Letter to you

Dear Diary,

I was supposed to right about my heart content as my psychiatrist told me. But the last entry that I wrote became more like writing a personal letter to Cha Min.

A lot of things happened yesterday. I broke into a crying fit after writing, which alerted my mother and she came running in to my room. To see me cry was tortures for her. She spent the night in my room. Singing lullaby to me like she used to.

I spend the night in my mothers arm and when I woke up my heart was a little lighter. Like a weight had been lifted up. But just a little bit.

But the pain I was feeling in my head was something else. My mother made some ginger tea to help me with the headache. Today she even went to the psychiatrist's office with me.

My psychiatrist raised an eyebrow to that but she didn't say anything else infront of her. She asked me about it when we were in the office though, because I always came alone every other time. My parents, brother and even Yoona had insisted to come with me from the first meeting but I didn't allow them. They gave up after trying hard because I was too stubborn. So today was a shocking change for her. I just couldn't see my mom upset anymore by my rejection.

I told my Psychiatrist about yesterday's incident. How I cried my eyes out after writing and surprisingly she had a relief in her eyes. It has been two months since I have been attending these sessions and this is the first time I saw this kind of emotion in her eyes. So I asked her about it and she replied with

"Crying is letting your emotions out of their bonds. You have been numb for so long that I was worried how to break your shell. But you finally cried which means you felt something. you are no more numb."

After saying this she smiled at me and said

"I am proud of you for making this advancement."

I smiled lightly at her. Its been a while since someone has any other feeling then pity for me.

Then she asked me a question, although I believe she already knew the answer to that

"Will you let me read your diary"

I rejected lightly and said "Not yet."

She smiled again and said "It is is better than a straight No."

She asked me a few questions about my sleep pattern and the medication and then told me

"Keep writing your emotions down. I am sure you will be able to break free. You will heal"

And I dont know if she knew just how many times I have asked that question to myself

'Will I ever be able to heal again?'

I just asked even Cha Min in my last entry the same question and hearing positive response from her was like waking up from a nightmare which has been prolonged too much.

I simply replied with "Okay"

She said "Good then, I'll see you next Wednesday."

I smiled and nodded. Then I left the clinic with my mom. She bought me icecream like she used to. After we came back I actually offered her help in the kitchen which shocked her alot. I could see tears in her eyes which made me wonder just how much I was absent that I didn't saw the pain I was inflicting on my loved ones.

She wanted to reject my offer but I guess my walking talking self was too tempting. We made black bean noodles and Wontons. I didnt talk much and just answered her questions and she didn't pushed it too. I could see that she was holding back. She was giving me space and for now I was grateful of her. I guess today was a happy occasion for her she didn't wanted to push her luck too mcuh.

When the dinner time arrived I sat with the rest of my family and it was again a shock for them as I was eating alone in my room for last six months.

Nobody commented on that. Dinner was amazing I praised my mother and she again had happy tears in her eyes.

After dinner I came back to my room, took a shower and started writing which is exactly what I am doing right now. I believe I'll go back to writing my love story.

So lets continue with the day Cha Min asked my help for finding the book for his assays.

So as soon as I came back to class Yoona attacked me with curious eyes and unstoppable excitement.

"Spill"