40

40. In the afternoon

Later this afternoon I slowly made my way down to the dungeons. A small smile was plastered on my lips. I had spent an amazing day with all my friends. We have had a change of plan seeing as I had met up with Derek, Blaise and Draco before lunch. Until a few minutes ago I had been in Gryffindor tower with my best friends.

To my dismay there were quite a lot of Slytherins walking around now. Apparently, as there had been the yule ball certainly every student from fourth year up stayed over Christmas holidays. So, after a lot of hiding and waiting I finally arrived at wished place: Severus' office. Taking one last deep breath I knocked gently on the door.

The door opened by itself and revealed an empty office. Surprised, I entered and closed the door. I was sure I had felt him inside… Before I could call out for him Severus stepped through the door from his private chambers… where I had left from this morning. The moment he realised it was me his scowling expression turned soft and his body relaxed a little. Nevertheless, he didn't look any less elegant and prideful. Oh, how I'm utterly in love with his whole being and behaviour. For nothing in the world, I would want him to change! Not for me, not for anyone else. Never! I returned a warm smile and took a step closer.

"Back already?" He asked with one raised eyebrow. I tilted my head a little confused and felt suddenly shy and timid. My smile faltered and by the smirk on his lips I guessed that he was able to see right through me.

"Uhm… yes. Is that a problem?" I asked with a cracking voice. Now a small chuckle erupted his beautiful lips making me blush. Damn, this man! He could do things to me no-one else was capable doing just by looking at me.

He closed the gap between us and encircled me with his long arms. Sighting, I lay my head on his chest and he rested his cheek on top of it. Inhaling his scent deeply, I felt every awkwardness and shyness wash away in the blink of an eye.

"Not at all, Arya. I just didn't think you would show up here before dinner. Well, you know… With the encounter in the great hall…" My head snapped up and collided roughly with his jaw. I rested my hands on his chest as his arms were still firmly around my back refraining me from making a step back. Glaring down, Severus rubbed his jaw with one hand.

"Now, this wasn't necessary, was it?" He growled. I returned a sheepish grin and shrugged my shoulders.

"Sorry about that." Seeing my chance to free myself from his hold I wriggled my body out of his arm.

Just as I had turned away successfully my lips turned into a smug grin. It did not last long however as two strong arms encircled me from behind and pulled me tightly against his chest. The warmth of his body pressed against my back felt incredibly good. I shivered as I felt Severus' breath next to my ear.

"Where do you think you are going?" He asked quietly with his velvet voice.

Butterflies erupted wildly in my stomach as his breath caressed my ear and neck at the same time. His arms tightened on my stomach – pressing my back even closer against him – as I inhaled sharply.

"So?" Goose bumps crept up upon my skin. Shaking, I took shallow breaths. Why did I want to get out of his arms again? I don't remember. My brain had turned itself off. I closed my eyes in embarrassment and… comfort.

"Well… uhm…" My voice cracked. Well done! That was very smart.

Severus' laugher filled the office and vibrated through my body like an earth quake. In a heartbeat my brain worked again and I whirled around in his arms, glaring really annoyed now. What could I say? I did have a Slytherin part in me which wasn't shrugging embarrassment off lightly.

"Oh, bloody hell, Severus." I growled darkly.

But the perfect self-controlled man he was he managed quite easily to stop laughing and put on a – even more annoying and provoking – smug smirk. His eyes were sparkling with amusement and I knew on the inside he was still laughing. I crossed my arms and clenched my jaw tightly. I tried to glare him down like he did every day with his students. But who am I kidding? He's the master of intimidating glares…

"So, I guess you saw everything afterwards…" Severus' smirk only grew wider making my glare intensify even more. "… Yes, Draco and Blaise got me way to easily into their trap… And yes, it was the most embarrassing situation in my entire life! Now stop laughing and grinning. It wasn't even my fault. Not the slightest."

By the end of my short confession I had averted my eyes blushing furiously. Groaning, I turned away and glided a hand frustrated through my hazel brown hair. After a while and several deep breaths later, I felt the burning sensation cool down in my cheeks. Feeling slightly awkward, I glanced through my eyelashes, keeping my head low. Severus was leaning against his desk, arms – and to my surprise legs as well crossed gracefully. He had his head tilted a little and was watching me closely with an amused expression. His lips turned into a gentle and warm smile. We locked eyes and along with his forming smirk I started chuckling.

"Honestly Severus, it wasn't funny at all in the moment." I laughed openly now.

Severus chuckled and pushed himself off his desk. I took a few steps closer and rested my hands on his chest. Playing with the buttons of his cloak, I was still chuckling slightly to myself. Severus raised an eyebrow casting me a questioning look.

"You are not going to flee from my arms again, aren't you?"

I shook my head. "Only if you behave." Trying to suppress a smirk I bit my bottom lip. Sighting, Severus pulled me closer with one hand placed on my lower back. He looked down at me with furrowed eyebrows and a dark gaze.

"Don't do this. You'll hurt your lip seriously one day if it becomes a habit." With his thumb he freed my lip from my gentle bite. His fingers traced my face and stopped on my chin. His dark eyes bore deeply into my blue ones, making me incapable of looking away. "And I happen to like your lips uninjured."

A blush crept on my cheeks and I smiled nervously. "You do?"

Now Severus let his hand wander to cup my cheek, his thumb caressing gently my skin. Where it touched it left a burning sensation. His dark orbs came closer and closer. Our noses were touching lightly before I felt his soft lips on mine. A shiver run down my whole body when Severus started kissing me gently. I brought up my hands to his neck and grabbed a fistful of his hair pulling him closer to me. His tongue caressed my lips and I deepened our kiss by granting it entrance. I let out a small gasp as Severus hand wandered into my hair and pulled a little. I felt his smirk against my lips so I stood on my tiptoes to hold him tighter, preventing him from pulling back. Severus' hand loosened its grip on my hair and wandered back to hold my neck. As I started feeling out of breath I pulled back, not before giving him another light peck on his now swollen lips. Severus rested his forehead against mine and we both breathed louder than normally.

"I do." His hoarse voice was enough to erupt another shiver to flash through my body. I chuckled and raised my head to look him in the eyes. Severus placed one last kiss on my forehead. When he pulled back the smirk was back on his lips. His hands found their way on my back and held me close. "Very much indeed."

Grinning, I shook my head and placed my hands on his chest. Severus suddenly pulled back and took my small hands in his. He led me behind the table and lifted me up to sit on his desk. Then he took a seat, his knees almost touching my dangling feet. Now I didn't know what to do as he watched me closely with his hands folded neatly in his lap. He was still smirking and I couldn't help the happy chuckle that erupted my mouth. It felt so strange and right at the same time. Only yesterday, I had been desperate about my love for the man sitting in front of me and now we were flirting and kissing in his office.

"So, what do you expect to get for Christmas tomorrow?" Severus interrupted my thoughts watching me intensely. Of course, one of his eyebrows was raised questioning. I thought about it as I had not once thought about it before. I had only cared about buying gifts and not what I could possibly wish for.

I smiled shyly in his direction scared of his possible reaction. "Well, honestly I didn't think about it. But I always had a wish in mind which I didn't dare speaking out loudly to anyone. Not even to you. It always seemed impossible."

Severus' lips formed a small smile and his eyes sparkled with curiosity. He tilted his head as he waited for me to go on. I grinned wildly and returned his asking gaze.

"You."

Surprise, joy and realization flickered visibly over his face. However, his expression became distant and peaceful all the sudden. Nevertheless, I didn't feel nervous or afraid. On the contrary, I felt incredibly relieved to have spoken it out to him. Or aloud at that matter for the first time ever.

In my overwhelming feeling of happiness and comfortable warmth I let my gaze wander over every single part of him. His face looked relaxed and calm. The only movement was the blinking of his eyes now and then. Those beautiful almost black eyes making me get lost so easily. They were fixed on me but I didn't think he was really watching me. Severus seemed deeply lost in thoughts. I noticed his cheeks holding a bit more colour than normally making me smile loving. His pink lips were still a little swollen and looked incredibly inviting. The corner of his lips were tilted upwards into a small genuine smile. The raven black hair framed his face perfectly making his beautiful face stand out even more.

As my eyes travelled down, I realized that for once he had left the four top buttons open revealing the collar of his white chemise under it. Now, this was new to me. Severus had always used his formal and impersonal clothes to hide any possibly visible information about liking and emotions. After a lot of questions and slowly pushing him to get an answer for the past three years I had found out that his clothes had helped him to deeply burry all his emotions and build an untouchable mask. Whilst he had raised me I had known him wearing clothes with a personal touch. Like a perfectly normal pair of trousers with a shirt or chemise. Whenever he had felt the need to he would roll up the sleeves. In winter he had worn a simple black coat with a scarf. I had known him back then wearing clothes like any other wizard did. But he had pulled the dark attire out once again as he had started teaching in Hogwarts after leaving me. He had used those robes back then when he had first joined my father. Along with his cold and impersonal demeanour. And now he didn't want to put it all aside because he knew that my father would return one day. He would return and Severus would have to face him again seeing as he bore the dark mark. Last year, I had tried to make him promise to stay out of it as long as he could but every time he would change the subject or find any other way to distract me.

My gaze wandered to his elegantly folded hands. Those slim and skilled hands were incredibly good with everything. Severus was a well-known potions master in Great Britain, one of the best I had read somewhere. And he was very good in the kitchen, preparing every dish with enviably deceptive ease and great passion. I had always loved watching him cooking! But it was nothing compared to him brewing a potion. While he was moving around relaxed and carefree in his kitchen he was filled with so much passion, working admirably concentrated and precise whilst brewing a potion. Even if he was under pressure he worked extremely calm and seemed as if not even a troll could distract him. I had always admired his incredible self-control during work… even if it was annoying sometimes.

Severus' cloak covered half of his thighs but nevertheless one could make out the long and slim legs. He had his feet crossed. Even in this relaxed position it did not diminish his elegance in the slightest. Severus Snape was undoubtedly an impressive person –if he was not scowling, glaring or throwing insults at one of his students. His whole demeanour seemed as if he came from another world, as if he really had been a prince in the past. I knew it had only been his mother's last name, nevertheless I couldn't stop thinking sometimes about the reason for his almost aristocratic bearing. It made him different from everybody else. Not that I minded though. It was Severus' natural being and I loved him even more for being the gentleman, caring and passionate person. It made him the most beautiful man I had ever seen. I knew if others would ever get to know the Severus I knew some women would definitely describe him as handsome and alluring… Lately, I had been incredibly glad however that I was the only women who got the luck to see him like this. Call me selfish but I just love him too much.

As my eyes travelled slowly back up to Severus' face I tried to take in every detail about him. I never wanted to forget the smallest thing about him. As I looked back at his eyes I noticed that he was watching me intensely now. His piercing gaze never left my eyes and seemed to bore itself deeply into my soul. To my own surprise, I did not feel uncomfortable. It felt right. It felt as if he was the only – the right person to look at me like he did now. I did not move or said anything. I only watched his mysterious beautiful dark eyes which seemed closed up to me but at the same time they were seeing right through me.

Suddenly, Severus broke the gaze and looked down at his hands, a small genuine smile growing on his lips. Half out of amazement and half out of curiosity I smiled as well. I did not want to break the comfortable silence so I continued watching his face. The shadow of his hair caressing his cheeks made his face only look softer and gentler. Once again, he seemed lost in thoughts smiling to himself.

After a while, he looked up again. As our eyes locked I felt a heatwave rush through my whole body making my heart pound faster. A tingling sensation in my stomach made it hard to think rationally. Severus leaned forward and rested his elbows next to my knees on the desk, his fingers crossed. He was watching me deeply with a beautiful smile still lingering on his lips. I raised my hands and placed one gently on his. With my other hand, I traced slowly his skin from the end of his sleeve to his wrist and over the back of his hand. Then I took both his hands in mine and squeezed them gently. Enwrapping one of my hands with his it was his turn to caress my skin letting his fingers wander over my hand to my wrist and down my bare arm. The touch was soft and slow, giving me goose bumps all over my arm. His thumb still caressing my skin Severus raised my other hand and brought it to his lips. This gesture and his gaze were enough to make my heart beat stronger. It felt as if my heartbeat was visible from the outside.

"I love you." Severus watched me intensely and with such vulnerability it made me shiver. It was rare for him to open completely and I knew how much trust he needed into a person to allow himself to lower every guard to the bottom of his being. I knew Dumbledore was the only other person who he trusted with his life. Such moments felt more intimate than anything else he did or said. Except for those three words. They were another way of showing how much he trusted me. In fact, I was the only person he admitted his feelings to. And I felt honoured every time I realized it once again even if I could never forget about it.

I interlaced our fingers while I raised my other hand. Slowly, I caressed his face from his forehead over his temple to his cheek. I cupped it and he closed his eyes for a short moment before locking eyes again with an almost desperate look.

"I love you too, Severus." My voice was not more than a whisper but I knew he had heard me anyway. None of us was able to move. Both of us were fixed by our gaze holding so much emotions between us.

"Always." Severus' velvet voice cracked. He placed his hand over mine and held it firmly on his cheek. I raised my free hand to cup his face completely.

"Always and forever." I whispered back and leaned forward. With my eyes closed, I placed a long loving kiss on his forehead. I heard him sighting deeply and as I pulled back I saw that he had closed his eyes as well.

So, I leaned my forehead against his and enjoyed the loving and deep running tension which was about so much more than just being in love with each other. We knew each other better than anyone else did. We may be at the beginning of our relationship but we had long passed the state of getting to know each other.

Finally, Severus leaned back, his hands still holding mine. I could literally see how he built up his guard again but I did not mind. I knew it was necessary for him. I smiled reassuringly and squeezed his hands once again. As he sighted deeply he let go of my hands and leaned back in his chair. I folded my hands in my lap as they suddenly felt cold without Severus' touch. Staring at me thoughtfully he crossed his arms. Something seemed to bother him, I could see it in his face.

"I need to tell you something, Arya." He finally spoke up. A slight trace of annoyance resonated in his voice and I raised my eyebrows curiously. I had long got accustomed to his sudden mood changes. It was the prize and an inevitable consequence of constantly being on guard and keeping emotions at bay. Nevertheless, I wished that there would come a time in which Severus could be free and himself…

"Albus came by this morning. Not long after you left." His jaw clenched and he averted his gaze.

"Oh." Was all I managed to respond. I had a slight idea where this was going. I felt my whole body tense, preparing myself for the worse. What if he found out and sacked Severus? What if Severus has to face the ministry now? My hands fidgeted nervously in my lap at first, and then reflexively started scratching my stitching forearm.

"Yes." Severus growled, his look turning darker. "He knew you had been in my private chambers tonight. This man is insufferable irritating and nerve-racking!"

I turned my eyes at his insult before I could stop myself. Luckily, Severus had not noticed. I knew he deeply respected Dumbledore but of course he would never admit it to anyone. Therefore, I was used to his rambling about other people who were his friends even if he would sadly never say so.

"So… what did he say? Are you getting problems now because of me?" It felt as if a cold hand was enwrapping my heart and squeezing it tightly. I had difficulties breathing and felt extremely frightened all the sudden. Nervously, I jumped off the table staring down at Severus with worry. I was truly afraid… "Because if you do I'm going to tell him that it was on my own accord. That I came to talk to you and fell asleep or something. I'm not letting him sack you because of me. And before you have to face a trial I would rather like to be expelled. I mean I-"

Severus cut me off by standing up as well, glaring down at me darkly. He shook his head and pinched the bridge of his nose. Then he suddenly dropped his hand and exhaled deeply. He looked tired as he opened his eyes again.

"No, don't worry it wasn't that bad. It's just… He scowled at me and wouldn't stop with his rant." Severus let himself fall untypically clumsy on his chair. With one movement of his hand he mentioned me to sit down as well. So I sat down in his lap and he encircled my waist, folding his hands. I could feel the tension in his whole body. As we locked eyes again he was watching me with a reserved hint. He took a deep breath before speaking again.

"Well, Albus was happy to hear that we… that I finally told you about my feelings and that we sorted things out. However, he was visibly annoyed, not to say he even - by his standards sounded angry… I had to promise him not to let you sleep in my chambers again and that you would never again set foot in my private chambers… And as painful it is for me to admit but he is right. This cannot happen again, Arya. It shouldn't even have happened in the first place. I won't allow that we put ourselves in such risk. It was the first and last time!"

His annoyed voice had ended in a tone which confirmed that he would not change his mind about it anymore. Biting my cheek, I nodded slowly. I felt cold and angry all the sudden and didn't know what to say. Is he seriously regretting tonight? Even if nothing really happened?! I glared gloomy at my fidgeting hands in my lap.

"We will still see each other daily. You can come to my office or classroom anytime but you must understand that I don't have as much flexibility as you have. I'm head of the house and a teacher after all."

Again, I nodded my jaw clenched. Sighting, Severus placed a hand on my chin and made me turn my head. His gaze only strengthened his opinion and it stung in my heart. The lump in my throat made it almost impossible for me to speak loud enough. Nevertheless, I managed somehow.

"I got your point, Severus. And I'm sorry that you had to face him alone. I should have been there too." Annoyed, I tried standing up but Severus refused to let go of my waist. His gaze hardened as his eyes bore deeply into mine.

"Don't do this, Arya. You know as well as I do that it is the right decision."

Angrily, I pushed his hands away, jumped off his lap and took a few steps to get some space between us. But not with Severus Snape. He hated whenever somebody turned their back on him before having finished the conversation - or in our case the argument. Before I had turned back around completely he was already on his feet. With two long strides he was standing one armlength in front of me and piercing me with a very grim gaze.

"Use your brain girl!" He spat aggressively, making my blood boil in my veins. It felt as if he had just slapped me right in the face. "This is my final decision!" My glare turned cold and suddenly my body felt calm. Like the calm before a storm…

"How. Dare. You?!" I said quietly through gritted teeth. "You do not speak to me as if I was one of your students, Severus! You have absolutely no right to talk to me like that!"

"Then stop acting like a child!"

"Stop acting like a child?!" Feeling incredibly outraged I took another step back and watched him with furrowed eyebrows. "Then why can't you say openly that you regret inviting me to your private chambers or letting me sleep in your bed? Instead of just mentioning it incidentally as if it wasn't important at all!"

In a heartbeat, Severus' anger vanished as surprise and realization flickered over his face. He watched me with wide eyes. This made me only angrier and I decided to give it a rest. It was time for dinner soon anyway. I turned around to leave.

"You know what?! Never mind."

I was fuming as I reached for the door knob. I felt already the prickle in my eyes, I knew I would start crying if I had to look at Severus any longer. Just as I had opened the door a crack however, it banged shut again making me jump. Severus kept his hand placed on the door and looked down at me with a pained expression.

"What?!" I snapped, keeping my gaze fixed on the door knob in front of me.

"Arya, I'm sorry! I didn't mean it like that!" Severus removed my firm grip on the knob and turned me to face him. I clenched my jaw and shot him a glare. Sighting, he cupped my face and his gaze turned soft.

"How could I ever possibly regret the best evening, night and morning of my life?! I don't and never will! I want to keep you safe but yesterday I was selfish. And I could never forgive myself if you ever got hurt because of my egoism. We cannot become imprudent, Arya. No one can know about us!"

With every word my anger faded more and more until there was nothing left except a huge wave of guilt crushing down on me.

"I'm sorry." I managed to say silently, my voice almost cracking. Severus pulled me to his chest and enwrapped me in a warm hug. I buried my face in his chest and placed my hands around his torso. I felt Severus placing a kiss on my head and burying his face in my hair.

"You have nothing to apologize for... I never meant to hurt you."

I raised my head and locked eyes. Severus tried to hide it but I could see pain and guilt in his eyes. I placed my arms around his neck and stood on my tiptoes looking deeply into his dark orbs. I placed a gentle kiss on his lips and felt him relax under my touch.

"I know." Severus lowered his head and leaned his forehead against mine. I couldn't help the smile forming on my lips as I closed my eyes. I loved inhaling his scent, making me only smile wider. Slowly, I placed another kiss between his eyes making them open wide. I chuckled at his raised eyebrow, obviously questioning my doing. As I pulled back, I happily noticed a small smile playing around his lips.

"We should probably go to dinner now." I said, burying my face once again in his chest. I heard and felt Severus disapproving growl in his chest.

"I'm afraid we have no choice." I chuckled and pulled back facing a smirking Severus. "Go, I'll come in a moment." He placed one last kiss on my forehead. With his thumb he caressed my cheek before stepping back, releasing me.

Casting one last glance at Severus' retreating back I left his office and made my way towards the great hall for dinner.