29

29. Penetrating dreams

"Love is nothing to be reserved or afraid of. Time will come when you'll realize that there can't be life without love, nor love without hate. Never underestimate love!" The light voice of Albus Dumbledore made me turn around but I was surrounded by nothing but darkness.

Suddenly, I found myself in an empty classroom... Severus' classroom. Confused, I looked around and froze as I saw an older me face to face with Severus. Smiling he had pulled me closer by slipping a hand around my waist. Gently, he placed a kiss on my forehead and the older me leaned into him…

"The Mirror of Erised shows us nothing more or less than the deepest and most desperate desires of our hearts." Again, I was standing in the dark, surrounded by Dumbledore's voice that seemed to come from everywhere. I started running…

"Come to me, Aryanna. Come and join me. You cannot run away. It's your destiny to fight on my side…"

Out of breath and shivering I opened my eyes. The cold voice of my father was still in my ears. It was chilly in the room. I sighted staring at the ceiling. The moon shone into the room and a light breeze came through the open window. I was lying on my bed in the orphanage and waiting for Draco's owl. Almost every evening, after sunset, I spent my time lying in bed and reading or doing nothing. It was so boring and I wished this holidays to be over soon so that I could go to the Burrows and see my friends again. I was so excited at the thought to see the Quidditch World Cup.

Exhaling deeply, I swung my legs out of bed and went over to my desk, sitting down. From here I had a perfect view out of the window. The rustling of paper made me look down and I noticed that I had sat down on my letters. It had only ben two weeks since I'd come from Hogwarts but it felt like eternity. Therefore, my brother, my friends and Severus had sent me several letters to keep me busy.

Severus… I had had more and more strange dreams. Most of the times it was always the same. I saw an older me with Severus and I woke up when one of us was leaning in for a kiss. But the strange thing was that I never felt appalled in my dream. In contrary, I felt desire and a burning sensation rushing through my body. And the moment I woke up I was so confused that I didn't know what to think anymore. Sometimes I dreamt stupid things such as how Severus gave me the beautiful ring I had always wanted as first Christmas present in Hogwarts, how he had always taken care of me, how he tells me that he loves me. And then I dream of every time he had pushed me away or when he had been angry with me. I felt so confused about everything!

The shadow of an owl appeared in the darkness and snapped me out of my thoughts. Sighting, I shook my head and jumped of the desk.

"Hey there, I've been waiting for you!" I spoke gently to Draco's owl, who had a piece of parchment attached at its leg. Carefully, I took it and sat down on my bed.

Dear Arya,

How are you doing? I hope it's not too boring alone so we write as much as we can. Your surprise is still waiting by the way. You'll love it! Derek wants me to tell you that he misses you, he and Blaise are with me in my room right now. Sadly, they didn't get tickets for the World Cup otherwise we could've gone together and arrange an 'accidental meet' with you…

Tell me more about those dreams you have! What are they about? Do you think they're just random or carrying a message for you? Did you tell Snape about it? Maybe he can help you…

I've got to go now. All the best from Blaise and Derek! Hope to see you at the Quidditch World Cup, would be great!

Love from your brother, Draco

Smiling, I hold the letter in my hands for a little while. It would be awesome if I met Draco accidentally! Then again, he would definitely ask me about my dreams if we had enough time together. That wouldn't be so good after all. I hadn't told him yet what my dreams were about. How could I if I didn't even understand them myself.

Sighting annoyed, I stood up again. Those dreams were penetrating my mind! No matter what I did to keep myself busy, I couldn't forget them. Again and again, like a movie that repeated itself, I saw Severus leaning in to kiss me.

Oh stop it, Aryanna! Stop thinking about it or it'll only become worse. But why was I dreaming about being in love with Severus? That was the question I was asking myself every day… I didn't love him that way. I mean I enjoyed being with him, spending time with him. I loved our conversations, if we laughed together and I surely loved how good he knew me. And every time I thought about it I was overwhelmed by the fact that I was the only person who really knew him. Severus was being himself with me but no one else. With me he laughed, joked and showed his feelings. And I missed him! I missed him so much that a cold shiver rushed through my body every time I thought about him.

But I had never felt the urge to kiss him. Why would I kiss him? He's the man who raised me.

I groaned as I caught myself thinking about Severus again. Those dreams are nonsense! And this mirror is too. I told myself and searched my desk for an empty piece of parchment to write an answer.

Dear Draco,

I'm fine and you? As fine as one can be here… Tell Derek that I'm missing him too! I'm so desperate to see him again, better sooner than later. And it would be great to meet at the World Cup, maybe our ways will cross…

Those dreams don't mean anything. I mean they're complete rubbish. So, don't worry about me, I can deal with it. In fact, they keep me busy because I'm trying to understand them. Seeing as I've nothing else to do here…

I wish you, Blaise and Derek my best and hope to see you soon, all of you!

All my love,

Arya

With shaking hands, I attached the letter at the owl's leg and it took off into the night, leaving me alone in my room. Groaning, I let myself plop down on my bed and thought about the dream… again.

Damn it, damn it. "Damn it!" I said to myself, punching the blanket aggressively. Why the hell can't I forget anything? Why do I have those dreams? Restless, I turned around, laying on my stomach and burying my head in the pillow until I felt the lack of oxygen. Slowly, scene per scene I repeated the dream in my head.

What will it be like if I kiss my fairy love? I wondered, staring at the wall in front of me. Not Severus, but my fairy love. I cannot kiss Severus after all. He's my…

What was Severus? My father? My dad? I'd never called him 'dad' or 'father', not even as a child. No, my father was and will always be Tom Riddle, whether I liked it or not. But Severus?

Wow and again I'm thinking about Severus. Mentally, I slapped myself as hard as I could but nothing changed. I was still thinking about Severus. What if I really kissed him? What would happen?

Oh come on, I'm being stupid again! Severus doesn't even like me like that, end of story! And why would I kiss the guy who'd raised me?

But I knew I couldn't turn my thoughts off so easily. Severus surely wasn't just 'the guy who'd raised me'. He meant so much more and it bothered me that I didn't even know what exactly he meant to me. Losing myself in my thoughts about Severus I finally fell asleep.

"Aryanna Jackson, I love you!... I love you so much!... And because we can never be together I pushed you away and it tore me apart… Please, stay with me… I cannot lose you!"

Severus desperation and fear filled my whole being, it surrounded me in the darkness. I didn't even see my own body in the utter, mind-penetrating blackness.

"Severus?!" I screamed out but there was no response.

"Stay alive! Please! Arya, I cannot lose you! I can't!... I need you!" Severus voice was thick with emotions. My heart felt as if a knife was stabbing it repeatedly. I wanted to tell him that I was alive but I didn't know where I was.

"I almost lost you, Arya. For a few seconds, I thought you would die." That had been his words when I had been in the hospital wing.

"I love you, Severus." I heard my own voice quietly in the darkness.

"I love you too."

I woke up sobbing this time. I still felt the desperation in Severus' voice in every inch of my body. Shivering, I pulled the blanket tighter around me. My body shook with uncontrollable sobs and I buried my head in my arms.

Why, why, why? What did I do to have these dreams? I didn't manage to fall asleep again so I cried into the blanket, hugging myself tightly.