No ability to love

In another corner of the city Anai-ya arrived at her apartment. After parking she took the stairs to the top floor, stepping into her apartment she was greeted by her grey one year old cat. It seemed to have been taking a nap by the door waiting for her. It lifted its bright green eyes to gaze at her not bothering to move from its position.

"Hey bubs were you waiting for me?" She asked as she bent down to rub its silky fur.

The cat only responded by laying its head back down and nudging it closer to her hand. 'Rub my head' it seemed to say.

"Your mom had a really long day, come let's go to bed." She picked the small fur ball up, kicked off her shoes and headed to her room.

It was 2 am, her apartment had floor to ceiling windows in the living room and bedrooms. The sky was brighter than usual tonight you could see the sky littered with stars: there was a full moon tonight. It's believed that a full moon can affect your emotions. As she sat down on her bed holding the grey cat she felt her emotions shift, whether it was pure coincidence or directly connected to the moon she didn't know.

"Bubs do you think your mom is evil?" she said absentmindedly stroking the cats fur.

"Your auntie Bee came back today"

"She looked different, more reserved. Quiet"

"Do you think it's because of me?"

"Maybe I was wrong but it felt like there's now a wall between us."

"I could be wrong but our friendship is not the same anymore. She hardly looked me in the eye."

"I deserve it though, I tried to feel something for her but I feel nothing. Aren't I crazy?"

Anai-ya asked a string of questions as she stared ahead facing the window. She wasn't sure why but she felt better whenever she vented to her cat. Even if he could not understand the turbulent emotions his owner was trying to figure out he remained compliant in her arms.

It was ridiculous that she was talking to a cat, she felt silly. It was just the outcome of her keeping to herself. She was beautiful, sexy, smart and tough but she was lonely. To the outside world her confidence, her wit, looks and brains were enviable, she'd often get compliments that she was someone's role model. While she did have a strong belief system for herself when it came to her emotions she felt stunted.

After having slept with Brie she realized something she'd never noticed before. Brie liked her more than just a friend, how long this had been going on it was hard to tell. It made her uncomfortable because she did not feel the same way; she was cruel to others when they liked her but with Brie it was hard to handle the situation. Without a doubt Brie was extremely beautiful and smart, she was also one of the most caring people she knew. She was a great catch, Anai-ya couldn't deny it. However, as hard as she tried to feel something, the past couple of months when Brie was away on a mission she still felt nothing.

Was it surprising? No. She had left those kinds of feelings behind a long time ago. In order to become stronger she paid the price, she gave up her ability to love. She could either have her revenge or have love. She chose the latter.

One could argue that you can have both but in her line of work that was just wishful thinking. Loving someone created a weakness your enemies could exploit. She made a choice to not make herself vulnerable in that aspect she couldn't afford too.

She hoped that her drawing the line between them that day in the mountains would remind Brie that she didn't deserve nor want her love.

She got up from her bed letting the little grey cat scurry off, and headed to her bathroom. She was going to soak in the bath to calm her thoughts. It had been a long day and she needs relief.

NOTE FROM THE AUTHOR

Thanks for reading! I hope you're enjoying the chapters so far, this is my first time writing romance so just bear with me ❤️. I want to really set Anai-ya's world and character first before really diving into the romance.

Also for any young readers there will be R rated content I'll try to always put a note beforehand if the content will be overly explicit if you're not comfortable reading it you'll be able to skip it.

There will also be more LGBT+ characters/content so if you're not okay with it this might not be the book for you. Also if you're wondering, Anai-ya doesn't label herself so she will feel physical/emotional attractions to both men and women.

Thank you for your support ❤️