TBBM LXVIII. Right At Your Doorsteps

I looked up to see how the rain stopped pouring on me.

Red.

Red was holding his jacket up to cover me.

"The basketball player said that you didn't want to have ice cream with him," he said casually. "How about with me?"

I stared at him in pure awe before I was able to speak.

Red came back for me.

He did.

It felt really nice.

"Boasty..." I wept like a kid. "The bag and the shoebox. I couldn't save them---"

"Ssshhh... Ssshhh," Red embraced me. "You cry for a shoebox, but you don't even care if I leave---"

"I was afraid you'd really hate me..."

He hugged me even tighter as the rain poured on us. It was a peaceful night with the moon shining down on us while it rained. I felt safe in Red's embrace. Slowly, he started swinging us gently while he hummed a sad tune.

+++

I woke up the morning following feeling really dizzy. I had no full recollection of how I got home. I only remembered hearing my mother scolding me and Red for getting wet in the rain. I had to sit up straight for a good thirty minutes to somehow get a good grasp of my surroundings.

In the quietude, I heard Red's humming played at the back of my mind. It was indeed calming. It reminded me of the way he embraced me last night. I could hear his heart beating from under his shirt. I remembered his scent. I felt at home.

My eyes weighed heavy but I reckoned how we danced in the rain. I thought that was very nice of him.

In one of our tasks at school, we were asked to create an instructional video. Red struggled allot in making one, for he was heartbroken then.

But this time, it was me.

This time, James would have been gone already.

This time, Roma could have already sent him off.

This time, Red must have been in the gym.

How To Move On:

1. Power lone-time. Power me-time. No matter how it ended, you had to have your time alone to ponder about things and retrospect. You had to know where you were and what exactly was happening in your world. Lone time would be perfect to give you a good grasp of the over-all. If being aware of what was happening meant that you had to cry or scream or break things, you had the reason to do so. You had to wake to an awareness of things and decide what you wanted to do with the memories: shelf them, destroy them or let them stand where they were in the little corner of your heart. Gather yourself---that would be your first step.

2. Power hug. This time, you were ready for company. You were ready to accept help to pull yourself back up to the old you. This time, you'd be thinking about not only gathering yourself, but also, standing up tall. You'd be thinking of worthwhile activities that'd make you forget---activities that'd broaden your take of the world. This time you were no longer crouching in one corner, instead, you'd be venturing on your first few steps back to the world.

3. Power nap. Just think of everything as a dream: a life-sized one. In times when the pain would make an occasional visit, you could sleep it off and wake up strong. Before you woke up each time, you'd have to make sure that you left all of it in that cloud of dream. You'd have to wake up fresh and start a new day.

+++

I started to put on light make up when I came across of the old slam book in my drawer.

"Those were the days when I thought it was me," I whispered weakly to myself as I went past pages I'd already answered.

I picked up where I left off.

48. What trait do you admire most in a guy?

A. Brave but knows when to say, 'sorry.'

B. Smart but domineering.

C. Cold-hearted but soft with family.

D. Goal-oriented and positive.

E. Self-driven and considerate.

F. None of these.

51. What does a guy do that makes you feel most secure?

A. Tight embrace

B. Language of assurance

C. Kisses

D. Peace and quiet

E. Comic gestures

F. None of these.

67. What behaviour turns you on the most?

A. He doesn't want me to leave him behind.

B. He knows how to kiss.

C. He makes me feel sexy.

D. He praises the way I do things.

E. He spends generously on me.

F. None of these.

85. Which line appeals to you the most?

A. Trust me.

B. Keep safe.

C. I love you.

D. I can't sleep without you.

E. Come back to me.

F. None of these.

97. If your love story were to be shared, how would you prefer it be?

A. In sketch/ comics.

B. In a movie.

C. Word of mouth.

D. Historical account.

E. Public interview.

F. None of these.

Was it weird that until now, my answers were all A's? I could understand being cursed to be unlucky because of my hickey but... why? Why this?

Erase. Erase.

I shook my head.

"It wasn't like that guy would like me," I murmured to myself. "And, geez! No way."

Tomorrow would be our end of semester recognition day. I didn't even know if, after all that went down this year, Boasty would still prefer to enroll back to our college. He wasn't there to stay, anyway. He was just goofing around, trying to piss his father off months ago during enrolment.

I flipped through the last few pages to see what ten straights A's meant but the answer was rather more misleading:

"The answer is right at your doorsteps," the book read.

I sighed.

Dear Saint,

I can't believe I relied the faith of my future with James on this perfidious slam book. Now, it even points me to some other troublesome guy in the form of Boasty. I was so young to have believed in this.

But if there is one thing clear to me, it's that I have to move on now. I realised Angie is right about me, my misfortunes and my relationship with James... and okay, Red. I have to stand on my own two feet now, without heavily relying on anyone.

Tomorrow, I'll get my birthmark removed. I realised that I should stop blaming my life onto some discoloured patch of skin behind me. I should own up. I should take charge.