TBBM LXII. Angry Hearts

I had absolutely no idea where we were headed. Ceccie and Phao both took the backseat while I occupied the spot next to Angie.

Ceccie and Phao decided to give me a break from their constant meanness after I saved them from the traffic officer earlier. Ceccie said that she thought I was cool when I did that. Phao helplessly agreed. She said that she had no intention of spending the day in custody. As for Angie, she took on the wheels quietly, perpetually grimacing. I could tell how she needed allot of convincing just to let me tag along.

"My mother is going to kill me for ditching school like this," I stretched my arms.

"You bet," said Phao, as she munched on her crackers. "This is why we keep it hidden. My parents would cut my allowance if they knew."

"Oh, the princess is scared," Ceccie mocked her. "They always cut your allowance, anyway. You leech me for food all the time."

"Ceccie---"

Phao lightly slapped Ceccie's face in embarrassment. Ceccie wouldn't take it for nothing and slapped her back. They carried on until the slapping went endlessly. At first, I thought they were going to end up hurting each other but they also laughed boisterously so I thought it was fine.

At one point, they ended up grabbing my hair, too. I braced myself against the corner of my seat as I grabbed their hair back but they were a little too far, so I ended up grabbing Angie's hair instead. I never thought pulling someone's hair was fun. I often kept things inside me instead of fighting back---but this time, the chance presented itself to me.

Angie was screaming as she parked the car to the side of the road and seized my hair in revenge. We were all a total mess when we decided to stop---but we were laughing, too.

If I had opted to attend the Recollection instead, I was sure this time, we would've been silently tearing up and making up with each other. This one was rather more fun.

"I love you, bitches," Angie dried the corner of her eyes as she looked at us.

"That hurt but I enjoyed it," I laughed, propping my legs up my seat.

"That's our initiation," Ceccie was crying.

"You're one of us, now!" Phao interjected.

"No!" I and Angie turned her down.

I couldn't tell if it was just my angry heart being the reason why I enjoyed their thing but it was fun. It was a good release of tension. I felt relieved.

We went around the local shops and enjoyed the sceneries. The PAC girls frequently hurt each other physically---and since I was with them, I couldn't totally avoid it. I never noticed that of them before and took offence when they hurt me but it turned out, they were just being their normal selves. It was contagious how they were always laughing. Frankly, it hurt a little when they tripped me and I fell but I ended up laughing with them, too.

"You're cool today," Phao remarked as she walked beside me.

"Yeah," Angie agreed. "You're so weird, Hickey---cool weird."

"True," Ceccie danced around. "Off with the nice-and-kind always-needing-help, Hickey."

I pondered shortly about what she said. Was I really annoying because I always needed help from James all these years? Was it annoying that this year, I was also like that with Red? I never fully noticed but both guys had been helping me allot in trying to cope with my life situations. Had I been overly dependent?

I thought I heard Red in my mind, what he said during our first few days of knowing each other... he asked me why I always wait for the basketball player to save me.

The PAC girls were probably right. Red was probably right.

"Now, I think I realise that I probably really am," I sighed. "So, I'll take that as a compliment."

We rode horses around and I fell in love with the carousels traversing the roads. I'd love to get on them as long as we could but I felt sorry for the animals so we just paid the fee but walked halfway the trip. Phao and Ceccie didn't like it but I coaxed them into following my lead.

We went on to ride a small boat after. The wind blew strongly against our faces as we journeyed on to the resort. We stayed quiet as the roar of the motor took the airspace. I watched the PAC girls as I sat observantly at the back. They were always fashionable---sometimes, I couldn't understand what they were wearing but they rocked it, anyway. I could finally appreciate them as girls my age.

The sun was opposite us at four in the afternoon when we reached our home for the night. We had dinner and they ate allot---as if we hadn't been eating all throughout the day. I felt the urge to match them. I never had appetite in the last few days and I thought that if I hadn't come here with them, I must be moping around, sulking in a corner somewhere. I thought I should try my very best not to kill the vibe.

We all practically passed out in our beds after. We had been sauntering around since the morning. At that moment, I had the rare opportunity to think about my phone again. I did my best to resist the urge to look at it for the entire trip to emulate a perfect escape.

James. Red. Betty. Roma. Cliffy. All messages were from them. Luckily my mother appeared to not have figured out what I did---or at least, just yet. I scanned through the previews of James' messages. He seemed to be worried so much, still, I didn't reply to him. It was almost debilitating. But I pulled it through.

"I'm okay. It's all fun," I replied to Boasty, instead. He sounded impatient in his messages, like I figured he would because I hung up on him earlier today.I eventually passed out. I was dead tired. My body ached as we kept hitting each other during the trip.

I wasn't sure which hurt more---my muscles or my heart? Well, the heart was a muscle, too, wasn't it?

Dr. Gracie, my hormone doctor and counselor had a brother who worked as a cardiologist. During one of our counseling sessions, she told me, that the heart beats for around one hundred fifteen thousand times a day. She said that the similarly, those hundred thousand beats usually mirrored one's deepest, greatest desires. In an effort to make me reflect about how much I wanted to get my Gender Reassignment Surgery, she asked me, 'How many of those beats do you think yearn for the surgery?'.

I paused to think. I paused to feel.

If I were to apply the same logic this time, how many beats out of the one hundred fifteen thousand do I suppose my heart does for James? In the darkness, I felt my chest empty again. It felt as if all there was was hollowness---just hollowness inside me.

It was funny how somebody could be strong enough to even affect the muscle deep down one's chest. I still ached but somehow, I didn't feel like being torn apart. I just felt empty... really empty.

I woke up before it turned suffocating. The PAC girls were out in the pool area, night-swimming. Ceccie and Phao were tirelessly taking laps while Angie sat there on the bench by the side in her blue swimsuit.

I'd been trying on swimsuits in the past weeks, wondering how I'd look in them. I never thought I'd use it for night-swimming. Well, it must be the case. I quickly changed and joined them. It was half past eleven.

They set up a portable barbecue grill near the pool. It smelled so appetising.

I sat next to Angie on the adjacent bench.

"Not taking a dip?" I asked, curious. Up close, I saw her back with red markings and a bit of bruises.

"I don't feel like it," she replied, languid. She consciously angled her back away from me. "You should join them. Your swimwear looks good."

I smiled.

I grabbed three sticks of barbecue and laid them on a plate on my lap. Ceccie and Phao were pure entertainment as they tried to outpace each other.

Angie passed me a can of beer. She took a sip on hers. I seldom consumed alcohol but it seemed like a perfect time for one.

"You know," I cleared my throat. "My father used to hit me like that when he's drunk. So, I told myself I was only going to consume alcohol occasionally. I'd never fall for it like he did."

"You saw it, didn't you?" Angie closed her eyes and exhaled. "I could only swim at night because of it. And those two idiots adjust for me every time. I told them they can swim in the day."

"Night swimming's cool," I nodded.

"Cold, you mean?"

"Yeah. It's a bit cold, too."

She was quiet for a while.

"Hickey," Ceccie called. "Come, take a plunge."

"Join us!" Phao invited.

"Probably later," I beamed back at them, raising the can of mild beer.

"My dad," Angie started talking again. "He kind of lost it since my mom passed away three years ago. Our business had since recovered. But he didn't. He almost always got drunk. And I almost always got hit when I got in his way at home."

"I'm sorry," my voice lowered. I was getting flashbacks of me running away from home as she relayed her story.

"I wanted to fight back but I couldn't---at least not while he was intoxicated."

"I couldn't fight my father back then, either," I looked away.

"That's why I hated you. It was so annoying seeing you---"

"Me?" I knew she didn't particularly like me. But I wondered what I had to do in her story.

"You never fought back when people bullied you. I hated you for it. You reminded me of myself when I didn't fight my father back. It infuriated me. I had such an angry heart."

She said all those without blinking. She had no sense of remorse about the things she did to me---about the things I endured because of them. But after hearing what she said, I found no place in my heart to hate her. Strangely, I thought I understood her even more.

"And, you always had someone to protect you each time you cried. It was so annoying how I never had one to protect me---"

"Roro did," I said under my breath. "He pleaded that we try to understand you instead."

Angie paused, eyes enlarged. It was obvious how she never expected to hear that.

After all, it only took one person, at least one person, to tame an angry heart. But it proved very difficult for some to find that one person. I was lucky to have one... or two, maybe.