That is the thing about pain, it demands to be felt

Dear diary,

There is a famous quote from a great author named John Green. It says that,

'Thats the thing about pain, It demands to be felt'

But every moment I spent with Cha Min was so precious that I never thought that I'll actually get the meaning behind such deep words.

Pain does demands to be felt. May it be physical or emotional. Sometimes some scars are too deep to heal completley.

Sometimes I blame our parents for asking us that question which had the doppler effect in our life. Every thing started to get down from the very moment. But soon I realized that it was not really their fault. It was our own decision, our own choices led us to this path.

They just wanted to see us happy. But the effect just wasn't the same. Life is unfair, right?

I keep on asking myself. Why did you leave me like that? Rejection from your loved one hurts alot but it was nothing compared to the feeling of loosing your loved one. Cause even after you are rejected, if your loved ones are happy you eventually accept it. If you love them, let them go, right?

I thought I was strong. That I was setting you free. But I am human too. I couldn't keep it much. I wasn't fooling anyone. Not you, nor my family that includes Yoona. They always see right through me.

It was hurtful to see your refusal. It was painful to see you moving on. But what hurted me the most was the truth. Why didn't you trust me enough to stay. Why did you have to make the decision by yourself? We lost so much precious time because of your stubbornness to make me happy. To give me a normal life.

But was it worth it? cause it didn't had the desired effect, now did it?

Do you know what happened when the news reached me? Well my parents tried to hid it from me but I guess you really can never hide the truth for long. They thought I'll be broken that I'll cry.

Well first I felt the piercing pain. It was unbearable. It felt like someone was stabbing a dagger repeatedly through my heart. I couldn't breath. I thought I was dying. Then the pain stopped and numbness overtook. Yes I was broken but I didn't cry at all. I didnt spoke, didn't eat. I think that made them even more worried.

My life just stopped. Nothing mattered anymore. I didn't felt any pain. I didn't feel anything.

I avoided everyone. My brother came back to help me through it. Yoona was stuck with me. My parents gave me extra attention. But I think there is a limit to everything. They can't see me going through this anymore. This numbness was too much. I wasn't willing to let them help me, so they sent me to see a psychologist. I didn't wanted to go but I know how much it was hurting them, to see me like this. So I went. Atleast I made an effort right?

It makes me think that if I get a chance to go back and change everything, will I do it? Will I not look at your way in the first wedding? Will I forget about you? Will I not talk to you or feel anything for you? Will I avoid your approach. Will I rwject those math lectures? Will I not go on those unofficial dates with you? Will I avoid those impromptu meet ups, those little secrets, sharing of deep emotions. Will I sacrifice everything to avoid this pain?

But I guess you already know the answer to that. I will never willingly forget anything about you. Those memories are too precious to me. I had the most magical moment with you. You were my first love, my first everything. I think what they say is right, you really can never forget about your first love. And no matter how much it hurts now I still treasure everything related to you in my heart.

But is it enough? Will it help me to live my life normaly? Will it ever be okay? Will I ever heal again?