TBBM LXIX. The Sketch Book  

I woke up the next morning feeling light and revived from what seemed to be a very long and dark night.

Today was the official end of my third year in college. I decided too, that today, would be the end of my long-suffering brought about by my utter inability to take courage in life. Today, I would laser-remove the birthmark behind me---the very thing that I thought had been giving me bad luck.

My mother had been trying to talk me out of it the other night asking, "What if it wasn't a curse? What if it was supposed to be your companion?"

Despite my mother's failed attempt at comedy, what she said got me curious. I realised that in fact, it was the very thing that stayed there with me, quietly tucked under my clothes while I rambled around how I didn't like it. I wondered if itw as bad to get it removed despite that. But I had been waiting for this chance for so long. I couldn't just chicken out.

"But what if she was right?" I asked myself.

No. I should already end my passivity in life here. I should stop depending on others when I didn't want to blame me for what happened to me.

When I looked back, I was faced with the glaring truth that I wouldn't have been able to survive without Roma, James and Red pushing me to brave things I otherwise would not have been able to do so alone.

My life should be about me trying now; not about me avoiding life and living invisibly just to flee from conflict and attention.

I thought about those things as I sat in front of my study table, trying to get my hair in order.

Just then, my phone rang.

Angie.

"Yes?" I answered.

"He's going to a rehab, finally," Angie's voice sounded like she was about to cry. "I listened to what you said. I stopped antagonizing him. I talked to him sincerely. My dad's going to rehab!"

We spoke for almost thirty minutes before we hung up. Angie was so excited that she drove her dad over to a rehab centre and shared breakfast with him. She said that they hadn't had meals together for months now.

It was truly a remarkable way to start this day.

Angie's problems with her dad was finally coming to an end.

I never came to expect that I would like the PAC girls. It was a welcome experience to be friends with them. Just like me, they all just have their issues, I guessed.

Roma called me as I was dressing up. I realised that we hadn't really gotten so much chance to talk since I discovered her relationship with James. We did text but I felt like we should've talked.

"The dean's awarding me," she opened up, cheerfully, like nothing happened. "You're in the list, too."

"Of course," I bragged a little. "Shall we grab a meal after... like always?"

"Surely. I feel like I still owe you allot---"

"Ssshh," I shushed. "Don't be silly."

We both laughed so hard. That used to be her line. We kept talking until I was all glammed up and ready. My appointment at the surgeon's was at 2PM. I tried so hard to be pretty. It'd be my new start.

My mother had been bugging me to allow her to join me since the other night. I told her that I wanted to do it alone as it was my personal journey.

"Shall we go?" she came closer.

"Nope," I said upon seeing her. "Not changing my mind, Mother."

"What will you do if you bleed excessively, then, huh?" she pushed.

"Mother, it's non-invasive," I calmed her down. "It's laser. I'd need you beside me when the date of the actual 'surgery' comes."

Surgery.

I was lucky enough that one alumna heeded the desperate appeal in my student file and granted me funding for the gender affirmation surgery. It had been a practice in the university for previous students who had found success in life to go back to school and help troubled kids realise their goals in life.

Mr. Vizca's office had been home and shelter for those troubled kids in the university. And to be frank about it, I stirred allot of trouble since I was a frosh given my overly sheepish and shy exterior. We did several counseling sessions and I wasn't really very cooperative at first. But he was incredibly patient and calm and charming, that eventually, he was able to coax me out of my shell and talk. I could remember him calling me over several times before and after class just so he could help me build confidence enough to be me.

"Is my handsome son joining you?" my mother asked.

"He's not your son!" I sat her down. "Why would he even---"

"You said that he cares allot about you. What else would you call that?" she hit the back of my arm with her palm. "Red likes you. I saw it again last night. Stop denying it to my face."

"He so doesn't, Mother," I laughed it off.

"You say what you say," she frowned at me. "But you should know that mothers know better."

"If he likes me, he'd support me in getting this birthmark behind me removed," I pouted.

"Did he tell you not to?"

"I'm sure he just wants to be able to tease me all the time---"

"Stupid, kid!" she hit me again. "That boy likes you, I'm telling you."

I sighed. The thought of Red made me uncertain about allot of things. I was sure that I wanted my birthmark removed since I was very young.

But why had I been feeling so unsettled since I broke my piggy bank the other night? I saved up diligently for my surgery but since a good samaritan would be funding it, I thought I could use the money to eradicate that patch of discoloured skin.

But why had I been feeling so unsure whenever I think about Red?

Erase. Erase.

I took a lungful of air.

I left my mother in the kitchen as I took small faithful steps outside of the house, leading to a supposed renewed path in life.

I looked at the shoe rack by the door and wondered if I should wear the pair of red sneakers Red gave me. But it was making me really nervous so instead, I decided to wear the boots from Roma.

As I furthered out, I got caught up on a paper bag resting just outside of our door.

"Mother," I called on her. "You forgot your paper bag out here."

"No. Not mine," she yelled back. "Oh, it could be Red's. My handsome boy must have dropped it last night. You know you're heavy and it was raining."

I peered inside and yes, it looked like it was Red's sketch book.

"Looks like his," I confirmed. "I'll go give it back to him."

"Tell my son to come over for dinner---"

I could not believe how my mother and Red had grown so close to each other. That used to be James. But she probably gave up on him like I did; either that, or, she probably really just wanted to have somebody she could call a son.

I hopped on the bus and enjoyed the cool breeze sifting through my half-opened window.

Oddly, Red had not been calling or messaging me. He used to bug me allot but he seemed quiet today. I hoped that he didn't get sick because of the rain.

I looked at the paper bag as it rested on my lap. I had always been curious what he was drawing in class whenever he got bored so I carefully drew out the sketch book to see.

It had a title page...

Project: The Birthmark Behind Her

'To the one who helped me realise things and move on.'

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

My fingers trembled as I flipped through the next page.

The sketches looked like Roma... looked like James.

It looked like me...