Chapter 15

Shiromiya slowly entered the courtyard of the House of Love. Daylight had already appeared on the horizon, but silence took over everything there. From experience, he knew that the place would not start moving until nine o'clock when Nana woke up. So he took a deep breath, sure to make no noise, and stood on tiptoe as he approached the door to his room.

A loud meow made him turn his face to the side. Minikui looked at him with condemning eyes. Shiromiya brought her index finger to his lips and asked the cat for silence. His response was another strong, provocative meow.

Damn cat!

He entered and closed the door behind him, leaving behind Shin's cat, who seemed to detest his audacity. He heard the cat sharpening his nails at the door and knew, in that instant, that Minikui would take revenge, perhaps peeing on his futon as soon as could.

However, the cat was the last of his worries when, when he turned towards the bed, he noticed Aiko Mamoru sitting in a chair, with their eyes fixed on him.

Shiro was in trouble, he knew.

" The heat got worse during the night, so I decided to put a basin of water in the rooms to slightly moisten the air. But as soon as I got to yours, I found it empty " Aiko said. The tone, although calm, was furious. "For much less, several girls from Ai have been sent away, Shiromiya," he warned. " I never tolerated disobedience and I don't intend to start now. " took a deep breath. " Who were you with?"

Shiro lowered his face, embarrassed. The answer was obvious.

" Oh, I don't need to ask, is it? " Aiko stood up and walked over to him. " How could you escape at dawn to meet Ryo? Have no self-respect?"

"I didn't do anything wrong, Aiko-san," Shiro said. " He took me to bathe in the lake."

" At dawn? " it was hard to believe.

Shiromiya wanted to defend herself, to use fanciful or coherent arguments to explain herself. However, he found himself telling the truth.

" You went to the river with Sakamoto-san and Ryo-san when you were younger, didn't you? I'm sure you have fond memories of your childhood. I have no fond memories of my childhood, Aiko-san, so I just wanted to build a good memory that could comfort me when I got older."

Mamoru watched him for a few seconds. If anyone else said that to Aiko, he would be sure that he would be trying to manipulate him with sad words. But not Shiromiya. Kazue was too innocent and forthright to do so.

" Never leave without telling me. How do you think I stayed when I saw the empty room?"

His sentence came out more sentimental than planned. However, he shrugged. How to be angry at Shiromiya if he did the same things when he was your age?

" Forgive me " the other asked.

Aiko nodded and patted her wet hair. Then he walked away.

" Get some sleep, now that the heat has stopped. "

" Thanks for understanding me, Aiko-san."

There was a significant exchange of friendship in those words. Mamoru smiled and left the bedroom.

***

At ten o'clock that same day, Saito returned to Ai. He was received by Midori, who seemed delighted by the man's appearance, but shortly afterward, she completely lost interest when told that he was a friend of Shin Sakamoto.

Saito walked to the tea room. The place was used as an office by Aiko. He waited for about ten minutes until he entered.

Curiously, he hoped that the men's heavenly appearance would not involve him that time, after all, he no longer had the surprise factor to trigger reactions in him. However, once again, he was overcome by a strange tingling upon seeing him.

Aiko had taken a shower. His hair was wet and tied in a bun at the nape of her neck. His aristocratic posture was even more visible, making him smile at the upturned nose that insisted on standing up for him as soon as he saw him.

" Did you find Shin? " Aiko asked.

Sakamoto's cat appeared again, this time not being carried on his lap, but curling up on his legs. Jiro looked down and stroked the plump snout before answering.

" No. He didn't come home, he wasn't in a brothel nearby. I spent a sleepless night, behind him. Nobody saw him."

Aiko felt his eyes prickle and held back tears. Sakamoto, although eccentric, did not usually disappear. After what Jiro had narrated, everything could be happening. What if Shin attempted suicide? Mamoru would never forgive himself for leaving him at the mercy of himself.

" I'm going to ask some of the men who guard Ai to go after him."

" It is not necessary. The whole Kempeitai is looking for him. They will communicate with me as soon as Shin appears."

Mamoru nodded, hoping the news would come soon. However, the sun was already in the middle of the sky when one of the soldiers appeared before the gate. Saito ate a piece of fish that Nana had prepared for lunch, and Aiko was pacing back and forth when a noise made them both turn.

" Sakamoto was found near here," the policeman told Jiro.

There were no further explanations. Getting in the car, Jiro and Aiko were taken to a residential area with poor houses and dirt floors. Shin was lying in a manhole, covered in vomit, and carrying a bottle of sake in his hands.

" Shin-san, are you okay? " Aiko ran to him.

Saito kept his distance, allowing privacy. He shuddered at the image of a beautiful Mamoru bowing to a notorious Shin. Watching them, it was hard to believe that they were not lovers. There was a glaring intimacy between them and something that went far beyond love between friends.

He was deeply uncomfortable with that.

The bigger man opened his eyes. His breath, smelling of alcohol, entered Aiko's nostrils. Shin seemed to have returned at that moment of the war, such as the state of destruction in his eyes.

" You do not love me anymore?" He asked, whimpering.

Jiro was surprised by the question. He didn't think Shin was childish when he was with Mamoru. With he, Shin had behaved like a legitimate member of the Imperial family.

" Why didn't you tell me you were suffering?"

"You didn't give me a chance ..." Shin murmured. " You've been accusing me ..."

Both of them suddenly remembered Saito, who just raised his eyebrows at the words.

" Let's take him away, " Aiko said and then turned to Shin. " Have you eaten? I'll prepare something very tasty for you to eat."

Like a five-year-old, Shin dropped the drink and nodded smiling at his best friend.

***

"He's asleep," Mamoru explained. " You won't be able to see him now."

As soon as Shin laid down on Aiko's futon, Saito left. He said he would spend the night to see him. Even though the tone in his voice indicated that he had other interests besides Shin, Aiko pretended not to understand, and just nodded.

He cleaned Shin and left him sleeping. However, less than half an hour later, Ryo appeared, and he didn't seem to care about the other's sleep.

" I'll wake he up."

" He didn't sleep all night! " Aiko blinked.

" Because Shin drank like an inconsequential! " muttered the merchant, already predicting the reasons for his friend's insomnia.

Aiko was furious at the accusation.

" Well well. And who are you to judge him? Do you think I don't know you spent the night too? Who's been taking my boy to a river at dawn?"

If Ryo was amazed, he didn't show it.

" Did Shiro tell you?"

" I caught him coming back hidden."

" And what was your reaction?"

Mamoru sighed.

" What does it matter? " suddenly, something occurred to him. " Do you want me to expel he? Are these your reasons for making he disobey me?"

It hadn't passed on to Ryo. However, the possibility that Shiro would be helpless, consequently - out of pure friendship, of course - would force him to offer him a roof. The realization caused him a frenzy.

" Get those thoughts out of your head, because it won't happen. Shiro is like my family, I love him and I will stay with him."

Ryo spoke indistinctly something that he did not understand. Then he turned his attention to the subject that had brought him to Ai.

" Please, I want to see Shin."

" I already said he's resting. You can come at night ..."

Angered, the merchant pushed Mamoru. The owner of House of Love even tried to stop him, but in seconds Ryo was in the beautiful wooden bedroom. His steady footsteps echoed in the spot, yet Shin did not stop snoring.

"Leave him," Mamoru insisted.

" Now, now! " Ryo said almost at the same time, throwing a pillow hard in the face of his friend.

Shin opened his eyes, sitting up scared. Then he looked at the two friends.

" Why did you wake me up?" He asked Ryo, his voice tearful. " I'm sick, don't you see?"

" Your disease is lack of shame in the face! " the other seemed possessed. " You drank until you passed out, didn't you?"

"Don't talk to him like that," Mamoru interjected. " Shin needs a friend who loves and understands him, not one who pours his criticisms on him."

" That's right " Sakamoto agreed.

" I don't have time to love and understand him " the other returned. " Please, can you leave us alone? I need to talk to him."

Mamoru was a little surprised by the request, but given the fact that Shin was already awake, he left. Shortly afterward, Ryo sat on a bench next to the futon, ready to tell his unease. However, the mouth did not open at first.

Hell! Ryo was nervous.

" What is? " Shin grunted. " What happened to you to disturb my sleep?"

He found Sakamoto. There was a slight trace of the old Shin there, but there was also something new, something that Ryo did not understand or could not read.

" You are different. Did you lose weight?"

"No, I gained weight," the other replied. " You know I'm the type to discount all my food problems. I think I'm about five kilos above normal."

It was true. Staring at him intently, he noticed the rounder face since the last time he saw him.

"We haven't seen each other in a while," he realized. " How was your trip to Germany? " question.

Suddenly, his problems didn't seem so important anymore. Shin's blank look shocked him so much that he preferred to hear him speak.

"Nothing is as I imagined it," Shin mumbled. " Do you know when you believe in something, fight for it, defend it with tooth and nail and even overwhelm those who do not accept the focus of their faith?"

" Hitler disappointed you?"

" Everything disappointed me " he looked up at his friend and confessed, seriously. " I think about ending everything."

" What you mean?"

"To die," he replied. " The only thing that prevents me from this is to know that Aiko needs protection. I destroyed Hiroshi, but others may be lurking."

Was Hiroshi dead? Did Shiro know? Why hadn't told him?

"Dying is never a solution," he said. " Want to talk about what you saw?"

Sakamoto laughed, ironic.

" Need? I bet you know. I bet you see that in your visions during your dreams. You were never in favor of war, you just fail to do so because you know that raising your voice against the decisions of the Empire can lead you to the firing squad."

" I leave the challenges to the heroes. " Ryo agreed. " I prefer to abstain and live."

"Wise decision," Shin murmured. " Even because there are no good and bad, no one is worth anything, they are all the same gang ... " He bit his lip hard. " I hate myself for everything I've done in the name of what I considered sacred ..."

" Martyrdom doesn't solve anything " Ryo was cold. " Try not to think and move on. As you said, Mamoru needs you, which leads to more people. After all, Aiko keeps a lot of people during those times."

" I know that." Shin closed his eyes for a few seconds, and then he seemed to remember something. "You don't usually look for me," he said. " Did something happen?"

Given the problems that Sakamoto was facing, he seemed simply unreasonable. Even so, Ryo decided to be frank, after all, he had no peace since the previous night.

"I did ..." he started, and suddenly his mouth closed, extremely ashamed of what was to come.

"What?"

Ryo swallowed.

" Do you believe that a man who likes women and is only physically attracted to women can be sexually attracted to other men?"

Shin shrugged.

"This is common in war and prisons," he replied. " Abstinence usually causes this reaction."

Abstinence? Ryo immediately noticed the answers to all his concerns.

" Did you feel attracted to a guy? " the comic tone in Sakamoto's voice made Ryo blush.

"I don't even remember when I was last with a woman," he defended himself.

Shin raised his eyebrows in scorn.

" And why? Is sick? Are you powerless? " he joked.

"I just don't feel like it," he was frank. "I only realize now that I haven't slept with a lady for a long time. Simply being close to him seems to be more important than sharing the bed with anyone else."

Shin looked impressed.

" Who is it?"

"A friend," he said.

" Aiko?"

Sakamoto must have been crazy.

" Where do you get these ideas from? " Ryo replied. " Of course it's not Aiko."

" Aiko and I are your only friends " Shin considered. "If it's not him ..." He thought for a few seconds. Then he looked nervous. " I appreciate your consideration, but I don't feel any kind of ..."

" Ah, fuck you! " Ryo stood up, almost kicking the chair. " It's not you either!"

Then he walked to the window. Both hands in the pocket.

" Last night, Shiro and I went to bathe in the river. " said. " When he took off his clothes, I had ..."

It didn't end, it didn't have to.

" Do you think you like him? " Shin asked.

There was no fun in Sakamoto's tone and Ryo realized that Shin was taking his outburst seriously. He was satisfied.

Then he opened his mouth to deny it, but the sound did not come out.

"I don't like men," he said at last, perseveringly. " I like women."

" Then?"

"I like to see Shiro happy," he said, then. " What does that make me?"

Shin laughed.

" You're too worried about labels. If you happen to feel strange in front of Shiro, take a woman to the bed and take the test."

Ryo didn't like the idea. It caused disgust. However, it was logical and rational, that said, he nodded to his friend.

***

Shin slept through the afternoon. It was already night when he woke up still exhausted from the hangover and the psychological slaughter he was doing against himself. He opened his eyes and looked at Aiko, who was dressing in front of a beautiful mirror. He smiled involuntarily, thanking his friend for welcoming him.

" Do you intend to go to the salon? " Aiko asked, as soon as he saw him awake.

"I'm going to stay here," he denied. " I want to be alone."

Mamoru nodded, understanding instantly.

He bit his lower lip and looked at himself in the mirror again. His nimble fingers buttoned the metal buttons, while the fabric belt framed the linen kimono. He was handsome that night, he admitted to himself, perhaps because he was happy to know that Shin was there with him ...

Shin had not abandoned him.

Even though Saito Jiro was a difficult temptation to be denied, it was Aiko that Shin chose, and that brought him great joy.

The thoughts flew up to the day before, the proof of love that Shin had given him. Could it be that in his horror he failed to understand the romanticism of the act? Shiro had thought it was beautiful, and perhaps the youngest was more open to showing love.

He turned to Shin again. They faced each other. It passed on to Aiko the idea that perhaps all his suffering for living a platonic love had been foolishly created by his conscience. What if it was matched? What if he just didn't understand Sakamoto's feelings?

" What are we to each other, Shin? " he asked, point-blank.

Sakamoto was stunned by the question. He wondered what he would answer, but no words came out of him.

" You said you loved me " Aiko murmured before the other's silence.

" And I love."

" A feeling similar to the one you dedicate to Ryo? "

Of course, the feeling was not the same.

" Why are we talking about this?" He asked irritably.

" Sometimes you act like we're lovers. You are jealous, protective, possessive, and loving. Everyone imagines this, nobody believes in our friendship. Even Ryo suspects that our involvement is not fraternizing. I want to know what I am to you.

Shin sat down. He rested his arms on his knees, in a defensive posture. The truth is, he wasn't in the mood for that conversation, he didn't know what to say. He was afraid that any advance with Mamoru would drive them away for good.

Suddenly, he felt that Aiko was sitting opposite him. The beautiful white fingers held his hands.

"I love you, Shin," he confessed. " I think you have known this for many years, but I wanted to declare myself.

Shin pulled his hands away, without looking at him. He felt like a prisoner of war, facing an interrogation.

"Don't press me," he stammered uncertainly.

Mamoru felt his eyes fill with tears at the other's refusal.

" Why anyone but not me?" He asked, devastated. " How long did it take to get Saito to bed? One day? " accurate. " You don't even look at those you sleep with. However, you never chose me. Why with anyone who doesn't even care about you and not me, who you love?"

" If it doesn't work out, how will we end? " the other questioned. "The probability of everything going wrong is huge and you know it. I prefer to continue like this ...

"Comfortable for you!" Aiko thought. " But I do not! " the other interrupted him. " I want to be loved as Saito be.

" Jiro is not like you. Stop comparing yourself " he said.

Aiko's hands almost went up to attack Shin, but he understood that he didn't have that right. Shin never promised him anything.

"That's right," he said, his voice choked. "I won't ask for anything more, " he promised.

Before getting up, however, he was held by Shin Sakamoto.

" If Kami-sama told me that I should choose only one person in the world for me, I would choose you, Aiko. There were never rivals, my feelings were always yours " he admitted. "But I can't ..." he lowered his voice. " Not yet..."

" Why?"

" Because I know I'm going to make him hate me. I do not want to hurt him."

It hurt. Mamoru revolted against those stupid excuses. He wanted to shout, curse him, send him to the beans with his idyllic thoughts. But he gathered his rest of dignity and pride and stood up. He left the room without looking back, focusing his mind on work. He didn't know, but that night would still have big surprises in store for him.