TBBM LXX - Confession

Project: The Birthmark Behind Her

'To the one who helped me realise things and move on.'

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

My fingers trembled as I flipped through the next page.

The sketches looked like Roma... looked like James.

It looked like me...

I covered my mouth in my shock trying not to make any noise as I went through each page.

***

I was just one problematic guy whose heart was broken by the girl I thought I'd pledge my life to.

My father introduced me to the Brother President of this school. They somehow knew each other from childhood.

My life in Ateneo was wasting after she dumped me. I caused allot of trouble. I was bored. Eventually, I agreed to transfer schools.

The Brother President met with me personally after I enrolled. I told him I was bored. I told him that I couldn't find anything particularly interesting in life so I messed around and enrolled to a different college.

He told me that staying in the quiet of the chapel might help me muffle my outside life and focus on the voice inside me.

He said that if I didn't like that, then how about I look around campus and find someone who might need my help?

Neither of the two options he gave me sounded particularly cool. In fact, I loathed the idea.

He handed me over a sketch book. He told me do doodle my thoughts. Doodle anything I found interesting.

I took it from his hands more out of courtesy than belief that I would actually find anything interesting.

When he left, I headed to the confession room and slept. He told me to stay in the quiet of the chapel anyway. Nobody was around.

I pretty much had a good hour of sleep or so---until someone with a really annoying voice came to pray on the other side.

I pretended that I wasn't there. I thought that she probably locked herself up in the confession because just like me, she didn't want attention.

My guess was probably wrong. Her voice was loud as if she was talking to herself. She said, 'Dear Saint,'--- which was funny. She uttered her words like she was complaining instead of praying.

I wanted to shout at her for waking me. But I decided to stay still and listen.

Soon, I figured we were classmates. I wasn't sure at first but she frequented the confession room every time I was there to enjoy the quiet just like the Brother President said I should.

She got bullied allot in class.

She said she was unlucky because of the birthmark behind her.

Who would have such an audacity to tell your weakness in a class introduction? I thought she was dumb.

I was annoyed of her.

Eventually, I called her 'Hicks,' --- a cooler version for 'Hickey'.

She was so mad. She was probably going to kill me one of these days.

I felt proud every time I called her that. I thought it was cool but she detested the idea. She gave me a look in her face that said she was going to demolish me each time I did.

So I did it even more. I did it loudly. I did it in public places.

She was so weak but she was feisty. I thought I should be afraid because I was the newbie but her upset expressions entertained me.

I thought it was pitiful of her when she'd just look down the ground and blush when people ganged up on her.

She couldn't even walk straight. She always tripped and fell. She always needed that basketball player to help her while she was on her own, very much capable---she just didn't realise.

I called her a 'loser.'

I was just teasing her but she screamed in class. She was furious. I wondered how she could be upset like that with me; she wasn't that feisty when others bullied her. In fact, I heard she was the class lead.

I'd been debating whether I should leave her alone or continue pissing her off. I thought the latter was fun.

My parents caught me smiling as I entered the house. They hadn't seen me smile in so long. I told them school was about fun.

My parents were relieved.

I drove through the murk in front of Hicks.

It was my birthday. It rained hard. It seemed that even the skies hated me.

She launched at me like some woodland roach from the bush. She looked terribly scary.

I was stuck in the shed with her. I wasn't expecting how she was peaceful to be around with. We didn't say anything but oddly, I didn't feel too alone when I was with her.

I ordered her to make a run for my phone in the rain.

She suddenly caught fever. She slept in my room. It was unexpected. But at least I wasn't alone on my birthday.

I hadn't seen her in a few days. I was curious what she was doing.

Hicks failed to do our homework. She was running around campus early in the morning. I pretended that I didn't see her. When she was close, I drove speedily her way---she thought I was going to run her over. It was so funny.

I let her borrow my laptop and mobile printer.

I wondered why I was nice to her.

I felt like I wanted her around allot. But I didn't want to tell her that. I wondered allot about her. My friends thought I was being crazy.

I told her she'd be my slave for the semester---finally, I could tease her all the time.

I had something enjoyable to look forward to, finally.

I probably went a little overboard. She cried in my car. I felt horrible. I didn't know what I should do.

I didn't like to play all softie but she looked really hurt. She wouldn't talk to me. It was driving me insane. It seemed like I'd been causing everyone I liked, to cry.

Why was I so much of a jerk? It felt like a curse.

I didn't want her to stop being around me. I liked her around. I was less as sad when she was close to me. More importantly, she distracted my mind from keeping on thinking about the girl who dumped me.

I almost gave up but I thought she'd like an ice cream cone. I bought her one.

I wanted to say sorry but I loathed that word: my caretaker said nothing but that word when he left me. Stephie said the same thing, too, when she turned me down.

I couldn't apologise to Hicks. But I was glad she took the ice cream.

It was so hard to say sorry without actually saying the word, 'sorry.'

I tired to be nice to Hicks because I didn't want to be in the mall alone. I wasn't normally very nice to people but I felt easy with her.

She told me about her condition. I didn't fully understand but I thought she was interesting.

I saw Stephie again.

Why? Why now? Of all the places?

I didn't want to leave Hicks to my friends because they might tell her things but I always lost my mind whenever Stephie was around---like I couldn't see anybody else.

I thought my friends took her home but Hicks appeared at the backseat of my car.

I couldn't bear with her seeing how I begged in front of Stephie. No, I didn't want her and Stephie to be in the same space. Hicks was my antidote. I didn't want them together.

I had no choice. I asked Hicks to leave the car. It was late at night; the road was dark and it might rain anytime soon.

My mouth had gone dry as I distastefully raised my voice on her so she would quickly leave. I feared that I might stop her if she took her time. I needed to be alone with Stephie.

I guessed it'd be the last time I'd ever see her. If there was anything normal in her, she'd probably stop talking to me after what I did.

Stephie left me.

It rained.

Again, my life felt suffocating. I couldn't breathe.

I drove home feeling acutely uneasy. I kept bogged down by the idea of Hickey walking alone in the rain at night. She could well have contacted the basketball player but I still felt awful.

I drove out and looked for her. I searched like a mad dog. I wanted to call her but I didn't even have her number. I never asked for it for I didn't expect for us to be close like this.

I finally came across a bag that looked like hers on the middle of the rode. My heart stopped beating.

I would never be able to forgive myself if something bad happened to her.

It was her bag. She had her notebook in it. I knew that notebook. I saw her writing notes at the back of it at times when classes got unbearably boring.

I called Seb as I panicked. He reminded me to calm down but I was unswayed. I flipped her notebook around looking for something: I found her mother's number.

I heard that her mother maintained a food stall so she could still be up. I asked Seb and Nina to message her mother for me.

As I waited, I scanned her notebook. It overflowed with her thoughts. But I also found notes she wrote to her 'future Romeo.'

She was so naive.

She didn't show up for class.

I asked a few of the guys in class if they knew where she lived. I almost barged in to their home. Was she sick? I wanted to see her. I couldn't… after what I did.

I stopped by her mother's food stall. I placed my order trying to hide as much of my face as possible. She didn't look so grim; in fact, she happily smiled at everyone in a motherly way. So, I assumed Hicks was okay, somehow.

My friends had been both teasing and reprimanding me. They wouldn't tell me anything they heard of Hicks. It was driving me insane.

Hicks looked different when I saw her again.

Man! She looked… beautiful!

I never thought she could look any better. But she did.

I'd been suppressing my desire to talk to her. But I couldn't stop.

I sat next to her. She didn't initially know it was me. She busied herself talking to that basketball player. How can she be so blind? He wasn't even nearly as handsome as me.

Hicks wouldn't talk me.

I tried to do allot of things to make her talk to me.

She wouldn't.

Finally, I grabbed the pastry she was holding. I didn't know what it was but I was desperate. I was hungry, too. I ran away from the hospital just so I could join this trip and see her.

Hicks got even madder. I shouldn't have done that. It sucked.

The pastry had allot of milk to it. It turned my stomach around. I was in a pretty bad shape.

I was losing it in the bathroom. I couldn't even hold my phone steadily. It wasn't a very cool situation to be in.

Hicks found me. She was tying to front an indifferent face.

I told her she looked 'cute.'

I didn't mean to say so. But I did. She was very pretty that day.

Hicks took a cab with me to the hospital. It was so nice to not be alone. My parents barely had time for me even when I was sick. But Hicks made the time to accompany me. I prayed that she wouldn't leave me.

I wrote 'Lady Birthmark' on the registry. I told them she was my girlfriend.

As I expected, she hated what I did. She looked gravely embarrassed. But she looked really cute. I kept wanting more of it.

I was so hungry but I was put to a soft diet.

She told me a story: The Legend of Porridge. She was the most disgusting girl I'd known. I would never have porridge ever again.

Hicks looked after me until I felt better. I watched her sleep so soundly. I wondered if she'd really forgiven me. I made her cry but she still took care of me. No one's really done the same for me.

It was Stephie's wedding day. I couldn't help but be really down.

I couldn't concentrate. I felt like I was suffocating again.

I nagged Hicks to stay the night with me. I said all the excuses so I could be with her. I felt much better with her around.

She wrote the script for my project: How to Move On... it read.

I brought her to a race track. I wanted to show off to her. But I lagged behind the first place. I was so pissed that I took it out on her.

How could she be smiling at me like I won?

I went overboard again.

I made up with her.

I drove her home. I called her mother, "Mother," too. Her mother called me, "Son."

I felt at home.

I couldn't sleep that night. I kept texting her.

I heard about how Hicks was bullied and got injured when she was a newbie. I hated that the experience made her trust herself even lesser than she already did.

She didn't even like to be in photographs.

I couldn't let her wallow in her bad times like that. So, I submitted her name for the contest.

I begged our classmates to train her. She had no idea.

Hicks struggled allot in her training. But she came out well.

Day of the performance. I envied how she smiled so heartfully every time the basketball player was around.

She'd be performing next. She started having bad hiccups.

I wanted her to have a positive memory of the place so she'd build confidence. But she looked really nervous.

I embraced her; as if trying to transfer my confidence to her. She said I had too much confidence, anyway.

Hicks won.

We ate at her place. I wished the basketball player didn't have to hover around her all the time. I could protect her myself.

I'd been thinking of buying her a new pair of shoes. Her old pair was about to give up after I made her walk long distance. I still remembered it. I was a bloody jerk.

I got really excited when the new pair of shoes I ordered arrived. I probably left her without telling her anything.

I came back running with the new pair I got her.

Something must have happened to her: the basketball player came to her rescue again.

I threw the shoes out to the back of my car. She thought that I left her. I wanted to surprise her but it didn't turn out fine.

It sucked.

That should have been me next to her.

For the first time, I wanted it so badly to be me.

She seemed to only have eyes for the basketball player, though. She always talked about him and him alone.

Why did I keep feeling sad about it?

I felt like I was breaking my own heart.

I decided that I'd stay and be there to support Hicks---like she did me all the time.

The basketball player had feelings for another girl.

Hicks got really beat up emotionally.

She kept crying.

We went to the mountains. I took her on a re-route. I wanted to take her mind off of him.

She was afraid there'd be a bear nearby. I died laughing.

The view was perfect. It was about peaceful.

I and Hicks went on to tell stories. She was awesome. It felt like somebody finally understood me.

She looked beautiful. I almost reached out to kiss her.

Hicks always got bullied for her birthmark. When would she learn that it was nothing but a folklore? She needed inspiration to fight back.

I took my shirt off and tied it down her waist.

Her heartbeat. I could feel her heartbeat.

I pulled her near me. I wanted to protect her like that. I wanted to keep her close to me like that everyday. My heart raced, too.

I hope she had time to notice me, too.

She told me about how she and that basketball player met for the first time. She spoke about him like he was an angel sent to rescue her. I rarely envied anyone. But at that time, I envied the basketball player.

She rode the carousel. Her mind was obviously glued to that boy.

She watched the fireworks dreamily. She was so vulnerable.

I wanted to tell her to forget him and just like me instead. But I could tell she was breaking inside.

I bought her an ice cream cone. I hoped that made her happy, somehow.

The platform had turned. She saw him kissing her.

Hicks cried.

I wished I could make her unsee it.

I kept listening to her prayers in the confession room. She used to rant about how she hated me. Lately, listening to her, she sounded like she started to like me... but she loved the other boy.

I'd give up my feelings for her, if that could take away her pain.

What was happening to me?

I saw Hicks in my dream. In that dream, she liked me, not the other boy.

I couldn't sleep. I wanted to call her but she wasn't perhaps in the best shape. I wanted to see her. I couldn't.

I called Mother. She was worried about Hicks, too.

I tried so hard to think of funny things and texted her. I hoped she laughed reading them.

The Hicks I knew disappeared. She looked really pained. She devoted herself to that boy.

Hicks took off with the PAC girls. I wondered how she made that happen. They all skipped the Recollection activity.

I kept thinking what I'd give her for her birthday. I drove around.

I saw her and the basketball player running with their hands clasped. It made my blood boil.

Was I jealous?

She called me to pick her up. She didn't look very well.

I hated how that boy kept stirring her feelings.

As I saw her, my anger shifted to an overwhelming desire to make her laugh. I wanted her to go back to her normal self.

It was her birthday. I wanted to make her smile.

My friends kept teasing me and Hicks. She had no clue.

She was still hung up on him.

It hurt. I wanted her to forget him and start looking at me.

I drove away. I couldn't hide my feelings anymore. I thought she chose him over me.

I went back and saw her crying in the rain. I wanted to take her pain away so I embraced her even more tightly than before.

I could've kissed her that second. I wanted to.

I wanted to discuss me to her. But she passed out, crying.

I couldn't hide it anymore... But if she couldn't like me the way I liked her, I'd still stay.

I couldn't understand myself.

When did I start to be this romantic? I used to not care so much about anyone.

I was asked to reach out to somebody who needed help. But I realised I was the one changed by the very person whom I thought needed my help.

When I first saw her, I thought that her situation was acutely unfortunate. But I looked at her and how she loved him so much that she'd let him go even if it broke her---I realised I was wrong.

I hoped someday Hicks would find her match. Somebody who wouldn't make her cry.

But man! I bloody wanted it to be me.

They often called her unlucky because of the birthmark behind her. But that never bothered me. She was the most beautiful person I'd ever known.