46

46. Losing my best friend

Somehow, I managed to keep myself together all the way downstairs. I don't know how I looked like to others, but I felt nothing except the blood in my ears and the pounding heartbeat in my chest. My body felt numb and cold at the same time. Pain and fear paralyzed my brain and body.

Sometime, I stood in front of his office and raised a shaking hand to knock. I stared at the wooden door for a while, but I couldn't say if I waited merely seconds or minutes. I entered automatically when the door opened by itself. Severus came through the door from his private chambers to see who had come on a Saturday afternoon. The second he realized it was me, he relaxed a little and stepped closer.

I was in a trance like state with widely opened eyes. My ears could only hear my own body, my brain was numb and blank. Carelessly, I looked at Severus' face coming closer. I registered him furrowing his eyebrows and the small smile leaving his lips instantly.

"Arya, what happened?" Severus' voice sounded distant and demanding. He came to a halt in front of me, but I stared absentminded at the buttons of his robes. I was unable to move, think or say anything. Soft fingers under my chin forced my head up gently. "Arya?"

With my head lifting, my gazing eyes finally met Severus'. Seeing overwhelming worry in his eyes seemed to snap me out of my state of shock. I blinked several times and then everything came crashing down on me. Instantly, a sob escaped my mouth and my eyes started watering. Before I could realize what was happening, tears streamed freely down my face and Severus held me firmly against his chest. One arm wrapped tightly around my back while the other held my shaking shoulders. I clutched his robes desperately, trying to press myself closer to him. He rested his cheek on top of my head and whispered soothing words. My body shook badly with every new sob, but Severus held me safely in his arms…

Sometime, my sobs diminished and I was merely whimpering into his robes. A few more tears rolled down my tear strained cheeks and were soaked up by Severus' robes. I could finally feel myself again. I felt so incredibly hurt and afraid. My body felt drained of every energy, I had no strength left.

Severus placed a last kiss on top of my head before leading me to a chair in front of his desk. He sat down facing me and raised his wand to dry my tear strained face. Then leaned forward and pushed strains of hair behind my ear so that he could look into my eyes. I wished so much to be in his arms again, to sit in his lap and bury my face in his shoulder. But I knew he would never allow it, not with Karkaroff showing up whenever he felt like it.

"Tell me what happened." Severus demanded sharply and I winced inwardly. I knew he wasn't a patient man, but he was incredibly stubborn and ambitious. Sometimes though, I wished for him to be more patient and sympathetic instead of his rational self – like right now.

Gulping, I watched my hands and bit my bottom lip. Slowly, I dared to raise my gaze until I was looking in confused and worried black eyes. I had difficulties to hold back my tears when a new wave of fear threatened to overwhelm me once again. I hated showing myself so vulnerable but with Severus in the same room it had always been difficult to hold myself together. He brought my emotions to the surface even if I didn't want it to happen.

Severus then leaned back in his chair and crossed his legs, resting his interlaced fingers in his lap. He furrowed his eyebrows and observed me with a calculating expression. I knew the wheels in his head were turning rapidly, trying to find a reason for my miserable state.

"Something happened when… we weren't speaking." My voice cracked, so I gulped repeatedly. The same second, Severus' look darkened a little and his shoulders tensed. "After lunch today, Hermione dragged me to an empty room and I…" New tears threatened to escape my eyes when I became suddenly afraid of Severus' reaction. What if it makes him angry again? Then I'd lose him and Hermione. I'd be alone again and it'd all be my fault…

"…I told her everything about Draco. That I've lived with the Malfoy's and that he's my brother…" Anxiously, I watched when Severus froze completely on his chair for a moment. Then he squinted his eyes and clenched his jaw. With every passing second, my heart seemed to speed up even more. To my surprise and horror, he exhaled deeply and closed his eyes. Either he would be angry when he opened them again or disappointed. I deserve both… I was reckless, stupid and selfish…

Severus opened his eyes again and pierced me with a sullen expression. Painfully slow, he unfolded his long legs and crossed his arms instead.

"Why?" His voice sounded emotionless.

"I gave her my word." I answered sheepishly, feeling intimidated all the sudden. I flinched when Severus stood up swiftly and turned to his desk. I saw him pressing his lips in a thin line and closing his eyes again.

Sighing deeply after a while, he opened them again and blinked a few times. When he turned back around he looked incredibly tired. Carefully, he leaned against his desk and turned his head away from me. I felt very jittery but didn't dare moving - to afraid to incur his rage or disappointment or whatever he was feeling now. Severus finally lifted his head again and watched me, fatigue dominating his features. I was surprised however, when his dry voice simply held a small trace of irritation.

"As obstinate and imprudent you can be at times…" I shifted embarrassed under his boring gaze. "… you never cease to amaze me by your sincerity and caution when you make a pledge."

A small smile played around his lips and I stared at him dumbfounded. I had expected anything, except for a compliment. With one sentence, he had blown away my fear, pain and tension, leaving me completely taken aback.

"So, I suppose you had a good reason to give her your word then, didn't you?" It sounded more like a statement than a question, but I nodded anyway. I shifted on my chair, suddenly feeling less as if I was in the dock.

"In the night of the yule ball, before I went up on the astronomy tower…" Severus raised one eyebrow in surprise. "… Blaise and Draco joined us when we're getting drinks. Most people from our year had left already so I thought it'd be alright. I mean we're standing on the side of the hall, near to a small group of Durmstrang's. We talked and joked around a little, but Hermione told me the next morning that she'd seen us together. She didn't tell anyone though and dropped it… When I left the infirmary, the morning after our fight, I had Defence against the Dark Arts. I came a little late though and the only empty seat was next to Draco. He was worried and wanted to know what had happened, but I ignored him. So, he kept staring and passing notes until I gave him a vague answer. Hermione told me afterwards that she'd seen us again. We had Transfigurations though so she'd no time keep asking me about it. I don't know why Hermione didn't sit with me because she hadn't been mad and had entered right behind me... I lay my head on the desk and suddenly Draco was sitting next to me again. Well, she saw when Draco kept casting glances at me. And then, after class, she wouldn't stop pestering me about classes and the yule ball. So, I told her that I'd tell her the truth when she'd never ever tell anyone about it. She promised, so I gave her my word…"

I bit my lip and averted my gaze. Suddenly, I was back in the great hall and joking around with Derek and Hermione sitting next to me. Why was I so stupid to start the whole joke at all? I've to many secrets and now they start backfiring at me… Coldness filled my whole body and my eyes stitched again. I blinked a few times and fidgeted anxiously.

"You only told her now though." I nodded curtly. "What happened before in the great hall then?"

I gulped and looked at his chair in front of me. "Hermione, Derek and I were at lunch. We joked around – well, mostly Derek and me. We… uhm… I…" I stuttered and blushed furiously in embarrassment. Lowering my head, I continued mumbling. "He annoyed me and I started throwing things at him. But I was just joking…"

"Very mature." Severus commented. "Unfortunately, it sounds like something you'd do though." I dared to cast him a glance. My cheeks heated even more when I saw his sneer. Quickly, I averted my look again and continued in a steadier voice.

"Well… when I threw my mug at him he dodged it again. But Blaise had appeared behind him and caught it before it could hit him. I couldn't stop laughing and he made some very provocative, snide remarks. I guess, Hermione noticed that there was no tension at all between us. Ron and Harry came to join us for lunch then and Harry made a fuss over Blaise's harmless comment. Hermione saw how annoyed I was about it and how I nodded at Blaise to show him that we're good. She made up some excuse and dragged me out of the hall…"

I ended mumbling again but this time not in embarrassment. My eyes prickled again when I remembered how Hermione had left me up there. How angry and betrayed she had been. I jumped up and cast Severus a desperate look.

"She hates me, Severus! She hates Draco! She was already angry when I started but only got more furious when I tried to explain everything. You should've seen how she looked at me before leaving. I've betrayed and hurt her. She told me to leave her alone or she'd hex me… She hates me now!"

New tears rolled down my cheeks, but I was to worn-out to break down again. Suddenly feeling extremely angry with myself, I whirled around and started pacing slowly.

"I never should've told her anything. I never should've acted so recklessly around them. I shouldn't have started talking to him and Blaise again in the first place. I shouldn't have listened to you and your good intentions or else-"

"Arya!" Severus snapped sharply and interrupted my rant. Blankly, I stared at him and he sighed before stepping closer. He squinted his eyes and watched me carefully. "Do you trust her to keep her promise?" He asked shortly and I nodded before I could even think about it.

"But I never should've told her in the first place." I mumbled to myself and crossed my arms stubbornly.

"I don't want to hear what you should've done. You can't change it anyway. Instead, you should think about what you can do now." Severus replied calmly, setting me even more on edge. My desperation returned in the blink of an eye. I looked into his warm eyes and scoffed.

"She hates me now. I just lost my best friend! How the hell can you be so damn cool about this?" I shouted furiously at him. Biting my lip, I averted my gaze when a few tears rolled down my cheeks. "She hates me and she'll never forgive me." I mumbled.

Severus stood right in front of me in an instant and placed his hand under my chin. Reluctantly, I lifted my head and looked at him. But as soon as I saw the warmth and love in his eyes, I pulled away again. I couldn't bare seeing his worry or love. It just reminded me of what I would most certainly never see in Hermione's eyes again. Before Severus could do or say anything, I walked back to my chair and let myself flop down weakly. I leaned my elbows on my thighs and roughly buried my hands in my hair. My thoughts were whirling wildly through my mind.

"Arya." Severus spoke softly and I heard him adjusting the chair in front of me. His knees touched my thighs and he started caressing my arms soothingly.

"You didn't see how she looked at me." I whimpered into my arms. "She thinks I betrayed her, Harry and Ron. She's furious and I hurt her so much. I could see it in her eyes."

"Arya, please look at me." He asked gently but I didn't want to be comforted. Not when I didn't really know what I wanted right now. I didn't want to hurt Severus, but I did because I was here and crying. I had hurt Hermione and now I had lost her. Even with her promise, she would have to tell Harry and Ron eventually why she hated me all the sudden. And then I would lose them too and Draco would be in even greater danger than he already was…

A firm grip on my forearms pulled my hands out of my hair and forced them down. Severus took both my hands in his and squeezed them slightly.

"I can't promise that she'll forgive you. But from how much I know about her after four years, I don't believe that she'd possibly judge you for something that isn't your fault. If she did she'd have turned her back on you the second she learned about your father. You've been her best friend for four years now and she always stood by your side. You need to give her some time, Arya!"

Slowly, I lifted my head and Severus raised one hand to push strains of hair out of my face. I closed my eyes whimpering quietly and leaned into his touch. He let his hand linger on my cheek before pulling back again.

"I told her that Lucius is a Death Eater." I said sadly. "How can she believe I'm on her side when my father is Lord Voldemort and the son of a Death Eater my brother? If she doesn't even believe in me then how could she ever trust Draco… or you?"

I stared at our hands when a sudden wave of anger overwhelmed me again. I took my hands out of his hold and rubbed my face. Then I leaned back in my chair and looked at Severus who was watching me intensely. He furrowed his eyebrows and leaned back as well. We stared at each other for a while. Inwardly, I was fighting against my fear and anger, but anger was starting to take over. I groaned in annoyance and jumped up from my chair. I turned towards the only window in the office and stared into the light. How can she possibly understand and accept all this when she knows nothing about darkness at all? She run away after I told her the truth. How is time supposed to help her understand?

I whirled around to Severus who had stood up as well. He watched me with a pained expression but when we locked eyes they held nothing but love. Frustrated, I run a hand through my hair before dropping it weakly to my side. The longer I looked at Severus the angrier I got and then I couldn't keep quiet any longer. I knew he wasn't the person I was angry with, it wasn't even Hermione. I was angry with myself because I was drowning myself in self-pity. I was angry at my father and my mother, I was angry for people being so annoyingly stubborn and narrow-minded.

"How's time supposed to help her understand? Hermione's a muggle born and doesn't know anything about dark magic at all." I spat furiously. Severus raised one eyebrow and pressed his lips in a thin line. "She's no idea what it's like to grow up without love. She doesn't know how it feels to pretend to be someone you're not, she doesn't know what it's like to be surrounded by the reek of dark magic. And she'll certainly never understand what it's like to constantly fight in her life!"

Severus was suddenly moving and swiftly standing in front of me. Surprised, I glared up at him but he returned a worried look. He placed his hands on my shoulders.

"Stop talking!" Severus demanded sternly. I scoffed and tried to push his arms away but he held my shoulders firmly now. I furrowed my eyebrows and scowled fiercely at him.

"Why? Because she's my best friend? Maybe it'd be better if she wasn't. I'm nothing but danger for her and a horrible friend! I'm lying, sneaking around and – as far as she thinks now, I'm a traitor. She hates Draco and now she hates me. Imagine I tell her about you, do you think she would just smile and wish us the best?"

"Arya. Stop. Now!" Severus growled, making me only angrier. Aggressively, I pushed his arms away and took a step back. When I spoke again, I was yelling furiously.

"Hermione's a bloody perfect Gryffindor, Severus! She doesn't know torture or pain or death. So, tell me how the bloody hell could she possibly ever understand me or my brother? Nothing I'm ever going to say will make her understand any of it!"

I whirled around to leave, rage clouding my mind and crashing my heart at the same time. Strong hands hold me back though. Severus forcefully turned me towards him, his hands gripping my arms tightly. I started cursing and insulting him. Fiercely, I tried to free myself from his firm grip, but his painful hold didn't cease. In fact, the more I moved the more it hurt. Suddenly, there wasn't only the pain where he held me but also the one in my forearm. It burned as if someone would cut deeply into my flesh and I whimpered.

I cried out in frustration and pain, accidentally releasing a spark of magic. I felt it rushing rapidly through my body, unable to stop before it hit Severus where he was touching me. I knew he felt it as a sharp, burning sensation that would continue unless he let go.

The second he released my arms, I fell hard on my knees and the magic ceased. My eyes widened in realization about what I had done. Horrified, I stood up and stared at my shaking hands, I barely registered the throbbing in my left forearm now. Fear paralyzed my whole body. I had to leave… I needed to leave before I hurt him again... Before I continued saying unforgivable things about my best friend…

I had just turned towards the door when Severus' strong arms wrapped around my shoulders. He pressed my back firmly against his chest.

"Please let me go, Severus. Please, I have to go!" I begged whimpering, but he only tightened his grip.

"Arya stop! You need to calm down." Severus spoke into my ear. With all the strength I could muster, I tried to wriggle myself out of his grasp. I pushed against his arms but he held me firmly. "Please calm down, you didn't hurt me. Arya, shhhh, you're safe!"

Tears erupted my eyes when I felt how my body betrayed me. I had no strength left after everything that had happened today.

"Severus please! Let me go! I don't want to hurt you again. Please. Let me go… Let…me… please…" My begging stopped and I could only whimper weakly in his arms.

Severus held me pressed against his chest with his cheek resting against my head. He didn't stop speaking with me until he felt the last tension leaving my body. Then he loosened his hold to turn me around in his arms. I buried my face in his chest and leaned myself heavily against him.

"I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. Please, I'm sorry… Forgive me… Please, Severus… I'm sorry…" I didn't stop mumbling in his chest while he held me in a strong, warm embrace.

"You didn't hurt me, Arya. I promise." Severus said soothingly and placed a long kiss on top of my head. I shivered in his warm arms and started taking deep breaths over and over again. Why do I've to mess everything up every time?

I don't know how long we had been standing there but my brain started working properly again. Suddenly, I understood that my anger had come from my overwhelming fear and pain. I fully realized what I had said before about Hermione… And what I had done to Severus when he had tried to help me…

I felt all nervous and scared again. What'll happen now with my best friend? Is she going to accept Draco or will she hate me from now on? With wide eyes, I lifted my head but didn't dare looking in Severus' eyes. How could I after everything?

"Give her time and she'll understand." Severus said reassuringly. "As far as I know, she's quite smart."

I couldn't suppress the small chuckle and finally locked our eyes. His gaze wandered observingly over my face before his dark eyes bore intensely into mine. I felt the love in his look as much as I saw it in those sparkling black orbs. It was rare that he looked at me like that, without any guards to shield him. My heart and body warmed up when Severus didn't avert his gaze. The intensity of his look gave me goose bumps. My stomach started tingling and I felt nervous all the sudden.

Severus' gaze flickered down to my lips and back to my eyes. Automatically, I did the same but couldn't tear my eyes away from his lips then. Slowly, I started leaning in when he had already crashed his lips on mine. I sighed deeply in to the passionate kiss and Severus started moving his soft lips. One hand wandered roughly into my hair and pulled me closer. I raised my hands to place them around his neck, my fingers playing with the tingling tips of his hair. His tongue traced my lips demandingly, but I kept them closed. Growling deeply – the sound making me shudder in his arms – he pushed me backwards. My back collided roughly with the shelf, but I couldn't care less right now. Severus used my gasp of surprise to slip his tongue into my mouth. One of his hands cupped my cheek while the other held my wrist firmly. Fire erupted under his hands. Passionately, I buried my hands in his hair and grabbed fistfuls of it. My body felt incredibly hot and the tingling in my stomach had turned into an almost unbearable burning sensation. My legs felt weakened all the sudden so I clutched Severus tighter. I moaned when he pressed his whole body against mine, pinning me to the book shelf. His kiss was rough and passionate. Our tongues fighting for dominance.

Suddenly, his lips left mine and I whimpered in surprise. Instead, he trailed teasingly slow kisses over my jaw and to my ear. I took shallow breaths when I felt his breathing on my neck. The low growl vibrating through his chest and on my soft skin was enough to make me moan again. At that, Severus released his strong grip on my hair and placed his hand gently on my cheek. While the other wandered from my waist to my lower back and pulled me closer. His kisses wandered down and I exhaled a shaking breath when his lips met my sweet spot. Gently, he started kissing and sucking. I moaned deeply and leaned my head against his shoulder. Losing myself completely in that passionate, yet pleasant feeling of his lips on my skin.

Severus slowed his kissing and brushed his nose against my sensible skin. I heard him taking shaking breaths and shuddered slightly when I felt it on my skin. He placed a long kiss on my neck before trailing small kisses along my jaw and up to my cheek. Softly, I felt his lips on the corner of my mouth. His hair tingled in my face but I was completely lost in his sudden gentleness. Finally, he rested his forehead against mine and only then did I dare to breath deeply again. He raised his other hand and cupped my jaw on each side of my face.

"I love you." I spoke softly against his lips. I felt his smile but suddenly he pulled back a little to look into my eyes. Black, loving, mysterious eyes were gazing intensely in my blue ones.

"I love you too." Heat erupted in my heart once again and warmed my body soothingly. I laced my fingers on the back of his neck and traced small circles with my thumbs.

"I'm sorry, Severus!" I said painfully but I needed to say it now before getting back to my scared and hyperventilating self. "For everything I did and said before. It wasn't fair to you or Hermione."

I watched him desperately, feeling more vulnerable than ever before. Fondly, Severus caressed my cheek.

"Don't worry about it anymore!" He said in his deep, velvet voice. "Give Granger some time to handle everything you told her." I nodded and sighed. Severus' caresses stopped and he furrowed his eyebrows. "You should tell your brother and friends though. As soon as possible. They need to know about it."

"I suppose I'll do it after I left. I don't want to go the common room anyway..." I stated miserably. I saw when Severus' expression became more reserved and guarded again. He nodded curtly before taking a step back Instantly, I felt lonely and cold when his body left mine.

I pushed myself of the shelf and run my hand through my messy hair. Severus smirked and straightened his as well. Then he crossed his arms but the amused expression didn't leave his face.

"What?" I asked confused and tilted my head. His expression became incredibly self-satisfied.

"I didn't pin you against a wall but for the beginning a shelf's acceptable as well." A wide arrogant smirk and sparkling eyes made me laugh in disbelief and embarrassment.

"Merlin, you're awfully sneaky sometimes." I replied chuckling and shook my head.

"You might want to add that to your list of insults." Severus replied dryly but the challenging look gave his amusement away. "I believe you called me an infuriating, sadistic, smartass Slytherin."

"You forgot petulant and annoying, I think." I grinned slyly. "But it'd be quite sloppy to use sneaky and Slytherin in one insult. I mean it's practically the same or aren't you supposed to be cunning anymore?"

Severus' corner of the mouth twitched and he growled lowly. I smirked triumphantly and enjoyed his defeated expression. It was quite difficult to beat Severus' repartee and happened rare enough. Therefore, I felt always incredibly proud and smug when I did beat him.

"You should go now." Severus retorted calmly. I almost chuckled but then I remembered what I would have to do when I left his office. In the blink of an eye, my amusement was whipped away and I exhaled a deep breath.

"I guess I should…" I said weakly and bit the inside of my cheek. Severus stepped closer and cupped my jaw with his hand. Groaning, I dropped my head against his chest and buried my face in his robes. I felt Severus' hand wander to my neck and caress me reassuringly. He placed a kiss on top of my head before pulling away and stepping back.

He folded his arms and stared at me with a calm expression. I knew Severus wasn't a person who liked excuses or cowardice. He considered emotions in most cases secondary; loyalty and duty had priority. If someone did a mistake he expected the person to tell the truth and deal with the new situation.

Hence, I knew his posture was my cue to leave or he would most certainly throw me out. I gulped and smiled shyly at him. His gaze softened a little and he nodded back. I knew what I had to do.

"Bye, Severus." With that I turned around and left his office. Trying not to think about Hermione, I wondered where I could find Draco, Blaise and Derek. I stopped dead in my tracks and cursed when I remembered that they were down by the Quidditch pitch. Hopefully, they're still playing!