TBBM LXV. Distance

"Mother," a male voice sounded from the side of the stall. "If you keep hitting her like that, my Jap-Jap will be hurt. Hit me instead."

James.

It was James.

He wasn't wearing his usual Jersey. He wore a polo shirt and jeans instead. He didn't look anything like the James who'd show up before me at this hour.

But he was smiling. He was forcing a smile.

It broke my heart looking at him.

"You!" my mother hit his back with her hands. "Why did you stop attending your practice? Why are you behaving all depressed lately, huh?"

"Mother," he groaned each time she hit him.

"I know you and my daughter have disagreements, but is that worth ruining your life altogether?" my mother kept hitting him. But he wasn't avoiding any of it.

He was indeed perfect. He let my mother hit and scold him instead of me. How could I ever stop liking a person like that? Angie was right---even now, James had been saving me. I couldn't stop my tears from falling.

"Mother," I ran to James' side and shielded him. It was my turn to protect him---even if he liked someone else. "Stop hitting him!"

"Oh," Ma-ho showed up that same second, wearing her usually nosy expressions. "Mrs. Magat, what's wrong with the kids?"

"Allot is going on, Ma-ho," my mother faced her, hands in akimbo. "These kids need to get some good spanking so they'd realise they shouldn't be wasting their youth on silly things."

"I'll wait for you at home, Mother," I grabbed my bag and snuck away with James.

We ran away... as fast as we could. He took the lead and snagged my hand as if we were running back in time to the days when it was just me and him and our world was relaxed and quiet.

I kept weeping as we ran off. I got flashes of my time with him streaming through the wind, sifting through my skin, giving me goosebumps. I wanted to capture all of them and hold them in my hand so I could keep them with me forever, but just as the droplets of rain started tingling on our skin, I was reminded that these were something I couldn't possess. The rain reminded me that my moments with James could not be tied down and kept---instead, those were moments I had to learn to enjoy despite knowing that they wouldn't last as long as I'd hoped them to.

We rushed to a waiting shed---the one near the hospital parking. We found ourselves sheltered in the shed as the rain picked up. The moon was high up above us.

We were both struggling to breathe as we reached the shed. But he was laughing. He was laughing so heartfully. It sounded like the old James was back. He sounded like somebody I knew. He rested his back against the beam. His face shone in the moonlight.

He was beautiful.

He was peaceful.

He was warm.

I wanted to keep him.

His eyes were on me.

I sat at the edge.

"Do you remember this place?" he asked gleefully. "This was where we reunited. Around five years from when we first got acquainted."

"Mmmm," I nodded and looked away. I couldn't look at him without my heart breaking a little.

"So you're still not going to talk to me now?" he moved closer. "Do I have to meet with Mother again---let her smash my head with a ladle so you'd talk to me?"

I put my hand on his arm.

"Jap-"

"Why do you act like I mean the world to you?" I swallowed a lump in my throat. "On that rainy day about five years ago... and even now, you make me feel like I was somebody you needed. Why?"

"Because I truly need you-"

"I'm asking you why?"

"You make me feel like family. You and Mother, you are my family here. You always thought I was peaceful and calm and I try my best to be each time. You know my mother has a weak heart so I grew up being the calm one. But I don't always have myself together. And many times, when I feel like choking inside, I talk to you and I start to feel fine."

"You wanted me around... not because of me but because you feel better around me-"

"Jap!" his tone went deep in frustration. "What kind of logic is that? What is so wrong with wanting to be near you?"

"Didn't you think I'd get the wrong idea?" I felt so divided asking him that question. Truthfully, I didn't mind him being near me each time---no matter the reason.

"Jap, I wasn't going to leave you," he turned me around so I could face him. "You're my best friend."

"She's your girlfriend," I cleared my throat. "Did you think about what she felt every time we were so close to each other?"

"Roma understands. She's not-"

"Don't push her to a point when she no longer can, James," I looked down.

I remembered the times when all these had not happened yet. I recalled Roma telling me how the guy she loved happened to like someone else. If they really loved each other, I thought I should be the one to carry the pain of letting go, not her.

"James?" he leaned back a little, he sounded like he was crying. "Are you telling me to stop calling you Jap, too? Are we going to be just strangers, now?"

I couldn't answer that. I felt tightness in my chest as I thought about losing James.

"I was eleven years old when I saw you first," I was struggling to hold my tears back. "I thought I was going to die that night. I felt my head numbing slowly until it blurred my eyes. But before it completely robbed me of my sight, I saw you. You held my hand. You said that I was going to be okay. Your hands were cool and your smile was warm. Everyone was in panic and the clamouring around made me dizzy;1 but you were there beside me, all peaceful, all serene. I thought Heaven had sent me an angel that night. But I didn't die. I woke up again and I saw you in the hospital. You were watching over me. You looked really tired but you stayed, anyway. And I felt warm. You made me doubt wanting to die. And so, every time things were tough for me, I always looked for you. I got so used to you being there for me, making me feel warm."

"Jap-"

"I didn't always thank you---because if I thanked you, I feared that it'd be the last time you'd do what you do for me. I didn't like it to end, so, I almost never thanked you. But now, I wanted you to know how thankful I am of you. I'd been really hurting now but I wanted you to know that I love you, James."

We were both quiet for a minute. I knew he wasn't going to say it back. I hoped he did.

"I'd been foolishly living in a fantasy in my head where you liked me because I was me and not because you felt good around me. Those were two different things, James."

"Are you cutting me out now?"

"No," I shook my head.

"So, we're still us?" his tone lightened up a bit. "Nothing changes?"

I turned away from him before I could think of clinging onto his arms like I used to.

"Let's still be friends," I took a deep breath. "But let's not be as close, anymore. I'd need time to be okay... and you'll have to take responsibility for her. She's my friend, too."

James propped his elbows on his legs as he pulled on his hair. He couldn't say a word. He must have been really devastated. I glanced at him and thought of taking back what I just said, but it was the right thing to do.

We stayed quiet until the rain fizzled out and all I could hear of him were sighs. I wanted to embrace him but I was quick to realise that a friend should only tap him on the shoulder. He belonged to someone else now. At that moment, I thought my heart had stopped beating.

I rummaged my bag for my phone and called Red before I lost control.

"Are you busy?" he had rain in the background, too. "Can you give me a ride home?"

In about ten minutes, Red appeared on my view. His face looked odd, it was red. But his eyes looked earnest. He glimpsed at James as he sat there quietly looking at the floor. I mouthed Red not to bother him. James must be really flaring inside now.

"I can't even take you home?" he stood up, voice shaky. I could see how much he was trying his best to hold himself together.

"It's best that you don't," I wiped my tears as I steadied my voice. I couldn't bear to say goodbye to him. "Distance. We should keep distance from now on."