Chapter 29

It was Monday afternoon at lunch and I walked to the lunch table and sat down next to Zen. Alex, Malcolm, Jace and Kuya look at me with a strange gaze.

"What?" I asked.

"Well, 1) Your hair is different. And 2)You've just been distant for the past couple of weeks. Like you've been skipping lunch. For a bit." Alex said. A bit concerned.

"Yea, sorry. I was...going through a lot. I'm sorry I didn't communicate with you guys." I look at Zen. "I'm sorry. I'll be better."

"Just talk to us so we can get a heads up. I assumed you got new friends. Also, nice hair." Malcolm says as everyone starts to compliment me. "Why did you change the white?"

"Eh...that part of my life is done. Forever. I don't want a reminder constantly of the...challenge I overcame. So I changed it. So it shows I changed both mentally and emotionally while also changing Physically."

"Woah. You've been through a lot for the past couple weeks, huh?" Jace says while she eats her sandwich.

"Yea." I rub Zen's thigh. "I'm glad it's over. I'll be better now." I love you,Zen. "So what have you guys been up to?"

"It's the end of March and spring break is coming up so we were planning a trip."

"A trip? Where?"

"Washington DC."

"...who's paying for that? And how would we get there?"

"We can string together some money...hopefully." Jace didn't seem too confident in herself.

"What are you going to tell your parents and where would we stay???"

"Well we were just going to say...I don't know, make it up. And the money we string together would get us a hotel." Alex butts in.

"...why don't we just wait for the overnight Trip?" I say.

"...ohhhhhh yea, yea you're right." Those words left everyone's mouths unanimously.

"It's in May so it's not far from spring break. It's the week after the last week of classes. Then summer break. We can do something else for spring break. But let's think about that later since it's still March. I had an idea."

"What is it?" Kuya spoke and looked at me.

"Let's have a sleepover at my place. That way I can...make up for lost time." I offer. "It would just be us and no adults, with tons of food and music and whatever. We can play truth or dare or spin the bottle or watch scary movies and stay up till the sun rises." Like a normal Teenage girl. "Maybe we can do that for spring break actually."

"I mean, I'm down." Malcolm said. Eventually everyone agreed. They all started to smile, which made me happy. I have my own friends. My own circle. My own life. No more internal screaming or conflicting wants and desires. I'm Xena...and it's beautiful.

A single pale rose in the middle of a green windy field. The rose slowly turns and turns and the petals begin to change to a dark red until it stops and the rose is blood soaked. Yes, there is beauty and peace found in singularity. But sacrifice. Beauty comes through sacrifices.

For me to be Xena, for me to be myself, I had to kill and erase bits and pieces of me so I fit into the image I want. Those bits and pieces were Riley and the others. I know what I've done and I'm aware of how awful it can seem but I need to go out of my way to worry about myself and my future and what I want for myself . I am a person too.

Dismissal came and Zen came up to me calmly."Hi."

"Hi."

"Can we talk in my car?"

"Sure." We walk to my car and I sit in the passenger's seat, waiting awkwardly. "So what do you want to talk about?"

"You seem to be better."

"...I'm sorry." I can feel my eyes start to water.

"Sorry for what??" He rubs my back.

"For hurting you...I never meant to." I can feel single tears run down my cheek. "I only want to make you happy and see you smile. Seeing you cry hurt me so much, it was like my head getting split open. I never want to make you sad again." I start to sob and try to wipe my tears over and over." I'm sorry, Zen. I'm so so sorry. I should've been better to you. You didn't deserve it."

"Hey hey, it's okay. You just have to communicate with me. You can't shut me out or just not talk to me. How am I supposed to know how you feel if you don't open your mouth? I love you Xena, I really do but talk."

"I know, I know. I'll do it. I'll do anything for you. I love you too Zen." We hugged and I wiped my tears all over his shirt. I really really love you.

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