16- What Lies within Consent.

Quayleigh laid back down on the bed facing Tau. She could see the look of pain in his eyes, and knew that her words had hurt him in a way she hadn't expected. Reaching out she took his hand, giving it a gentle squeeze.

"Tau, do you remember what happened with Tim Kesling?"

"Yes, he was one of your foster parents when you were young. The one who gave you what you needed, so that we could speak, every week. The one who made you sad."

"That's right," she rolled her lip back into her mouth nervously, "And I was 13, going on 14 at the time."

"I remember that I would watch you cry, even though you said you were happy. I didn't understand it at the time. All you would tell me was how you imagined that it was me with you instead. If I had known the truth, if you had told me what he was doing to you…"

"No, Tau, don't do that. What happened wasn't something you could have stopped. Even if I had told you, it wouldn't have mattered. I had made my choice, as wrong as it was, as sick as Tim was, when I realized what he was doing and figured out that it was wrong, I should have said something to someone, even if it was just Oxana. Instead, I made the choice to bargain with that devil. Despite with the law said, and he definitely deserves to be where he is for what he did because he never should have approached me in the first place, I was wrong too. I agreed to what he wanted, I gave in, because it was a means to an end. He got me what I wanted, and in a way, it made it easier on me. In my own mind, it made it okay because I was getting something out of it too. I had some amount of control over what was happening."

"But you were still sad and hurting."

"Yeah," she nodded, as old memories were dredged to the surface, causing her stomach to churn. "What he did was criminal. It was wrong because he took advantage, and I was a child. He was in a position similar to the one I'm in with you now. That boundary I can't cross, is the one between giving consent and fully understanding what it means. You don't know your own body yet, and I'm not even sure you understand what you're feeling."

"I am learning though, albeit slowly. These feelings, and emotions, they're different from the ones I had before. My old feelings, they were like memories of feelings. They lingered but instigated no response. It's difficult to describe," he said as he shifted closer. "At the time, I couldn't have explained what it was that I was feeling. I had no way to understand them. Now, I know that I was fascinated by you. I desired to see you. I wanted to read what you would write. I was intrigued by your confessions, and thoughts, even though, I didn't always understand them. Still, I wanted to be there with you. Nothing else mattered when the green appeared. You were so kind and curious. And the gifts you sent, gave me a reason to go to my favorite place at the pools."

"All of those feelings, your wants and desires, has any of that changed?"

"Yes, because I am here with you. I'm learning to understand them. I can call them by their proper names, and truly feel them. They were different when you were younger. I thought you were adorable. I wanted to spend time with you, nothing more. It was a pleasant surprise when the green would appear, and despite the loneliness you carried, you always seemed light. Then you went to the live with the Kesling's. I saw how heavy you became, and I wanted to reach out and hold you. I wanted to comfort you, and I wanted to see because I needed to. I had to know that you were there. Concern. That's what I felt. I was concerned for you. I was worried. Then I watched as you grew older. You became more beautiful as you aged, the sadness was still there, but the heaviness had faded a bit. Even when you would miss a session, I somehow knew that you would be alright. Until the first time you left the candle burning. That was the night you told me that your heart would always be mine. And it was also the first night, I saw you without a covering. You were on the floor, curled up next to dented ritual bowl. You were using a millipede and were covered in bruises. There was a scrap, a rug-burn up the side of your back. You said you couldn't stay there. That there was no bargaining with the new monster. I had never felt so helpless as I did that night. I tried to curl up on the floor beside you as you cried, but I would block the green and you would vanish. The last thing you wrote to me, was 'one way or another, I will see you again, eventually'."

"I remember, you were confused by what I had said. You thought I meant it literally and said something about how humans can't live without their hearts."

"To be honest, I'm still not certain of what you meant."

"I meant that I had chosen to have my heart love only you, so no one else could have it. I made it yours so you could protect it. To make sure that there was no room for anyone else. I closed it off, to make sure that I could never be hurt. To make sure, that no matter what, I would always find my way to you."

"What happened to you that day? You never did tell me."

"Because it doesn't matter, not anymore."

"You left because of what happened. It was more than a year before I saw you again. Who did that to you?"

"It was the son of the foster family I had been sent to after Tim's trial was over. Alex Gardner. He was two years older than me, maybe. He had looked me up online and read about the trial. He had found out about the deal I had made with Tim. He wanted the same one, and when I refused, he beat the hell out of me, grabbed me by the ankles and dragged me down the basement stairs. He tore off my cloths, saw the rest of my scars and said I was too ugly to...," she paused and shook her head. "Not that it stopped him from jerking off and calling me a whore, and then blaming me for it. But he promised he wouldn't say anything, because he knew it would destroy my reputation, and it would make Tim look innocent. I was a seductress, after all. But he still didn't think a sick pedophile belonged on the streets. Like somehow there was a difference between them. Then he left, and that was when I contacted you. I wanted to say goodbye because I knew I wouldn't be able to contact you again for a while and I didn't want to just disappear without telling you how much you meant to me." Tears began to fill her eyes as he grabbed the back of her neck and pulled her closer, "Tau, I didn't know if I was ever going to be able to contact you again. That was my last candle, and I had to leave almost everything behind. When I woke up, I packed what I could into a bag and ran."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because there was nothing you could have done, and I never wanted you to see me as a victim."

"But aren't you?"

"No, I'm a survivor. The things I've gone through, what I done and what I experienced, have been horrible, but through it all, you were the one thing that was mine; that no one could take from me. You were my friend, when I had no one else. I never wanted that to change. I wanted you to see me for who I was, and not all the scars that I carry."

"I do see you. More clearly than I ever have," he said as he gently wiped the tears from her cheeks. "After that year, when the green appeared again; if my heart could have beat, it would have burst from my chest. Everything about you was more radiant. I had been worried for you the entire time, without even knowing. I kept waiting, wanting more than anything to see you again. Even if it meant that I was taking you on your final walk," he whispered. "But that night, that first night after you came back, everything had changed. You were different, and I was captivated. Now that these feelings are clear to me, I understand that I was taken by you. That I desired nothing more than to be at your side. I wanted for the green to never fade. Now that I'm here, with you, I feel that same way. I know it doesn't seem like that by the way I reacted, but that had nothing to do with you."

"Well, I hope it had something to do with me." She smirked as he moved his hand up against hers.

"I mean, it did. I reacted to you, but then I fell off the bed because of a sudden pain, and that wasn't you."

"Are you feeling better now?"

"Yes, without those pants on, there is plenty of room, and I'm not bent in a strange position," he replied as he stretched out his fingers, moving hers in sync with his own. "Do you think you will ever kiss me again?"

"Is that something you would like?"

"Very much, if it's something you would like too."

"I would. It's something I've always wanted to do."

At her words, he shifted up onto his elbow and looked at her with curiosity, "You mean now that I look like this?"

Her cheeks turned red as she closed her eyes and turned into the pillow, a quiet, muffled, "no", emanating from the fabric.

Leaning closer, he brushed his cheek against her shoulder, whispering, "What was that? I didn't hear you."

With a groan she rolled over onto her back and quickly covered her face with her hands. "Tau, this is so embarrassing…," she complained as he tapped at the back of her hand. Sliding them slowly down her face, she took a deep breath and repeated, "No."

"No?"

"No. Not as you are now. And don't get me wrong, I'm not entirely opposed to this, but it's just not what I imagined being near you would be like."

"Not entirely?"

"Let me up," she said, causing him to shift back onto his knees. Rolling out of the bed, she knelt down and grabbed a decorative cardboard box out from beneath it. "You want to know what I used to see?"

"You can show me?"

"Sort of," she replied, opening the lid.

From the box she removed an old paintbrush, a small vial, partially filled with a thick black substance, and a bottle of clear gel, all of which she set onto the nightstand. Moving to her closet, she retrieved an older hand towel, and passed it to him.

"Remember how I said that I was going to help you out with your bodies reactions?"

"Yes."

"Good, because the truth is, I can't. Not really. I mean I can't stop it from happening. I can, however, show you a way to manage yourself, so that the aching your experiencing doesn't get worse. Too many false starts, and not enough finishes with a Vastilem sigil, and honestly, I'm surprised you aren't suffering a lot more already. Personal maintenance is important, and you need to get more familiar with your new body," she said as she moved into the kitchen. "Back when I was living with the Kesling's, I learned the Escadaram rune," she explained as she grabbed a clean glass from the cupboard filling it halfway with water. "It pulls you into your own mind, allowing you escape what's going on around you. It changes the experience, altering your perception of what's happening. For me, I used it to turn the devil into what I imagined you to look like. So, everything that was pleasurable and enjoyable, was attributed to you. I know, it's sort of twisted, but you saved me without even knowing. Inside my head, I loved you more than anything." Moving across the room, she set the glass down on the nightstand.

"What is all of that for?"

"I want to use the Escadaram on you. In there, you can explore everything about yourself, from what turns you on, to who you really are. The cost for this particular rune is paid on the finish. As in you have to finish. Which, I don't think is going to be a problem for you at this point. That being said, if you would rather experience this alone, I'll go for a walk after you're set up."

"Do you mean, I should… I'll have to…?" he asked quizzically, uncertain of what she had been referring to.

"Yes. You will have to enjoy yourself. Preferably into the hand towel," she replied as she moved to him, and stood between his knees, setting her hands onto his cheeks.

"I would prefer if this wouldn't happen at all. I don't want to make you uncomfortable. I don't want you to be frightened of me. I don't want to be like the devil or the monster," he said in pleading tone as he set his hands over hers, his face scrunching with self-loathing.

"Tau, answer me honestly, when you look at me, what do you feel?"

"Warm, and not just from where your hands are touching me, but on the inside, and it radiates all over. I feel like grabbing on to you and holding you, and when I think about that, I feel pressure, and excitement, my heart begins to pound, and as you can see," he replied as he glanced down.

"You're aroused, just by looking at me?"

"Yes. Just being around you makes me want to be with you more, but I'm not human, not really. I know that, and I'm happy just to be near you. I shouldn't want this, I have no right to force my desires onto you, but as I am now, I crave more. I don't want that to be a bad thing."

"It isn't." She smiled, harshly blushing, her heart pounding in her chest. "Tau, sex in all of its forms is an intimate thing. Aside from self-pleasuring, it's something that should be done between consenting adults, that fully understand what they're consenting to. Eventually, we might end up there, but for now, this is where it starts, with you, getting to know yourself. And if you want, with me at your side. But if you have any reservations at all, about being in a relationship with me that will move in that direction, then you need to say something. Even if right now you want it, but later decide that you don't, it's okay. You just have to tell me. I'll understand."

"Quayleigh, I trust you. If I'm to experience these things as a human, then I want to experience them with you. And only you. Are you ok with that?"

"Yes Tau. I'm good with that," she replied, her smile growing wider as he wrapped his hands around her sides and pulled her closer.

"Is it ok if I kiss you now?"

She nodded as she slid her hand to the back of his head, shifting her other forward. Pushing down against this chin with her thumb, forcing his lips to part ever-so slightly, she leaned in, and kissed him once again. It was warm, and tender, and lingered as she breathed in, only parting when it became necessary to exhale. This time Tau did not turn away, or fall from the bed, instead his eyes drifted open, and he stared at her longingly.

"And that isn't even the fun part." Quayleigh smirked, as she returned his gaze. She was completely enamored with the man who was sitting before her, but in the back of her mind, it wasn't him she was thinking of when he kissed her.