Do You Know?

I love him. He was perfect. Not too big, not too small, just perfect. He was cute, funny, smart, flirtatious when he felt confident, perfect. Everything I had ever dreamed of. He played video games like Minecraft and Super Smash Bros. He was left handed. I always loved that. I loved his little jokes. How he would be so excited to talk to me when he could. How he would take over my mind. He is still all I can think about. I fear I'm annoying my friends by talking about him too much. He made me feel special. Like I was worth something for once. Like I could do anything. He made me feel loved. What I would give to hear him say he loves me still. That he still cares. That he doesn't think I'm weird or crazy or desperate. But I am. I am desperate for him, crazy over him, and I want him to know my weird side and say he doesn't think it's weird or that he loves that part of me too. I'm glad he didn't die, but now I have to feel the burden of getting him grounded. His parents didn't want him to date until highschool. Not only did we violate that, he was my first kiss. I was the only he liked. I know that because before he admitted he loved me, he said he didn't even beleive in crushes. He had to break up with me. But now when I try to talk to him, he seems angry. I asked if he still wanted to be friends, but I fear he regretted it. I cried a river for him. I was scared for him. I tried to fight for our relationship, but it was impossible. I apologized in so many ways. I wrote "I'm sorry" in 72 languages including English. I wrote a note explaining how I know what I did was wrong and that it was a mistake. I wrote a list of songs to explain my feelings. I wrote on a card. I wrote other notes. I left messages and even wrote him a letter. I sent it in the mail. I may laugh and make jokes on the outside, but on the inside, I'll never be as happy as I was with him. No one can replace him. He was perfect. I haven't even been able to tell my dad about the breakup. I desperately wish we would get back together, but I told myself long ago that it was only trouble to get back in a relationship after we broke up. Now I cry. As much as possible. I cry and cry. I cried yesterday, the day before that, and the day before that. I cried for the entire day the day his parents told me to never contact him again. I miss him so much. He made me feel happier than my happiest moments. He was perfect. Perfect for me. I love him. Do you know how that feels?