50

50. Emotional confessions

"You annoying, stubborn, sulking Gryffindor get out of bed this instant!" The loud voice of my best friend made its way to my bed. I groaned and pulled the blanket up to my nose.

"Leave me 'lone." I mumbled quietly and rubbed my stitching forearm. "Hey!" I exclaimed irritated when Hermione ripped the warm blanket from my body. She cast me a stern look, resting her hands on her wrist in a Molly Weasley like position.

"I'm not leaving you alone, Arya. Not anymore. Not until you've told us the reason for your… sudden mood change. I mean one day you're casting Moody death glares and arguing with Professor McGonagall about it, the next day you act all depressed."

She was right – of course. Since I had left Dumbledore's office, I had barely spoken a word with my friends. I had successfully avoided Draco, Blaise and to my own surprise even Derek. I barely left Gryffindor tower anymore except for classes or meals. I hurried from class to class, barely arriving on time to avoid my brother at any costs. I kept my head low and hardly laughed or argued – not even with Moody. I had successfully bottled up my emotions and avoided anything that threatened to bring them to the surface. It was the only way to keep me from having a serious emotional breakdown…

I sighed and reluctantly left my bed. Not casting Hermione even one glance, I grabbed my clothes and made my way to the bathroom. To my annoyance, the sun shone brightly in our dorm. It was late already, almost ten in the morning. Recently, I hated weekends; without my friends, my brother and Severus I had not much left to occupy my time.

To my surprise and slight annoyance, my best friend was still sitting on her bed with a book in her hands. However, when she heard me, she lifted her head and showed me a genuine smile. Eagerly, she jumped up and linked her arm with mine. I rolled my eyes but she ignored it and dragged me towards the stairs.

"Harry and Ron are waiting in the great hall. I told them I'd get you and they promised to wait until you've made it downstairs." With that she pulled me through the portrait hole.

"But I'm not hungry, Hermione. I'd rather prefer meeting up in the common room with them. Besides, I wanted to look something up in the library." I whined.

Hermione raised her eyebrows at me and chuckled. I continued whining all the way down the moving staircases. "Honestly, Arya. A few weeks ago, you would've laughed if I would've acted like you. And now look at you…"

I groaned and stumbled when I suddenly spotted bleach blond hair in the corridor. Quickly, I lowered my head and pushed Hermione to walk faster. I cursed under my breath when she walked slower in surprise. Out of the corner of my eyes, I saw her scanning the corridor for my urge to flee all the sudden.

"Running from him again?" She asked quietly next to my ear.

If I would have been fine I would have retorted something Slytherin like – but I wasn't alright. The nearer we came to the great hall, the faster pounded my still existing heart. Every single time, I feared so much to see Severus during meals or classes. Furthermore, it increased the chance of finally running into Draco. He wouldn't let me off the hook until I had told him everything and that would surely provoke my controlled emotions.

"I just don't want to talk to him…" I mumbled but she heard it anyway.

"Well, he's definitely desperate to talk to you though." Hermione muttered and I snapped my head up, afraid he had managed to corner us. My best friend shook her head and scoffed. "Not now."

"Then what do you mean?" I snapped harsher than I had intended. Hermione's look turned darker and she scowled at the passing students.

"He cornered me twice already. Asking about your well-being." She growled and I raised my eyebrows at her.

"Bloody hell."

She chuckled at my useless contribution. Before she could say anything though we entered the great hall. Immediately, I continued protesting again but my best friend pulled me carelessly with her. A little forced, I sat down on the seat facing Harry. He cast me one of his bright, heart-warming smiles and the corners of my mouth twitched a little in return. Even if I felt agonizingly miserable inwardly, Harry somehow managed to light up my mood.

"Morning!" He exclaimed happily and I rolled my eyes. When I looked up at him he grinned cheerfully and I shook my head chuckling as well.

"We already worried if Filch accidentally killed you in detention. That was until Hermione told us that you're sleeping peaceful in your bed." Ron laughed and my friends grinned.

Again, I rolled my eyes and carelessly bit in the piece of toast. I knew if I didn't eat, Hermione would pester me without end - to often had I refused to eat or skipped meals. The following week was the last week of detention. I didn't really care because it gave me something to do. Severus had refused to have me in detention, Professor McGonagall had told me. I didn't know if I should be glad about it or not. I missed him so much and whenever I thought back to the day we had been in Dumbledore's office, I felt as if my life had stopped making sense since then.

Several times, I had almost started crying in class and had just barely made it outside with a pathetic excuse. I couldn't bear McGonagall's presence because I knew if she decided to ask about my well-being I'd break down instantly. And the fact that she still didn't believe me wasn't making anything easier between us. Then there were Potions classes – pure nightmares. Every time, I saw Severus I felt like on the verge of passing out. I often wished I would simply faint to get away from my pain for a while. Whenever I saw him, my heart crumbled all over again. Leaving me to heal my wounds and pride as best as I could until our next encounter.

But I couldn't heal myself properly - not as long as I was convinced that Moody was a Death Eater. I needed him to heal. I need Severus!

A nudge in my side made me snap out of my thoughts. Lazily, I lifted my head at my friends who watched me closely. I furrowed my eyebrows and cast them a questioning look. Hermione shook her head to herself.

"I asked what happened, Arya. We know something's wrong. You've hardly been yourself these last weeks." Harry explained in a low voice and I glared at my plate.

Nervously, I bit the inside of my cheek. I ran a hand through my hair before burying my face in my hands. I can't tell them. I can't. What if they refuse to talk to me too then? … It's not as if we're talking about anything these days anyway… Come on, Arya. They're your friends. It might help speaking with someone…

After minutes of consideration and arguing with myself, I finally lifted my head again. My friends were talking to each other but when they saw I had moved they looked at me. Anxiously, I played with my teaspoon and watched the reflecting candles in it.

"Fine, I'll tell you… But you can't tell anyone about it. Ever!" Harry and Ron cast me a curious gaze whilst Hermione mostly looked worried. I sighed and tapped my fingers on the table. "Remember the day when Professor McGonagall spoke to me after class? About my dislike for Moody." The three of them nodded so I continued quickly before I could possibly change my mind. "Well, you left lunch while I stayed here. I wanted to find out about Moody's secrets but I completely forgot about Snape who-"

"Arya, you're rambling." Hermione interrupted me loudly, making me close my mouth in astonishment.

"Sorry." I muttered nervously but more about what I was going to say now. "I wanted to invade Moody's mind." Biting the inside of my cheek, I waited anxiously for my friends reactions.

"You what?" Hermione yelled horrified and I quickly shushed her.

"You can do that? With your magic?" Ron asked grinning and exchanged a short glance with Harry. "That's wicked!"

Hermione cast him a dark look. "It's most certainly not wicked, Ronald. It's a serious attack on privacy."

Harry rolled his eyes at their bickering and groaned. "Could you just quit it and let Arya explain, please?" I cast him a short thankful glance.

"I didn't make it though, because before I'd passed the last barriers in his mind, somebody pulled me out of Moody's mind. Rather brutal and painful… So, I was in a bit of a shock when I tried to leave but McGonagall caught up and brought me to Dumbledore's office. I was awaited by Dumbledore and Professor Snape…"

I blinked a few times when I felt my eyes stitching. My gaze wandered automatically to the teacher's table before I could stop myself. A part of me felt relief when Severus wasn't there – the main part of my heart squeezed painfully though. Gulping, I returned my attention back to my friends who were listening curiously.

"I forgot that Professor Snape knows whenever I use magic. He was the one who pulled me out of Moody's mind. They were furious…"

"So they gave you detention I suppose, right?" Harry asked quietly and I nodded.

"Yes, it was Dumbledore's idea. He warned me to never try anything like that again. I had to promise not to talk to anyone about it and keep low. And Professor McGonagall took fifty points from Gryffindor." I added grimly and massaged my temples. For now, I had my emotions in check… but the pounding heart in my chest told me that they were on the verge of coming up again.

"Snape was the one to find out? What did he say?" Ron threw in and I closed my eyes. I cursed inwardly and took a deep breath.

"He… asked for a severe punishment…" I growled and tried not remembering Severus' disappointed face... I couldn't fool my heart. I shouldn't have told them…

"What do you mean 'severe punishment'? What did the git want?" Harry asked gloomy and when I opened my eyes, I saw him glaring at the teacher's table. As soon as he realized that his less favourite teacher wasn't there he turned back to me.

"He knows that I intended to try out for the Quidditch team next year. So, he suggested to ban me from the tryout next year." I averted my gaze when Harry's face contorted with anger.

"He didn't get through with it though." He stated incredulously. I groaned and shook my head curtly.

"He didn't but Dumbledore conceded the decision to Professor McGonagall." I stared in Harry's bright green eyes before finally speaking up again. "And she banned me from the tryout…"

Harry's mouth opened in astonishment when he processed the message. Then suddenly, his look turned dark and he scowled at his plate. I shrugged my shoulders and rubbed my face. I understood why Severus had asked for a more severe punishment. If I wouldn't have been convinced that Moody was the bad guy in this school, his punishment surely would have been a very good lesson to me to never invade anyone's mind ever again. But Moody was in fact evil so I knew I would do it again if it became necessary. Hence, I could never possibly apologize for having invaded his mind. Therefore, I had no other choice than sitting it out and waiting for Moody to make a mistake.

I blew out my cheeks in frustration before letting out a loud breath. I groaned and buried my face in my arms on the table. This sucks! Moody and the tournament. Severus' stubbornness. It all sucks so damn much! … Bloody hell, Severus. You're an infuriating, petulant man but I love you so much! … Why can't you simply get out of your own way for once…

"I'm sorry for annoying you with my sulking." I muttered loud enough for them to hear. I rested my chin in my hands and cast them a sad, half-hearted smile. My heart pounded loudly in my chest and I bit the inside of my cheek.

"Don't worry about it…" Harry replied absentminded, obviously still deep in thoughts about my punishment.

My attention was drawn elsewhere instantly though when I saw Severus entering the great hall through the staff entrance. I gulped anxiously as my mouth felt completely dry. I should look away to save myself from another inward breakdown but I simply couldn't. I couldn't avert my eyes when he sat down and started eating as if nothing had ever happened. I watched him mesmerised, desperately drinking in every movement - until my vision blurred.

Snapped out of my hypnotisation, I blinked a few times and lowered my head… I felt my desperation, the strong love for this man, the pain from Severus' mistrust and words heavily in my heart… You gave me your word and I trusted you… My lungs seemed to squeeze, making it almost impossible to breath regularly. I wanted to tell my friends that I needed to leave, that they didn't need to worry about me. I stood up, almost stumbling over my own feet but couldn't say a word when I looked in their worried faces. I bit my bottom lip and whirled around, leaving the great hall on flabby legs... You disgust me! You betrayed me...

I pressed a shaking hand to my mouth, trying to hold in the sobs I felt in my lungs. Tears started rolling down my cheeks. I didn't know where I was walking, I didn't care… How could you Arya? … I didn't know what to do anymore. Despite my blurred vision I managed somehow to hold myself on my feet. At some point, I felt someone gripping my arm and dragging me with them. Yet I didn't care anymore… Moody was the bad guy, nonetheless everybody was convinced that I was…

Somebody pushed my shoulders so I let myself glide down on the wall behind me. I found myself sitting on the cold stone floor and I blinked several times to get all the tears out of my eyes. I was in a deserted room… Obviously, I wasn't alone though. Someone put their arm around my shoulders and pulled me in for a comforting, tight embrace… I don't want to see you any longer… I whimpered and lost the last self-control I had left.

Desperately, I clung to whoever was holding me. A soft hand held my head gently to their chest. My body started shaking with sobs and tears made their way down my face. I cried out every single minute of the last weeks I had spent suppressing my emotions. I whimpered and screamed and sobbed uncontrollably… Have you no self-respect at all Arya… You gave me your word never to abuse your power… I had broken his trust… Get out of my sight… He hated me… Don't return until you care enough for a genuine apology… I had lost Severus… I couldn't give him what he wanted…

I merely whimpered when my tears and sobs died down. I couldn't do anything anymore. I felt completely drained of my energy. Helpless, I squinted my eyes close and pressed my head against the soothing warmth. Someone rubbed my shoulder comfortingly. I lost myself in the soothing and gentle words that were murmured over my head… And froze instantly when I recognised the voice. I lifted my shaking head and looked in stormy grey eyes.

"Draco." I whispered defeated. My brother nodded slowly and moved one hand to the side of my head. Whimpering, I let my head fall back against his chest. I started taking deeper and calmer breaths now. I felt Draco rest his chin on top of my head and tightening his hold on me.

"What happened, Arya?" He murmured softly, making another vision of Severus' disappointed face arise in my mind. I closed my eyes and shook my head slightly against his chest. Draco sighed and gently rubbed my shoulder. "You avoided us for weeks. Not even Granger knew what was going on…" He paused and I knew that he knew the answer very well himself. "It's Severus, right?"

I couldn't suppress the small whimper when I heard his name... I gulped and lifted my heavy head. Numbly, I shifted to change my position a little. I leaned properly against the wall behind me, Draco's arm leaving my shoulders. Groaning, I stretched my hurting legs to rest them on his. Then I stared at the fidgeting hands in my lap which didn't really feel like my own anymore. My brother slipped to me until the remaining gap closed when our shoulders touched. As we had done as children, he placed his hand in mine and interlaced our fingers.

I continued staring at my lap as I rested my free hand on our entangled hands. I felt my brother's worried gaze on me but refused to look at him. If I would, I would most certainly start crying again and I couldn't bare going through all these emotions again. Groaning, I leaned my head against the wall and felt cold all the sudden. Each exhale seemed to ease my heart and at the same time also sharpen my mind again. I bit the inside of my cheeks before carelessly resting my exhausted gaze on our hands.

"After the incident in Potions we'd an argument about Moody." I finally spoke up with a tired and defeated voice. "I wanted to prove being right about him. I thought if I'd get his memories I'd be able to convince Severus but he stopped me the moment I'd started invading Moody's mind. Severus was furious and so disappointed… I betrayed him, Draco. I broke my promise!"

I lifted my head to look at my brother who watched me closely. Desperately, I was searching for the right words for him to understand me. "But it's not just that. Nobody believes me about Moody! They all think I'm merely overreacting. They all say they're trusting me - but the truth is, they don't."

Draco nodded slowly and averted his gaze. I furrowed my eyebrows in annoyance and bit my bottom lip. To my own surprise, it dawned me that the crying had helped after all. I felt lighter and not so troubled anymore. I finally had the feeling that I could survive the rest of the year again even if Severus would refuse to see me. I felt the very well-known spark of determination and hope burning in my heart again.

Draco squeezed my hand and when I turned to him, I found him watching me intensely. "Well, I trust and believe you." His lips twitched in a small smirk. "They're all gits, you know. But I promise they'll see the truth one day." The ice blue eyes sparkled mischievously and I felt the corner of my lips moving upwards as well. "They'll beg desperately for your forgiveness on their knees. Then it's your turn to pull the strings."

I chuckled quietly, rolling my eyes. Draco bumped my shoulder and grinned arrogantly. I let out a deep breath before a mixture of sorrow and anger overwhelmed me once again.

"But when, Draco? The headmaster, my head of house and Severus – they're all beyond disappointed. Severus doesn't want to see me again unless I apologize. They're all convinced, I'm the bad person here but I'm not."

Draco had tensed at my words and watched me with a dark expression now. "He really- He said that?" He asked incredulously and I nodded curtly. He run a hand through his hair and scoffed. "Wow... Never believed he'd do something like that… Not to you at least- especially not to you!"

"Not helping." I mumbled annoyed, making him squeeze my hand once more.

"Alright, I've to improve my choice of words; They're undoubtedly the worst teacher gits in Hogwarts." My brother exclaimed snidely in the silence of the room. I flinched when his voice sounded strangely loud in the deserted room. Draco chuckled when I punched his leg and glared half-heartedly.

"Despite everything… it's still my boyfriend you're talking about, Draco." I groaned and averted my gaze from a smugly smirking Draco. "Merlin, that sounds so… Slytherin. My teacher's my boyfriend." I contorted my face in disgust, making him laugh mockingly.

"You dare accusing us of being sluts… yet you're the Gryffindor who's making out with my head of house." My brother sneered triumphantly, earning him another hard punch. "And being physically abusive…" He added mumbling, washing away every single depressive emotion in my heart.

I laughed incredulously and stared at him with wide eyes. "You're one to talk… You're being more than psychologically abusive to your own friends – and sister, I might add."

Draco rolled his eyes and raised one eyebrow at me. "I highly doubt that."

"Oh really? How so?" I asked challenging and pulled my hand out of his. Childishly, I crossed my arms and waited for his answer. Draco's smirk widened at my reaction.

"For starters, I'm only teasing when it's appropriate. Besides, I never crossed your, Derek's or Blaise's line. Also, I'm not insulting you or causing any collateral damage with my words… not severely anyway." He added the last part sneering with a raised eyebrow. I scoffed and averted my gaze. As painful as it was for me to admit – he was right. I scoffed, growling lowly in my chest. Draco hummed satisfied and nodded to himself.

There was a long silence between us during which we were simply enjoying each other's proximity. At some point, I had intertwined our fingers again. Absentminded, I traced circles on the back of his hand. What in Merlin's beard am I supposed to do now? I can't apologize and Severus won't accept the damn truth…

"I've got no choice except waiting, right? Dumbledore warned me, you know. If I try anything else against Moody, I'm going to be expelled." I asked quietly.

"What?" Draco asked surprised and I furrowed my eyebrows at his questioning expression. "What punishment did they impose you?" I blew out my cheeks and scoffed with a dark expression.

"Dumbledore gave me detention for a month and McGonagall deducted fifty points… Well, Severus suggested a severe punishment to make sure I wouldn't do it again." I growled when the suppressed frustration started to take over. "He suggested to ban me from the tryout next year."

Draco stared at me dumbfounded until a squeeze of his hand snapped him out of his disbelief. He blinked a few times and shook his head. I bit the inside of my cheek and leaned my head against the wall.

"So, McGonagall banned me… No Quidditch for me next year. Just awesome!" I stated sarcastically. Draco seemed shocked at first but then his expression became thoughtful.

"Do you think she'll retract her punishment if I tell her what an exceptional and talented chaser she's withholding her own Quidditch team?" Draco asked with a mischievous smirk on his lips. That made me smirk as well but I tried to hide it behind my hand. He cast me a questioning look. "What?"

"Nothing." I retorted quickly and bit my bottom lip. My brother simply watched me with a very pitiful expression. Defeated, I chuckled and smirked smugly at him. "I'm an exceptional and talented chaser. Sounds great actually… especially out of your mouth. I've got to tell Blaise as soon as possible."

"Oh, suck it up! You're not on the team yet." Draco rolled his eyes in amusement before looking at me with an arrogant sneer. I cast him a dark warning glare but of course he simply had to. "Oh, right I forgot. As it seems, you're not going to be anytime soon…"

I pulled my hand out of his and pushed him very hard. Laughing he straightened up again and ruffled my hair.

"Bloody jerk." I muttered when I straightened my hair again. Draco simply laughed and placed one arm around my shoulders, pressing me uncomfortably against his chest.

"Yeah, but you love that bloody jerk with his stunning good looks and incredibly charming personality." Draco stated matter of fact in a very frustrating satisfied tone. I rolled my eyes but couldn't suppress the chuckle. I poked in his stomach to release me again which only resulted in being pulled closer. Trying to fight of his grip, I let my legs slip on the floor.

"What exactly are you trying to do?" Draco asked astonished when I wriggled under his arm. With an annoyed growl I stopped my resistance and turned on my back. Now my head was resting in his lap and I saw confusion in his eyes. I glared up but he smirked unimpressed.

"Getting comfortable, bloody jerk." I muttered to his amusement. He smiled one of his rare, genuine smiles and I felt my heart lighten up.

"Alright but you still love that bloody jerk with his stunning good looks and incredibly charming personality – even very much, I'd say!" I chuckled and intertwined our fingers again.

"As much as it pains me to admit… yes, I love you very much. Concerning the rest, that's open to dispute. Nevertheless, you're still the biggest bloody jerk of a brother." I grinned up and he chuckled deeply.

"Well, despite you being unbelievably infuriating and Gryffindor at times, you're still the best Gryffindor-Slytherin little sister I'd ever have."

"You do remember that our birthday's the same day?" I asked lazily and he shrugged.

"So?" He asked with one raised eyebrow. I cast him a stern look, earning me an annoyingly sly grin.

"So! I'm not your little sister seeing as we're both born 5th June 1980." I emphasized as if I was talking to a child. Draco showed himself unimpressed – naturally. He smirked smugly and shrugged again.

"Such a pity! I love my little sister! … Besides, I was born a few hours earlier. So, technically I'm older than you."

"Well, technically," I imitated his smartass voice with a crooked smirk. "You're not even my brother."

Draco laughed and looked – to my satisfaction – very sheepish. I hummed, completely enjoying his defeat. "Touché." He looked down with a small smile. "I still love you though."

"Good because I'd knock you of your broom if you ever didn't. You're the only family I have." I replied lightly but inwardly I felt the resounding meaning of the heavy truth in my words. Even if we had met under very uncomfortable circumstances and endured a lot of pain together, we both knew we'd gladly go through all of it again if necessary…