41

41. Old lies

"Come on Arya, you need to tell them!" Hermione whispered excited. She wasn't really catching on the fact that whispering usually meant not speaking so loudly. Instead she was fidgeting nervously, sitting on the couch next to me in front of the fire place in the Gryffindor common room.

"Need to tell us what exactly?" Harry asked absentminded. He and Ron were currently playing wizarding chess and Harry was losing pitiful.

I scowled at Hermione over the new potions book Severus had gotten me for Christmas. It was about more advanced healing potions every auror had in store for emergencies. The last hour, I had plunged into the strangest of potions I had never even heard of, sitting comfortingly on the couch with my legs pulled closely to my chest. Until Hermione decided it was, once again, the perfect time to tell the truth to Harry and Ron.

Hermione was obviously completely blind to my sudden discomfort. Instead, she nudged me in the side and nodded encouraging. Annoyed, I rolled my eyes and went back to my reading. Suddenly, an idea popped into my head and I sneered to myself.

"Hermione wants me to tell you that I've actually gotten more 'Outstanding' in Potions than she has. Meaning, I'm better at Potions."

Out of the corner of my eyes I saw a quick movement and jerked as a book collided roughly with my shin. "Ouch, Hermione! What was that for?"

She didn't even look at me. "You know damn well."

"I'm actually better in Potions. Our Professor could confirm it…" I mumbled to myself but obviously I had not spoken quiet enough. Another painful hit on my shin.

"Anyway, that was not what Arya wanted to tell you." Hermione ignored my horrified expression and waited until Ron had finally checkmated a gloomy looking Harry.

To my surprise, I then found myself face to face with two staring boys. Green eyes were watching me curiously while brown eyes were sparkling with proud. Again, I glared at Hermione and again she ignored it and smiled to herself. I snapped my book shut and exhaled loudly. How was I supposed to say this? They were boys after all and sometimes not acting like the brightest too…

"Well… euhm…" I started everything but smoothly and self-confident. Hermione sighed impatiently. I cast her another glare, the boys were still just watching me. "Alright, euhm… I've got a boyfriend..."

There was a long pause. Hermione's beaming gaze was wandering from me to Harry, Ron and back. Harry blinked, visibly speechless and Ron furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"A boyfriend?" He asked dumbly and I rolled my eyes at him.

"Yes, a boyfriend. You see, as in having a relationship." I added unnecessarily.

"Brilliant." Harry replied with a grin. His voice however, said that he didn't know what to do with my information. "Who is it?" He asked curiously.

I kept our eyes locked and stared at him, my brain suddenly blank. "I cannot tell you." Harry nodded shortly, obviously having expected my answer.

I snapped out of my trance like state soon enough. "You asked me to simply tell you if I couldn't tell you something. And it is for his safety that no one can know, Harry. You see it's not like any relationship. Fairies can only fall in love with the person who is sort of their soulmate. Well, and apparently he does love me too so…" I ended smiling slightly.

"I think I get it." Harry said after a while and returned my smile.

And that was it already. Ron suddenly asked for another chess game and soon enough both of them were deeply concentrated on their match. I glanced over to Hermione and both of us rolled our eyes at them. Boys… Nevertheless, I felt extremely relieved even if it hadn't been my idea in the first place to tell them so soon.

The new year started and soon also our new term. Ron and Hermione had somehow quietly agreed to not speak about Viktor Krum. It made things a lot easier for Harry and me. But sometimes I got also a little annoyed by Harry and his sulking concerning Cho Chang. Who was I to judge him for his feelings? Hadn't I been the same with Severus? But it was incredibly nerve-wracking to see my friends unhappiness and not being able to help. Hermione liked Ron and Ron liked her, Ginny liked Harry, Harry liked Cho, Cho liked Cedric and Derek liked Cedric…

Besides sulking about Cho, Harry had started working on the the champion's egg now and then. Cedric had obviously given him a hint but it had taken another few weeks for him to shelve his pride and see if it was worth something. The morning after he had taken the egg to the prefect's bathroom, he was excitedly waiting for an opportunity to tell us about his night stroll adventure.

"Snape was furious about someone breaking into his office last night. I saw it on the map and the intruder was Bartemius Crouch. But when Moody showed up he suddenly wanted to keep quiet about it. Apparently, Moody has searched Snape's office at the beginning of this year and Snape wasn't approving to it at all. Snape clearly hates Moody. By the way, he said Dumbledore only lets Snape stay here because he's giving him a second chance. What do you think Snape did with his first chance?"

Currently, we were sitting in the last row in Charms and had a perfect possibility to speak without anyone listening in or noticing seeing as everybody was having too much fun. And to my utter annoyance, my arm was once again tortured by sudden waves of burning pain. Hermione had wanted me to go and see Madame Pomfrey about it but I had refused. How stupid would I seem if I claimed that my arm was hurting now and then? Safe way to make her think I was being paranoid or worse - a hypochondriac… And Severus, well I didn't know what he would do only that I didn't want to tell him.

"Maybe Moody thinks Snape put your name into the goblet, Harry." Ron said with widening eyes.

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "I don't care what Moody says. I mean Dumbledore's not stupid. He was right to trust Hagrid and Professor Lupin. And just to remind you, Ron, Professor Snape did save our lives. Dumbledore trusted all of them even though no one else did and he was right. So why shouldn't he be right with Snape? And I trust him too by the way… ten times more than I could ever possibly trust Moody." I added the last part growling under my breath.

"Yes, but Moody has never done anything bad. Snape however was a Death Eater once and probably still is. He's evil!" Ron argued further.

Deciding to ignore his emotion clouded judgement, I turned back to my own thinking. I was trying to find a reason for Moody to help Harry the way he did. I certainly was glad for my best friend not getting in troubles but still, it was suspicious. Why the hell did he keep the Marauder's Map? What could he possibly want with it? And why was Bartemius Crouch in Severus' office at one in the morning? Sadly, I couldn't ask Severus if something had been stolen or he would easily put two and two together…

The next day, I decided to pay Severus a visit in the afternoon. I was extremely tired today. Until late in the night I had been racking my brain to find a solution and when I had finally managed to fall asleep I had been dreaming again…

I found Severus sitting at his desk in the Potions classroom. He was starring at a book with furrowed eyebrows and thin lips. As he realized it was me who had entered, he leaned back in his chair sighing and pinched the bridge of his nose.

"Something wrong, Severus?" I looked at him worried and leaned against his desk. I sensed the unusual feeling of insecurity around him but also hidden anger. Absentminded, I rubbed my left forearm as a prickling feeling rushed through it. My heart pounded faster as fear and worry clouded my brain.

Severus stared at me for a long time. His expression was stern and his eyes unreadable. Now that was a bad sign. It usually meant something very serious was troubling him. Slowly, I stepped closer to his chair and intended to take one of his hands in mine. Severus, watching every move, did not let me however. Instead, he stood up and engulfed me in a lose hug. Confused, I laid my head against his chest and put my arms around his torso. Severus rested his cheek on top of my head and I heard him inhaling deeply.

Suddenly, he let go of me again and pushed me back by my shoulders. A sudden sharp sting in my heart made it difficult to breath for a moment. As I looked up, he wasn't looking at me but at the book on his desk. No, he wasn't just looking at it – he was glaring at it, his expression thoughtful. As his gaze finally wandered down to me, his eyes were distant and cold. His lips were pressed in a thin line again. His demeanour had become the usual emotionless mask, making my heart beat faster in my chest.

"Severus, what is going on?" I pleaded quietly. I did not dare stepping closer again. His action had told me that he did not want me close right now and so did his composure as well.

Distancing himself even more by taking a step back he crossed his arms tightly and observed me with his piercing look. Then, when I thought I couldn't handle his cool behaviour anymore, he finally started speaking in a calm and emotionless voice.

"Arya did you and your friends stole ingredients for a Polyjuice potion from my store?"

Heat rushed through my whole body, immediately followed by coldness. Ashamed, I bit my lip and averted my gaze. Stealing from his store in second year was by far the worst thing I had ever done in my whole life.

"What for?" Severus snapped sharply, making me wince. His body became stiff with repressed, but visibly growing irritation in his eyes. I needed a few breaths and gulps to be able to answer.

"Harry, Hermione and Ron were thinking Draco was the heir of Slytherin and wanted to know if their guess was right." I forced myself to look up in his face. Severus' eye twitched slightly as I noticed a hint of confusion in his sparkling eyes.

"The heir of Slytherin? But you found out about-" His eyes turned to slits. Realization dawning on him the same second. Dryly, he asked loud enough for me to hear: "You mean you stole it two years ago?"

Speechless, I nodded. My brain was way too clouded with shame and fear to wonder about his strange questions. A very uncomfortable silence followed. I averted my gaze from his eyes and looked at the buttons on his cloak. Even if I would have wanted to, I would not have been able to move my body. Alternating, freezing coldness and burning heat rushed through every single muscle. Nevertheless, I felt Severus' piercing gaze shooting daggers at me.

"What about this year?" The mistakenly calm voice cut through the silence like a sharp knife.

"This year?" I asked confused. Severus' look turned even colder if possible. He straightened up even more, his whole body tensed, the grip on his arms tightened. My heart clenched tightly at his rapidly changing expression.

"Twice… Ingredients for a Polyjuice potion have been stolen twice this year. Last time was two nights ago... So, did you or did you not steal from me?" He spat with great disdain.

I fidgeted with my hands and tried to process what he had just said. Somebody was brewing Polyjuice potion in secret… Annoyed, Severus unfolded his arms and roughly pushed the open book in my direction so that I could read it. He placed one finger on it and his raging eyes bore deeply into mine, his lips were curled with anger now. Severus rarely ever raised his voice. He had learned a long time ago that the opposite was way more effective. But right now, I whished nothing more than for him to scream at me or throw insults at my head. His suppressed rage infiltrated my heart agonizingly slow, leaving a throbbing and excruciating pain.

Oblivious to my inner state, Severus continued hissing dangerously slow. "As you see, I keep a register with every single ingredient there is in my store. Lacewing flies and boomslang skin are missing. Did. You. Steal. It?"

"No!" I exclaimed louder in defence. Anger bubbled inside my body. "Why do you think I would steal something from you?"

Not even one heartbeat later, something snapped in Severus' eyes and I saw his current emotions. My heart pounded rapidly in my chest, my body paralyzed in shock. His expression contorted in pure rage now and before I could react he was standing right in front of me, his face awfully close to mine. Fury, disdain and disappointment were dominating his roaring. "Because, apparently, you've stolen from my store once already."

In the blink of an eye, shame and a petrifying coldness rushed through my whole body once again. My shoulders dropped and my head felt so incredibly heavy that I lowered it. "I'm sorry." I cracked out somehow.

Severus sneered repulsively at me before pulling back and snapping his register close aggressively. I could see how he was fighting to get back control over his emotions. Failing miserably, he clenched his jaw and glared furiously at me. I sensed his anger and disappointment washing over me like pouring rain. My trembling hand pressed itself tightly on my left forearm to keep it from shaking in pain. It couldn't distract me from my emotional torture though. I felt so incredibly stupid and small right now. It took me all I had not to start crying in front of him. I would not cry like the stupid, little child I obviously was in his eyes right now.

"When?" He hissed snidely, making my heart sting even more. "Did you sneak around behind my back or did you lie to my face?" I gulped and clenched my jaw a few times. It hurt so much to return his gaze but nevertheless I tried to keep our eyes locked.

"It was the bet." I spoke up quietly. Severus stood still, piercing me with the angriest and most burning look possible. "The bet about the Quidditch match Slytherin against Gryffindor. You allowed me access to your store."

There was a long pause in which his intense gaze bore into my eyes. I saw him furrow his eyebrows deeper as he tried to remember. His look clouded with darkness. "You gave me your word not to brew something dangerous… And yet your friend Granger spent two months in the hospital wing."

I winced as he straightened up again and crossed his arms firmly. "I'm sorry about everything."

Severus sneered ugly and his eyes twinkled dangerously as he lowered his head to mine. The ice cold low hiss reached my heart painfully in less than a second. "You. Lied. To. Me! You didn't even have the courage to tell me the truth when the damage was already done."

I averted my gaze and looked down on my shoes. I bore my fingernails deeply into the palm of my hands to keep myself from crying or pleading for forgiveness. I had no right to do either. I had disappointed and hurt him…

"You weren't there when they were accusing Draco. They were saying the most awful things about him, Severus. I agreed to it because it was the only way to make them see reason." I pleaded softly, locking our eyes again. His expression turned stone cold and was quickly whipped of every emotion that would show a hint of affection. Never had he looked at me like that… as if I was nothing but a meaningless object.

In a heartbeat, realization hit my whole body forcefully. In horror, I widened my eyes and fear spread through my whole body. I felt numb all the sudden. My empty gaze was fixed on Severus' face.

"I'm like my father." I whispered shocked to nobody in particular. Coldness spread rapidly in my heart, my arms and my chest.

"What do you mean?" Severus' sharp voice cut through my paralyzed brain.

"I knew the risk… I agreed to it… I was selfish. I wanted them to stop talking badly about Draco so desperately that I put them in danger…" I whispered panicked. "I'm like him. I'm putting others at risk for my comfort. I'm selfish and reckless and-"

Severus cut me off by crashing his lips on mine hard. He moved them unexpectedly gentle for his recent outburst, nevertheless the kiss was aggressive and rough. A gasp of surprise escaped my mouth, then I kissed him back. I felt one hand firmly holding my neck to keep me from pulling away. However, the kiss ended as fast as it had begun. Just as I was about to lay my hands on his chest, he pulled back forcefully.

I watched as his soft, worried glance changed to coldness and annoyance in less than a second. He glared at me again and I expected him to throw me out of his room. If I was him, I certainly wouldn't want to see me now. Self-hatred crushed down on me, making it impossible to think clearly.

"You. Are. Not. Like. Him!" Suddenly, my chin was forced up painfully and I looked into angry black orbs. "You made a great and incredibly stupid mistake, undoubtedly. But you do have a sense for moral somewhere inside that thick head of yours."

A sob escaped my mouth and I closed my eyes, not bearing another second facing his anger. I was already burdened enough with my self-loathing. Severus released my chin and pulled me roughly against his chest. I wanted to give in, I wanted to be comforted, I wanted to be near Severus… But I couldn't. I had no right to. Angrily, I stepped back and turned away. I forced myself not to let any tears fall.

"Aryanna." Severus said irritated. I heard him moving closer and whirled around.

"Don't touch me, Severus. Please." I snapped more aggressively than I had intended to.

Severus sighed frustrated and clenched his jaw. "I want to help you."

With one last glare, I made my way to the closest student's desk and sat down. I leaned my elbows on the table and buried my face in my hands. My hands wandered in my hair, grabbing a fistful of it in each hand and pulled until I felt the throbbing pain.

"You should be violent, scream at me or throw me out of your classroom for what I did. But I certainly don't deserve your help right now. I don't want your help." I spoke muffled into my arms but his growl showed me that he had heard me.

"I would drag you out of my room and shut the door in your face with great pleasure." Severus growled spiteful. "And as much as I enjoy the thought of getting you out of my sight and not having to look at you anymore, I won't throw you out. I would gladly let you deal with your remorse by yourself." He replied coldly.

"Then why can't you just leave me alone now?!" I raised my head and glared darkly in his direction. It took Severus only three long strides to stand on the other side of my desk. Swiftly, he placed his hands on the table and leaned closer to me. He struggled to keep his voice calm, nevertheless I saw the burning anger in his eyes showing his real feelings.

"Because I won't allow you to drown yourself in self-loathing. I know better than anyone else that it won't change anything." Severus drawled with curled lips. A mixture of anger and worry bore deeply into my eyes. His words though cut in my heart like painful, sharp knives, making it only bleed more. "And as soon as you're done with your utterly annoying trait to pity yourself, then – and only then I will make you leave my classroom."

My last inner resistance broke at his words and slowly the first tears started to escape my eyes. Helpless, I looked him in the eyes and tried to make him understand. His expression softened a little. He took a chair and sat, still on the other side of the desk. He knew, I wouldn't tolerate him near me right now. But he didn't know why though…

"I don't know what is happening to me, Severus… I cannot sleep properly. I have so many nightmares and they get only worse. Every time Moody is close, I sense darkness radiating from him. He's evil and not the good everybody sees in him… All of this is just too much! I hate him and I hate that I have to face him every day... I'm afraid, Severus… I'm afraid I might do something bad! I'm afraid I'll do something that will make me become evil like my father because of Moody!"

Severus watched me with an unreadable expression. I felt so broken and vulnerable at the moment like never before. Desperation and helplessness clouded my mind…

"I want to help you." Severus repeated gently. As our eyes locked, I saw nothing but care, love and worry in his eyes. I averted my gaze again. I couldn't look in the eyes of the man I could hurt the most of all people. "No, look at me, Arya... Look at me! …You are not alone! No matter if I'm angry or not, you will always have me by your side. I would never let you do something bad because I know who you really are. You are not bad and you could never be!"

I released my shaking hands from my hair and placed them slowly on the desk. With a tear strained face, I looked at him with nothing but pure desperation. "Promise me." I pleaded. "Promise that you will not ever let me do bad things… I would rather be dead than hurting anyone. Promise that you will do whatever is necessary to hold me back!"

Severus was rigid now. I knew he understood the whole meaning of my plead. Knowing him better than anyone else, I knew he was thinking about what it would mean for him to give me his word. Severus was a man of his word…

"I promise." He replied dryly.

With shaking legs, I stood up. I wanted to walk around the desk but my body said something else. I placed one hand on the wood for support as fresh tears started streaming down my face again, blurring my vision. Pain rushed through my whole body as my arm felt as if somebody cut deeply into my flesh. My legs gave away and I fell on the floor. Emotions overwhelmed me so strongly that I could barely breath. Instead, I was kneeling on the floor and bending over, my mouth open as if I intended to sob but I couldn't. My hands were shaking badly… Desperation… Fear… Sadness…

I don't know how long I had been crying. I couldn't feel anything anymore except repeated waves of pain, fear and desperation. I was imprisoned in my own emotions, torturing me worse than any nightmare… Finally, darkness engulfed me…