayed there watching me full of acceptance, even if he didn't readily understand me. I admired him ever since we were young.

Just then, I saw Ceccie and Phao loading Angie's car with food and groceries. It appeared as though they were going camping or something. I sped to the side of the driveway, stretching my arms as far out, to ensure that they'd see me---to no avail.

Angie's car started to move towards the exit past me so, in a moment of rush, I threw myself straight to the driveway and called them to stop.

"Wait!" I screamed, not minding the possibility of being run over. "Where are you going?"

I saw shock lined up their faces. Angie removed her glasses and honked at me twice. I didn't budge.

"I skip school to avoid people like you but you somehow still manage to bring yourself over to us," Angie alighted the vehicle, frowning.

"Right," Ceccie added. "So, are you here to talk to us into coming back? Are you SWAFO now?"

"Oh but," Phao came closer. "I like her outfit. It's DDJ."

"Phao!" Angie and Ceccie quieted her.

"I'll join you," I declared loud and clear. "Take me with you."

"What!?" Angie fumed. "Do you want to get hurt?"

The two other girls started to grab both my arms.

"If you don't take me, I'll tell the school you've been ditching the recollection in the last three semesters at least," I bluffed. "So, take me with you instead."

"You're crazy," Angie went near me with hands in the air ready to slap me. "You know I've been meaning to give you some good slapping---"

Just then the cars behind us started blowing their horns as we delayed their transit. It got so noisy that the commotion got the attention of the mall security.

"What is going on?" the security man whistled. "Girls, you know you could be arrested for traffic disturbances like this---"

Stunned, I and the PAC girls looked at each other.

"Ah! We, uhm..." I looked at the three of them. This was my first time ditching school so I had absolutely no intention of spending it in some community jail. "We were just going to film a short skit. But, uhm... I and my friends will leave now, Mr. Officer."

"Yeah," Ceccie's eyes rounded. "We were trying to have fun, Mr. Officer."

"We are friends. We like to have fun, you know?" Phao snickered a little.

"Are you really friends?" The Officer inspected.

We all froze, looking at Angie whose hand was still up in the air.

"Y-yes. Of course, Sir, " Angie curled her arm to mine. "Friends!"

And that was how we ended up riding together to the beach.