34

34. What is love?

The next morning, I woke up early. It was still dark outside. It was a dream about Severus and me that had woken me up somehow. The last time I had seen him was two days ago and I already started to miss him… Well, until I thought about the disastrous minutes the Beauxbatons girls had decided to keep an eye on Severus.

Sighting, I stood up, making myself ready for the day. Breakfast wouldn't start for another three hours. Quietly, I made my way through the castle, enjoying the calm. As I reached the entrance hall I didn't know where to go so I climbed all the stairs up to the astronomy tower. Students weren't allowed to be here but I didn't think a teacher would come and control so early in the morning. The sight into the huge valley made my thoughts drift away into the dark…

Gently, Severus snuck his arms around my waist from behind me, pulling me close to his chest. I smiled as he trailed soft kisses from the top of my head towards my left ear and down my neck.

'I love you so much', he whispered into my ear.

'I'll never leave you.' I said in a soft voice but his smile against my neck showed that he had heard me.

"Shouldn't you still be in bed?" I flinched and my heart beat faster as Severus' voice appeared right next to me.

When I turned to the left I found Severus staring at me intensely. I love you, Aryanna, his voice resounded in my mind repeatedly. His gaze was the same as in my dreams.

I love you too, Severus Snape, that was what I answered in my dreams. And then it was always the same; we kissed. Automatically, I looked down at his lips desire rushing through my whole body. He pulled me closer and I leaned into him…

"Everything okay?" Severus asked with furrowed eyebrows, snapping me out of my thoughts.

Shaking my head, I looked down to the black lake, blushing furiously. My eyes watered up in anger. I wanted to kiss him. I wanted him to kiss me, to tell me he loved me so that I could tell him that I loved him too…

"Arya?" Severus standing next to me didn't help me to calm down inwardly.

"No, I'm not okay!" What happened to me? I wanted to kiss him?! Severus is my teacher, for Merlin's sake! Angrily, I turned around. I needed to leave or I would break down.

A firm grip on my arm stopped me however. Severus whirled me around in a second but I refused to look at him.

"Would you please tell me what's going on here?" He growled annoyed. "I saw you yesterday with your friend Derek. After lunch I saw you leaving with him and not coming back until dinner. I guess you spent your day with him, Draco and Blaise. I haven't seen you that happy for a while."

I bit my lip and concentrated on whipping my emotions out of my face. I didn't want him to see that it was him who troubled me so much.

Coldly, I looked up. "Let go of me!" My reaction seemed to confuse Severus even more, nevertheless, he let go of my arm.

Obviously, searching for the reason of my behaviour in my eyes he stared at me wordlessly. "What happened?"

He sounded so helpless, it hurt but I couldn't tell him. I shook my head and attempted to leave but not with Severus. In less than a second he moved standing in my way and watching me with a blank, demanding expression now.

"Severus, remember when you told me that we both have our secrets. Well, this is not something I'll tell you, therefore, you don't need to try." I stated matter of fact but he stayed where he was.

The corner of his mouth twitched. "I have my reasons but I have everything under control. You, however, seem to be desperately lost in whatever problems you have."

I laughed shortly, speaking very slowly: "This is nothing of your concern, Severus. Do you understand me? Nothing!" I emphasized the last word, almost spatting, and passed him.

This time he didn't hold me back. As I had almost reached the stairs I heard his equally cold voice. "Is this about your fairy-love?"

I stopped dead in my tracks, my back still turned towards Severus. This was about Severus, not my fairy-love! Is it? Logically, Severus is your fairy-love if you're dreaming about him… The thought popped into my head as I stood at the staircase rigidly. I felt my eyes water up again as a strong wave of desperation filled my mind. I wanted to tell him the truth so badly but what if he didn't like it? He wouldn't like it! After all the truth was wrong!

Slowly, I turned around. Severus was watching me, his fists and jaw clenched tightly. I opened my mouth to tell him what was troubling me…

What if he'll hate me? What if he'll never talk to me again?

"This is not of your concern, Severus." With that I turned around and left as fast as I could, not wanting to see his reaction.

I run to the only place where he couldn't follow me, tears streaming down my face. Sobbing quietly, I lay down in my bed, the blanket pulled tightly around me. I fell asleep when there were no tears left.

Until Wednesday, I managed to act normal even if I was lost in thoughts most of the time. In Potions, I kept my head down and didn't say a word. I avoided Severus completely, therefore, I never spent my time alone whenever I left the common room. Of course, my change didn't go unnoticed. My Gryffindor friends were often talking about me or casting worried glances in my direction when they thought I wouldn't notice. They thought that this was all about my nightmares. Draco, Derek and Blaise on the contrary were asking me openly about it several times.

On the said Wednesday, I was down by the lake with Draco and Derek. Blaise had to finish some homework and wanted to meet up later.

"So tell me, why is there no guy you like in Durmstrang?" I asked a gloomy looking Derek.

"They're not my type." Draco and I chuckled, making him glare at us. His face light up as he started staring into space, obviously lost in thoughts. Draco and I exchanged an amused look.

"What are you thinking now?" Draco asked with raised eyebrows and a very smug expression. Derek, snapped out of his thoughts, shrugged his shoulders.

"Don't look at me that way, Draco." My brother didn't turn away so Derek sighted ironically and grinned.

"Well, there's one guy in Hogwarts that's a real eyecatcher. And from what I've seen he seems to be very nice." He had an admiring look on his face and I smiled to myself.

Draco – totally being Draco – ignored Derek's behaviour. "Who is he?"

Derek turned to my brother who watched him curiously. Right at that moment, Blaise rushed in our direction, totally out of breath. The three of us turned to him, confusion written all over our faces.

"What's wrong?" Derek asked concerned and Blaise gasped for air.

"Karkaroff… he's looking for you… a friend of yours told me to get you." Derek furrowed his eyebrows as he went towards his brother.

"Thank you, Blaise. See you later!" He turned to leave but Blaise followed him.

"I come with you. I need to drink something."

Draco and I were left alone, exchanging confused looks.

"That was strange!" I told him and he nodded thoughtfully. There was a long silence until he turned to me.

"Arya, I think you didn't tell me everything last time." Surprised, I glanced at Draco who was watching me closely with a determined look. I gulped and lowered my head. "I saw you change during the short time we're back in Hogwarts…"

Another silence followed in which I tried to find a way to start. I knew I couldn't hold back any longer, I needed to tell somebody. I needed to tell somebody who wouldn't judge me… I needed to tell my brother.

I opened my mouth and blurted out with everything he didn't know yet. "I lied to you last time. The nightmares aren't the reason I'm acting like this. I'm dreaming about Severus. I dream about him and me being together. In my dreams, we're kissing and he tells me he loves me."

Tears were streaming down my face and I didn't dare looking at Draco's face. I was afraid I'd see anger or disgust.

"You didn't tell him?" He asked surprisingly soft and I shook my head. Through a blurred vision, I looked up, raising my hands helpless.

"The dreams started this summer. At first I was disgusted and angry at myself. I mean he's my teacher after all… And then I came back to Hogwarts and everything changed. The dreams confused me and I started feeling uncomfortable and awkward around him. A few days ago, I was on the astronomy tower early in the morning and Severus came too. For the first time, I wanted to kiss him… I felt desire, Draco. I wanted to kiss Severus…" My voice was a whisper now until it broke completely. Horror and anger rushed through my whole body. Saying it out loud, made it only worse.

Draco took my hands in his. "You love him."

It wasn't a question but it felt right. Draco stayed quiet, giving me time to think about it. For the first time, I allowed myself to think about the feelings I had. I thought about the times I had been with Severus, how he had made me feel.

"I love him." I said with every inch of my heart. I really meant and realized it as I spoke it out. I raised my head to look Draco in the eyes and repeated it stronger this time. "I love Severus. He's my fairy-love."

Draco watched me, the corner of his mouth twitching upwards in a warm smile. "That makes sense."

"No, it doesn't." I replied weakly. "Severus is my teacher, Draco. And he raised me…" Sadness traced my voice now but my brother didn't seem to understand my point. "This is sick!" I tried to make him understand but Draco shook his head.

"This is right, Arya!" He stated matter of fact.

"Why do you think that? I mean Severus and I… we don't match together. He's much older, he's my teacher, he raised me… I'm nothing but a child in his eyes." Desperately, I tried him to see reason but he didn't stop.

"Your feelings are right! I won't argue about this or change my mind, Arya." Draco said in a tone that indicated that this discussion was over. He stood up, giving me a hand to stand up. Smiling, he kept my hand a little longer in his and looked me deep in the eyes. "Trust me."

I groaned and he pushed me gently in direction of the way that lead back up to the castle. I only wished I could believe what he'd told me…

As I arrived at the castle I went directly to the common room where I found my friends learning.

"Arya, there you are. I wanted to ask you-… What happened?" Hermione stood up with a worried expression as she noticed my red, puffy eyes.

I tried to hide it by lowering my head but it was too late. "It's nothing. I'm not feeling so good. See you later at dinner." I fled into the girl's dormitory before they could say anything.

I wasn't surprised as the door opened a few moments later. Hermione entered, sitting next to me on the bed. "What happened, Arya?"

I felt so tired and weak, as if I had shed every tear during the short time I was back in Hogwarts. My voice sounded raspy and broken as I explained her everything.

"Remember when I told you that I had dreams about a guy I'm kissing?" Hermione nodded. "They're the reason I started to become so absentminded. And today I realized that I love him… that he's my fairy-love."

Hermione watched me carefully with a quizzical expression. "Isn't that good?"

I bit my lip, shaking my head desperately. "He'll never love me, Hermione. We'll never be together."

My voice broke and a single tear made its way down my face. Speaking out the truth hurt so much. I couldn't cry anymore so I started shivering. "I have to face him every day, nevertheless, he doesn't see me."

Hermione pulled me in a warm hug, trying to comfort me. "I'm so sorry, Arya… I think I know how you feel, you know…" I understood her.

We stayed like this until it was time for dinner. I felt better after spending some time with somebody who seemed to feel the same pain. Along with Ron and Harry we made our way to the great hall.

"You okay?" Harry asked quietly and I nodded smiling reassuringly.

"Yeah, don't worry."

Just as we had sat down Karkaroff entered with his students following him.

"Where's Derek?" Ron asked looking around quizzical. Since Derek had arrived, Ron hadn't missed a single opportunity to pester him about Krum.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Maybe he decided that he needs a break from your questions."

Ron glared as I smirked. Then suddenly, his gaze was fixed at something behind me. His expression turned to one of anger. "Look at this, Arya!"

Confused, I turned around. I didn't understand what was bothering him so much until I realized that my friends didn't know that Derek, Draco and Blaise were best friends. And right now, Derek had sat down with Draco and Blaise at the Slytherin table. The three were doubling over with laughter…

Awkwardly, I turned around again, trying to act as if nothing had happened I filled my plate. I felt three persons looks on me.

"Aren't you angry that he's befriending Malfoy?" Harry asked with furrowed eyebrows and glared in his direction.

Annoyed, I put my plate noisily back on the table. "No, I'm not. Actually, I don't tell him what he has to do. Derek can do whatever he wants."

"But he's befriending Malfoy! The worst Slytherin in this school." Ron explained furiously but I only shrugged my shoulders.

"For Merlin's sake, Ron. I don't care who he's talking to. He takes care of himself."

"But-"

Annoyed, I interrupted him, my patience vanished all the sudden. "Stop it! Derek's a good guy and he knows what he's doing. I wouldn't befriend anyone who's believing the crap Slytherin said. I trust Derek with my life."

Ron and I exchanged angry looks. "Fine but then I don't want him sitting with us again."

That was enough! "Oh, you know what, I'm not hungry anymore." I snapped and stood up. If he was acting so childish I wouldn't stay any longer.

I had just passed a corner when a firm grip on my arm made me flinch. The person dragged me through a door, closing it with a loud noise. As I came to a halt I whirled around, my wand in my hand.

"Severus?" Confused, I lowered my hand and tried to see through the dim light. Severus was facing me with a grim expression.

Sighting, he took a step closer so that I could see his face properly. "I wanted to talk to you."

Annoyed, I put my wand back in the pocket and shook my head with raised eyebrows. "That's why you have to drag me in an empty classroom?"

"Hm… yes." It had been a while that I had last seen him so uncomfortable and nervous. I couldn't stop myself from giggling, making him glare.

I walked a few steps towards the middle of the room. Hogwarts had so many rooms that weren't used. I had never realized before. Plenty of possibilities to make out. The thought came into my mind before I could stop it. How am I supposed to go on with my life here?

Sighting, I crossed my arms and turned in Severus' direction. "So… what do you want to talk about?"

As I looked at him our situation on the astronomy tower popped into my head. Severus looked tired and as if he wasn't doing well. The dark circles under his eyes were clearly visible against his pale skin. Obviously, I wasn't the only one having troubles…

"Are we doing this forever? Fighting, ignoring each other and pretending to get along again until the next fight is on?" The lack of any noticeable emotions in his voice took me by surprise. It reminded me of the day he'd left me with Dumbledore as a child. Back then he had whipped out every emotion so that I'd buy it.

I bore my fingers deeply into my forearm to distract my emotions a little. I felt unsure of how to react so I decided to answer with a question. "Are you already having enough?"

I seemed to have struck a nerve seeing as Severus became angry. "Yes, I'm having enough of this. I have enough of you pushing me away and not telling me what's bothering you. I want to help you but you don't let me."

He had come closer and stood now right in front of me so that I had to raise my head a little to hold his gaze. I looked in his dark eyes and felt suddenly carefree and lost. My heart beat faster whilst I did nothing except staring at his dark eyes. I didn't understand how he couldn't notice the tension between us. I felt it as good as I felt my heart beating in my chest.

"Arya?" Severus had furrowed his eyebrows in annoyance.

I blinked, snapping me out of my trance and the tension had vanished. Reality struck me and with it came back my uncomfortableness. "Sorry. I didn't mean to push you away." Automatically, I said what I thought he wanted me to say.

Severus sighted again. I had taken a step back to bring some space between us. I couldn't bare standing close to him. It hurt too much…

"Why are you so complicated?" He seemed to ask himself so I didn't answer. I didn't know what to answer anyway.

Suddenly, he smiled warmly, making my stomach prickle. A warm wave rushed through my whole body and I sighted. "Can we stop this, please? It's annoying. Can we just agree that we both have secrets and that we'll tell each other if something's wrong?"

I took a moment to think about it. It sounded fair and I really missed spending time with Severus even if I didn't know yet if that would be good or only hurt more.

"Sounds good." I replied quietly making his smile grow bigger. Not able to ignore his happiness I smiled too.

"Come here." He pulled me in the safe embrace I had missed so much. I buried my head in his robes, inhaling the scent of Potions and… Severus.

"What happened in the great hall by the way?" Severus asked as he had pulled away watching me with a quizzical expression.

Exhaling loudly, I turned my eyes. "Ron doesn't like the fact that Derek's spending time with Draco and Blaise. He hates that I'm not saying anything."

Severus crossed his arms sternly. "It's nothing of his concern. He should trust you in that matter. After all you know Derek better than he does."

I chuckled and he raised his eyebrow in a quizzical manner.

"I missed you." I told him seriously, my heart beating rapidly in my chest. Damn feelings!

"I hope we'll spend more time together now. But I think you should go back to your common room. It's getting late and I don't want you wandering around the castle." I hadn't expected him being that direct but I shrugged it off. He just wanted me to be safe, nothing else.

With a last smile, he opened the door for me and I left towards Gryffindor tower with a wide grin plastered on my face.