33. Aisha Paul

I was sitting in a bathroom stall crying for what I believed was a couple of hours because I heard the bell ring. I had just shouted at Danish in the canteen for no apparent reason, for something that wasn't even true, something that I was overthinking and wasn't much of a big deal.

  But if all of it were true, why did I want to slit my wrists and die?

  I woke up today morning feeling the simultaneous need to shower, vomit, and to stay in my bed and never get out. I told my mother I was sick and would not go to school but of course she insisted that I go and got my breakfast to bed. Since the last two days I hadn't been able to keep food down. My body rejected everything. I threw the paranthas out of the window as soon as my mother left the room. For the longest I thought it was a side effect of the iPill Namrata had made me swallow the day after but it wasn't. Why did my mother let me go to that party? Why? I should have just stayed home and nothing would have happened.

  'Aren't you going to get ready?' asked Sarthak when he saw me in bed this morning. 'You will miss the bus.' None of this would have happened had Sarthak not planned the party. 'And why aren't you picking up Vibhor's calls? He called me twice today. He told me to tell you he misses you.'

  Why was Sarthak still talking? Why was he talking? Why did he have to leave for home that night? How was his assignment more important than me?

  'Call him, okay?'

  The mention of Vibhor's name made me gag. I got up, washed and scrubbed myself till my skin turned red and burned. The mirror fogged up and I was glad not to see myself in the mirror.

  I dodged the glances of my curious school mates who by now had heard of me losing my virginity to Vibhor on my birthday, reached my class, and settled at the last seat. Yes, I lost my virginity. I didn't share it. I didn't experience it. I lost it. It was snatched away from me.

  Namrata entered the class a little after me with Norbu walking close by. My eyes met Norbu's and he looked away, probably in shame. Yesterday, he had texted me to enquire if I was fine and I knew it was a courtesy text. I didn't blame him. What was he to do? He probably didn't believe me anyway. Even if he did, he wouldn't have known what to say or how to behave.

  Namrata came and sat next to me. Other boys in the class looked at me and smirked, almost as if me having had sex with one boy meant they had a shot too. Maybe they did? What stops them from having sex with me right now? Vibhor never asked. It wouldn't be any different. I felt their eyes on my skin like little crawling spiders. I could barely keep from crying.

  'Are you okay?' asked Namrata. I shook my head. 'Do you remember anything?' I shook my head. 'We all drank from the same bottle. I'm sure there was no sedative. Are you sure something happened?' I nodded and showed her the text Vibhor sent me.

  VIBHOR: Last night was great, we should do it again sometime. You took an iPill no?

  My stomach retched. 'Are you sure you didn't want to do it?' asked Namrata. 'You really liked him, Aisha. And you were kissing him all the time.' I had nothing to say. 'Are you sure you're not overthinking this? Are you sure it's a big deal? You don't even remember it. Can't you try to forget it?' asked Namrata. She rubbed my hands trying to calm me down. 'Can't you get past it?'

  'No.'

  'He was your boyfriend. And he really likes you. Doesn't that matter? He still dotes on you.'

  'But I didn't want him to do it—'

  'But it had to happen, didn't it? Some day or the other?' asked N 

amrata. 'Are you sure you're not saying this because you don't want people to think you willingly had sex with him?'

  'What—'

  'I'm just saying.'

  'What are you saying, Namrata? Please tell me, what the hell are you saying?'

  'I am just—'

  That was it.

  I ran from the classroom, through the corridors, bumped and crashed into people, away from her and from everyone else, and didn't stop till I reached the roof of my school building. I walked towards the edge of the roof and looked down; my head spun. I knew I wouldn't jump. I slumped on the ground and the tears came all at once.

  My best friend was supporting Vibhor, asking me to get past it, telling me that it had to happen some day. He had raped me. Hadn't he? Did he not? Was she right? Could it be even called rape? It had to happen some day? He likes me? He was my boyfriend? He still doted on me? Namrata was an intelligent woman, way more intelligent than I am, so could it be that she was right? Maybe the decision was his to take? But why did I feel powerless? Betrayed? Or this was how it was supposed to be? My phone rang. Vibhor calling. I switched it off. I stared at the phone, scared, as if he wielded the power to hurt me even through the phone.

  'There you are!'

  I turned. A cold shiver ran down my spine as I watched Vibhor walk towards me, smiling. I wanted to tell him to walk away from me but lost my voice. He came near, and with one swoop, he took me in his arms and nuzzled his nose against my neck and told me I smelled great.

  'Where have you been?' he asked, putting me down. 'I got something for you.' He rummaged through his pockets, took out a few old parking receipts and threw them away, and then found a little Swarovski pendant. 'This is for you. To celebrate you know . . . that.'

  We were alone. Was this why he was there? I felt like running. I felt like jumping off the terrace. Would he try doing it again? He held me tighter. Words dried in my throat and I felt my body go limp. What if I screamed? What would I tell people? He came to my room when I was asleep and had sex with me without my consent? He raped me. Who would believe that? I was the school slut for everyone anyway. And those Instagram pictures? The pictures at the party? I was the loose cannon and Vibhor was the nice boyfriend who had gifted me things.

Namrata's words rang clear in my head. It had to happen some day. It had to happen some day. It had to happen someday. It had to happen some day. You were kissing him all the time. It had to happen some day. It had to happen some day. You were kissing him all the time. It had to happen some day.

  I didn't fight back. He held my hand and we walked to the canteen together, hand in hand, like lovers. He smiled at his friends and they smiled back at him and at me. I felt the sickness take over my entire body. I was afraid, but most of all I felt alone.

  People looked at us in the canteen with envy. We were the IT couple, the couple other couples would choose to emulate, we were in love, we had had sex, we were happy and smiling, but I was so alone, so fucking alone.

  As I sat in the canteen, I decided I was done trying to find the woman I wanted to be. It was all a lie. All that Danish told me about experiences, about learning through mistakes, about forgiveness, about truth, about being your own person, about trusting people, everything we read together in the books, everything we talked about in those countless counselling sessions was a big fat lie to make me feel better about myself. Women can't make mistakes. One false step and you're done. No second chances. I had made my chance when I decide to drink at that party and now everything is ruined.

  I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault. I was raped and it was my fault.

  I had no reason to cry foul. It was my mistake.