Chapter 22(Explicit Warning)

"Um sure." I got really nervous. It was kinda sudden! Since when do we just show up to my house uninvited? "Come on in." I step to the side to let him. He enters and I guide him to the living room where we start to sit and talk.

"Okay...do you think we should break up?" Wait what? Why would he ask that??

"What? No, why would we?"

"You haven't been talking to me and blatantly avoiding me."

"I haven't been avoiding yo-"

"I'm not an Idiot, Xena. I can tell when someone doesn't want to talk to or be around me." His strict jaw was clenched. His eyes were a bit red, like he was crying before he got here. "You don't talk to me anymore or at all now! So I'm asking you again. Do you want to break up? "

"No! No, why would I ever?! I love you, Zen!"

"You have a weird ass way of showing it."

"What do you mean???"

"Xena, the more I think about it, the more it becomes clear. I don't know a damn thing about you. You aren't personal with me at all."

"Okay but neither are you, Zen! You haven't told me shi-"

"When I was 5 years old, my mother started to develop a drug problem due to all of her stress from being paid off. This went on for years as she said awful things to me. 'This is all your fault.' She said to me. 'I should've never fucking had you.' She would tell me these things over and over and over to me while she was high and home alone with me. She would also not feed me on purpose until my father came home from work as a way of punishment. My mom was caught using needles by my father and in 7th grade, they got divorced. A year later,she overdosed and died. It was my fault too, I was the one who stressed her out and caused her to do what she did, right? For a brief while I blamed myself for my mother's death...I still do till this day."

"...oh." I was left speechless. What could I even say to him? "I-I'm Sorry, Zen. I didn't know."

"How could you? I never told you. And I never told you because you never gave me the option to. I was ready to give my all to you, I still am. But I can't if you don't talk to me. So it's your turn. Just tell me what happened in December. You haven't been the same since then."

I was silent for a while and as it grew, my eyes wondered away from his as my stomach bubbled. My fingers start to roll on the couch. "I....I don't think I can...not right now. But soon."

His anticipation for me to speak dropped and he just laid back in defeat. I can see how his frustrations turned into pure sadness. His eyes start to well up again and tears start to flow with ease. "Did I do something wrong? Is this my fault?"

"What??? No no no no no of course not, Zen. Nothing is your fault. I promise." I move closer to him and rub his leg.

"It must be because you just don't trust me. I must've been doing something wrong." His voice started to break.

"No, I do trust you. I trust you with everything." I get closer.

"Xena, I really do love you. I really do. You're my world. But if you can't trust me enough to talk to me then..."

"No! No no, we aren't breaking up, okay?!" I got on top of him and gave him the biggest hug I could. "I love you so. So much. You didn't do anything wrong. I promise."

He looked me in the eyes for a bit as his tears still flowed. He put his hand up to me. "Pinkie promise."

I locked pinkies with him as fast as I could. "I promise you. I'll fix this,okay?" I try to go in and kiss his lips but his head jerks back and he just looks at me.

"No kisses. No hugs. You haven't been doing it for 3 months, why start now? Xena, if you are going to fix our relationship, then start now." He gets up and wipes his face. "I'm gonna go Xena. I just needed to talk to you for a bit."

"Oh...I'm sorry."

"I love you, Xena."

"I love you too, Zen. Bye."

"Bye." The door shuts behind him and I'm left alone in this giant house once more. Alone with myself. Alone. Alone. Alone. I think I'm a bit dizzy.

Good job fucking up your relationship.

Oh. It's you. You did this. You messed everything up for me.

I want my life and body back.

You ruined my plans. I had a specific plan. I ran upstairs to the bathroom to turn on the bath. I go to the kitchen and I pace back and forth. Back and forth like a pendulum. You did this. You you you you you made Zen cry you broke his heart you ruined the relationship I had you you you. I grab a kitchen knife and put it to my arm. This will be punishment for making Zen cry. Punishment. Punishment. I cut the knife across my arm once and see my skin open up and separate as blood starts to leak. It fucking burns as my face starts to screw up in pain and agony. Tears flow. It hurts it hurts it hurts! But this is PUNISHMENT. PUNISH. I slit my wrist again and more blood oozes out of me. I can see the layers of my skin as it burns even more, it feels like my skin is on fire! One last time. One more punishment. I put the knife to me and slice deeper than the other two. Flames surround my arm and I drop the knife as I fall to the ground holding my arm close to me. Punishment is pain. I deserve this. I made him cry. I deserve pain. I deserve pain. I'm Fucking horrible. This is a lesson. Lesson.

I get up and my shirt is covered in my own blood with My wrist still bleeding. I walk to the bathroom, feeling weak and light. I turn off the water I strip completely naked and without hesitation, I stick my leg in the bath, the water is scorching. Soon,I sit down in the water and slowly ease in and press my back against the tub. I'm almost laying down as the hot water comes up to my cheek. I must. I have to cleanse myself. I am filthy and miserable. I made Zen cry. I made Zen cry. I must change for him. I must change. I must I must I must.

Xena, why?!

YOU. As I close my eyes the white room forms out of swirls in the darkness. I sit before her,engulfing myself in my own anger. "None of this would've happened if it wasn't for you."

"SO GIVE ME. MY LIFE BACK."

I lunge at her and tackle her to the ground. I sit on top of her and wrap my hands tightly around her throat. I pick her head up and bash it against the floor over and over and over and over and a pool of blood forms, staining the white floor. She stops moving but I get up and stomp on her face repeatedly.Shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up shut up SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT THE FUCK UP!

My eyes peel open. Cleanse myself.

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