TBBM LXVII. The Girl In The Red Shoes

Red appeared really tired after the event. So, I helped him gather his things at the backstage while his clique went off to their different destinations.

Family. They called me family. It was so nice to have a group of friends like that. I used to have a group like that, albeit there were only three of us. I missed them.

Red made me carry his bag of clothes and shoes. He looked tired but at least he seemed to be in a good mood. He kept smiling for unrecognisable reasons. It was odd.

"Hicks, I'm really tired," he kept complaining.

"You should be proud of your exhaustion," I feigned cheerfulness. "You did well. I thought you were amazing earlier."

"Did I make you proud?" he inspected my face. "I even tried to be very accommodating to people because you always complained about me being cold---"

"Yeah. I saw it---"

"Did I make you jealous?"

I paused.

I wondered what he was up to. He always brought up the idea of jealousy.

"Fine," he wrapped his arm around my shoulder. "You still seem to be sad, no matter what I do."

"I'm not---"

"I know that face, Hicks," he ran his hand on my hair. "You don't need to hide it from me. I'll stay by your side until you're better. Just like you stayed by my side when I was like that."

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

He said it so eloquently... beautifully. I was drawn to completely believe him. I suddenly felt warm. I was comfortably warm near him.

"Red..."

"Ah," he took the paper bag from my hand and sat me down at the side of the open parking. He took out a box from the bag and in it were red sneakers. "I've been meaning to give you these. But that basketball player always annoyingly got you first."

I froze and stared at him. He'd been unusually nice and thoughtful these past weeks. It was confusing. Little by little, we were becoming too close. It left me wondering if I should I distance myself from him, too.

"Do not... be all awkward, Hicks," he said, as he sat infront of me, smiling. "I'm not commonly this nice, you know? Happy Birthday."

I was at a loss of words. I couldn't tell exactly how I felt that moment. All I knew was that my heart drummed heavily within me. But other than that, I felt nothing. It was as if my insides were dysfunctional.

Red took my shoes off and replaced it with the red sneakers he got me. They fit just right.

He looked so happy after making me wear them. I thought that I should be happy, too.

In the story, the girl in the red shoes could not resist dancing after she wore them. Similarly, I wanted to run and dance and take them to flight, but my body felt acutely disinterested to move around, let alone dance. I thought that perhaps, the girl in the red shoes still needed her spirits up so she would dance.

Red's eyes were on me, inspecting my reactions. I could tell just how hard he was trying to deviate my attention and make me smile but I was severely unresponsive to his efforts. It was bad.

Just then, my phone rang. I held his stare as I blindly looked for my phone in my bag.

James.

James had been calling me since last night. I hoped for my phone to just die rather than having to resist the urge to answer to him each time.

I was certain he'd like to greet me on my special day, too.

"Are you going to answer him?" Red cleared his throat.

I stared blankly at my phone, having lost all the energy to cancel James' call. I felt tears streaming down my cheek.

I nodded.

Red looked down and took his things from my hand.

"Jap..." I heard James' voice.

"James..." I called back. Suddenly, the tightness in my chest disappeared.

"Turn around," James ordered.

It was funny how that used to be me asking him to turn around whenever I felt giddy.

I turned around.

James. He was there.

He alighted his car. He was wearing his basketball team's jacket. He smiled to me, that warm characteristic smile of his. It was almost painful.

"Don't cry," he whispered before he put his phone down.

"Hicks," on the other hand, I heard Red from my side, almost pleading. His door was open. He grabbed me in the arm. "Please... don't make me jealous."

I wanted to respond to Red. But my mind thirsted so much for James. I put Red's hand down and ran towards James.

Was this the direction the red shoes wholeheartedly wanted to take me to? I half-questioned myself with each step I took, away from Red and closer to James. But the girl in the red shoes had no control, so she ran off, despite her questions.

James and I shared a tight embrace. That was the tightest he embraced me. It felt almost like Red's.

Red revved up his engine and sped through the driveway, leaving the shoebox and the paperbag that homed it out on the ground.

"Jap," James called, in his rather soothing tone. "I leave tomorrow the earliest. I thought you'd let me go heartbroken like this---"

"Leave?" I clung to his arms firmly.

"I took Mother's advice and reported back to training," he smiled despite the cloud of tears in his eyes. "She packed lunch for me today and I told her my coach wanted me to train in another affiliate school for a while..."

"I'm sorry," I burried my face in his chest. "I'm really sorry, James."

"Jap," he embraced me again, crying. "I'm going to miss you, Jap. I'm sorry, too. I put you in a tight situation only because I wanted to keep you."

"You're coming back... eventually, aren't you?" I asked, gibberish.

"I guess..." he thundered. "If my bestfriend still liked me to be her bestfriend when I came back."

"James," I rubbed my forehead against his chest. I'd miss his scent.

"Jap," he pulled me away a little so he could see my face. "I won't get mad anymore if you continue to see McIntyre. That racer's indeed annoying, he got you a new pair of shoes when I was thinking of getting you one myself..."

Oddly, he spoke of Red just like the was he normally spoke of him.

Please... don't make me jealous.

I'll stay by your side until you're better.

Please... don't make me jealous.

I'll stay by your side until you're better.

Please... don't make me jealous.

I'll stay by your side until you're better.

Red... I kept hearing his voice in my head. He was probably really mad when he left.

"Jap," James looked at my face. "Shall we go have some ice cream?"

I stared at him. I watched the moments we shared together reflected in his eyes. The wickedness of our circumstances killed me inside. But despite the pain, I cherished each moment I had with him. He used to be the only man I looked forward to being with. But then, I saw Roma, too. I and James had to say our goodbyes.

I shook my head.

James retreated to his car slowly, halfheartedly. He drove off at the same direction Red took and he was gone eventually.

I just lost the two men I really cared for. A strange tingle of pain hovered inside me. I made amends with James but I caused Red to drive away, frustrated. I was just about to go crazy.

I descended to the ground and picked up the paperbag and the shoebox Red had left.

But then, it started raining. I didn't want the bag and the box to get doused in the rain so I held them very close to me. I looked for my phone so I could book a ride but finally, just at the most inconvenient time, I ran out of battery. I tried to get my wallet so I could get a bus but unfortunately, I didn't bring it with me.

I watched the paperbag and the shoebox get soaked in the water no matter how hard I held them close to me.

There wasn't an even more savage way of being unlucky just like I was that second. I lost both James and Red---two men who always helped me get past my misfortunes. This was what Angie had been telling me about. I'd be nothing without them.

I fell on my knees, as I watched the box and the bag perished. I sat there sobbing, mumbling to myself how I wanted my birthmark to disappear. I got louder and louder as the rain poured.

I remembered me walking home that night after Red kicked me out of the car, in the highway. I remembered me running away from my father's rage that night when I first met James.

I was about to go crazy.

I sobbed and sobbed until the rain seemed to have spared me---the rain still poured but I stopped getting rained on.

Dear Saint,

What now?

I looked up to see how the rain stopped pouring on me.

Red.

Red was holding his jacket up to cover me.

"The basketball player said that you didn't want to have ice cream with him," he said casually. "How about with me?"

Dub dub. Dub dub.

Dub dub. Dub dub.

"Boasty..." I wept like a kid. "The bag and the shoebox. I couldn't save them---"

"Ssshhh... Ssshhh," Red embraced me. It felt good. I liked it when he embraced me.

That moment, the girl in the red shoes stopped running around with questions in her head. That moment, the girl in the red shoes was pacified. That moment, the girl in the red shoes knew.