Shattered Happiness (9.2)

Minutes later, the door Xander, Mina, Lumina, Leon, and Kaedan walked out of flew open and Absinthe was on the ground, still tied to the chair and all. The only issue was that someone was beating the life out of him. There was a crack and Risále winced.

"Kaedan!" Xander had his arms around his boyfriend and he and Leon were already trying to separate Kaedan from the man. 

"You fucking bastards! You used him as a shield, you set him up! Everything that you put them through, me through, put him through, it was all for control over the Sector?! Was it worth it, you piece of shit? Was it fucking worth it? Did it feel good knowing that you all turned the world on an innocent man whose only mistake was caring about his best friend? Did it feel good knowing you had taken almost everyone away from him? You must have been so glad, having everyone turn a blind eye to the real monster! Well? Was it fucking worth it?!"

"Why are you taking it out on me, Your Highness? If I recall, didn't you also turn your back on him? Especially when he needed you the most—" Absinthe didn't even get to finish his sentence.

Kaedan punched Absinthe so hard that the man fell completely unconscious, hissing, "Shut up. Shut the fuck up," Kaedan was breathing hard, his anger still nowhere near quenched.

 All this time….All this time, Xander had been innocent.

Which meant that Xander had been through his most traumatic fear twice. Everyone he had loved had turned their back on him. And he had been completely alone the second time. He carefully led Xander out of the room, Leon muttering something to Mina and Lumina while gesturing to the man. As they nodded, he followed the two men out.

 The moment Mina and Lumina walked into the living room after making sure Absinthe was actually alive, Kaedan began pacing, and then stopped and looked at Xander, "Do you want to tell them, or should I?"

Xander reached out quietly and rested his hand on Kaedan's shoulder. He sighed softly, "I really think I'd end up talking about it again, and yet…Alright, get ready. It's a rough one."

It had taken an hour to recount everything, and another half an hour to calm everyone down. As they returned to their room, Kaedan turned to Xander and asked the question that made his heart hurt.

"Be honest with me, Xander. Was it my fault?" Kaedan asked quietly, and Xander wrapped his arms around Kaedan, pulling him closer.

"Please, don't ever think like that. Kaedan, you mean so much to me, you meant so much to me back then, but you could have never been the cause of something like that. You would have never been the motivation for me doing something like that," Xander said, "It's...It's just…"

Kaedan gently put his hand on top of Xander's hand as he leaned in, pressing his lips to Xander's, "I'm here, I'm not going anywhere, I'll wait as long as you need me to."

There was the unsaid message of "I won't make the same mistake ever again."

Xander breathed in deeply, "I was in a bad place. No matter what happened, I would have gone to them, the only thing that would have been different would have been the reason. I was already so mentally broken from what happened in that tower. I...I blamed myself for what happened there. I thought it was my fault, that I shouldn't have even approached all of you, that I should have known it would have led to that. I felt...so alone, and please don't blame yourself, Kaedan. You have to understand that you were not the only one, and it was completely understandable that you didn't believe me."

Kaedan shivered, sinking into Xander's arms, hooking his chin over the other man's shoulder, "When...When I saw them holding the gun to your…" He breathed out shakily, "I was so scared, Xander, I fucking froze. If...If we had been too late...I don't know what I would have done. I still loved you. Thinking about that, knowing what I know now...I almost lost you that day, Xander. And there was no way you felt any better immediately after that. I could have reached out—I could have tried to help you—"

"It wasn't your place at that time, angel. We were broken up at that time and even so, it wasn't entirely your responsibility to deal with my mental issues. I needed to help myself. I...I only got those two months of therapy, and then everything went to shit again…"

Kaedan pulled back, "Wait, two months after...When we got back together?" He asked softly, his body tense.

Xander's eyes widened as he vehemently shook his head, "What? No, God no, Kae, I mean the court case! If the court case, the arrest, everything falling apart, if that hadn't happened, I would have continued therapy. Eventually, I just forgot, I thought I was alright and never went back, but of course, that just meant that I didn't feel as...Suicidal as I did back then, specifically because I realized just how much I had to lose."

"Oh," Kaedan said softly, closing his eyes and burying his face in Xander's neck, "Oh, Xander, I would have wanted to help. When we found out the second version of events, I…I'd already forgiven you. And I felt horrible as well. I knew you. My brother trusted you. I couldn't understand how I was able to believe the initial story so quickly when I should have known you wouldn't do that. Even after that, I would have wanted to help you, or at least talk about it."

Xander bit his lip, "I...Honestly, I was scared to bring it up again. We worked past it, you forgave me and I forgave you, and I was afraid to bring up all the messy details, to shatter everything we had just made..."

Kaedan leaned in, kissing Xander softly. The older responded just as gently, his hands coming up to rest on Kaedan's face, stroking his cheek with his thumb while Kaedan placed his hands on Xander's waist to pull him closer. 

"It's not your fault and…" Kaedan closed his eyes, taking a deep breath in and out, "It feels like it's my fault but I can understand how from a logical standpoint, my actions were justifiable if you consider the information I had at the time," He continued shakily, "My anger was a problem back then, but I've worked on it and I've grown, I'm better now. I just...If there's anything else you need to tell me, I hope you can trust me to tell me."

Xander let out a sound that was reminiscent of a wounded animal, "Come here, come here, please, I need you here right now, I need you with me, please—" He started tugging at Kaedan's shirt. 

The younger gently pushed Xander back on the bed, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend's waist and laying down on top of him, resting his head on Xander's chest. Right above his heartbeat. It was calming, it always had been. There was still something that clung to his mind though.

Kaedan's eyes widened, "Wait, you still loved me during those two months? Then, that time I came over…"

Xander grimaced and didn't respond, "Yeah, it was a bit rough. But you were in a bad state. Kaedan, you hadn't slept in days, you were completely drunk, soaked to the bone—I don't think you even knew where you were until you saw me."

"Oh my God, I'm so sorry. I feel like such an asshole," Kaedan groaned, burying his face even further up into the joint between Xander's shoulder and neck, "And I just showed up at three in the morning—Oh my god, I even tried to kiss you, didn't I? Seriously, how did you forgive me?"

"Hm, it was pretty easy. But I also know how you can make it up to me though," Xander said jokingly, and Kaedan sat up, straddling his waist.

"Are you serious?" He rolled his eyes.

Xander raised his eyebrow, "What were you thinking, Kae? I was simply insinuating that you could cuddle with me. Am I misunderstanding?" Xander knew exactly what he was doing, the smirk on his mouth giving him away.

"We already cuddle every night, you dumbass. You're not very subtle, Guocheng Liu," Kaedan glared playfully at him.

"Oh, are you angry, my dear? You're very beautiful when you're angry. Look at you," Kaedan was struggling to hold back his laughter, and honestly, it seemed that so was Xander. Finally, the younger couldn't take it anymore and burst out laughing.

"Okay, what the fuck is this roleplay thing? Is this something we're actually going to explore?" 

Xander was laughing too, "My God, I have no idea, I was just hoping it would make you laugh or make you feel at least a little better. Are "my dear" and "darling" out? I thought I'd give it a shot—"

Kaedan leaned back down again, settling his mouth right at his collarbone, "Hm, how about I show you a little of how I feel about it?" He kissed the skin there lightly.

Xander choked on air, "Yeah...Uh—Okay, yeah, that's—Okay. Got it."