Nostalgia

Chapter Twenty Two

Brianna's POV

"Stupid brat! If you wanna kill yourself that badly you do it somewhere else!"

...

"Oh look isn't it Miss Special." Katey Moore, a snotty blonde from my class, sneered at me. "'Brendan told me I could become a good journalist someday! Gosh I'm so happy I could die!'" She mocked me as the girls behind supported her with a lot of snickers.

My ears perked up at the usual tone of my daily aggressors. Even though it is something I am slowly getting used to, their snide remarks never fail to get my attention.

They were sick.

Getting used to them and having my attention numbed to them apparently are two different things.

As the setting sun slowly tinted the sky with ginger hues and lengthening our shadows down the pavement, another school day ended at LaRousse Grade School. The school bell had rang an hour ago and I decided to stay late to answer all my assignments rather than doing it at home later.

"Don't think you're so special just because Brendan talked to you cheeky brat!" The blonde menaced behind me by the school gates.

I bit the inside of my cheek and decided that it was best to just ignore them and move on, just like what I've always planned every day. Though there were some days that things just didn't go as I planned, thus earning me some bruises on the way home.

As I was about to cross the street I felt a rough tugging grip on my shoulder stopping me abruptly.

"Listen when I talk to you red-haired brat!" I soon came face to face with the girl I hated the most.

Since I was young my grandmother taught me a lot of things, like how everything can be solved without using force and violence. I love my grandmother and I respect her so much but even though with that much adoration I have for her, I just couldn't help but fight sometimes.

I slowly balled my hands.

I really am such a disobedient child.

A brat, as they all like to call me.

"Hey! I told you to lis-" I cut her off with a slap. From the way I knocked her back and the silence of her subordinates, it is safe to say that I delivered a quite painful blow.

She rounded her eyes in astonishment, just the way I liked it.

"Don't call me a red-haired brat, blond bitch!" I glared at her.

She gritted her teeth so much that I could faintly hear it. "You stupid red-haired brat!" She screamed before charging at me.

My heart set itself to disobey what my grandmother have taught me. I suddenly went fanatical into hurting her to the extent that she would leave me alone forever. So instead of meeting her charge at me, I simply took a side step and let her ran pass me carelessly and into the busy street behind.

She had plagued my life for five years. And now she's treating me worse just because Brendan simply talked to me?! Am I not allowed to feel happiness? Am I only allowed to feel remorse, ostracize from everyone for the rest of my life? That she would even wait me out here just to mock me for that slight happiness I felt earlier this morning when Brendan talked to me?

She was surprised to the plan I executed and she tripped on the pavement and landed on the street. She squeaked in pain as we all heard a ludicrously loud horn from an incoming truck. She tried to stand up but failed. It seemed that she had sprained her ankles from falling down.

I slowly gripped my handbag tightly.

"Hey!" She cried out to her friends by the gate. "I can't stand! Help me! Quick! Call someone! Save me please!"

It must have been the dusk that miraculously there was nobody else aside us outside of school, it must really be her fate to die. Most of her friends panicked and stayed motionless in fear as two of her friends hurried and went back.

Nobody even went to aid her.

What a poor girl.

I stared back at Katey in her helpless sprawling state. My breathing became heavy with emotions crawling up my throat. Despair, sorrow, pain, longing, and envy. And at the top of them all - A dark kind of happiness.

Happy that she was shaking in fear. Happy that she was begging for help. Happy that there could be nobody else to save her. Happy that she's looking at me with remorseful eyes. Happy that my vengeance could be handed finally.

And most of all, happy that these nightly nightmares might vanish starting tonight.

In her horrified trembling eyes, I saw my own murky indistinguishable reflection.

To hell with Katey. To hell with her and her friends. To hell with her and her shrill laughter for making me take lunch in the girl's comfort room. To hell with her and her daily pranks of throwing my shoes and notebooks in the trash bin. To hell with her and her judgmental eyes. To hell with her and her mocking sneer. To hell with her and everything about her.

She yelped in pain as tears fell on the black asphalt of the road. From the west horizon, a huge white delivery truck was coming fast. If there was anyone that would spare her life, it was only the driver. But from the looks of it, even he wasn't slowing down.

Katey watched at the truck and slowly looked at me, her disheveled face trembling with fear. "Please save me..."

Now Brianna, no matter how many times people would hurt you it isn't right to hurt them back or wish them ill. It's not always easy to forgive but it's the best thing to do. Not because that would excuse their ill behavior but that is to prevent their ill behavior from destroying you. Because no matter how many times they would say how ugly and unwanted you are, to me you are the most beautiful and kind-hearted granddaughter a grandmother could ever ask.

In a spark of light, I instantaneously dropped my bag and ran to Katey. Without thinking about anything, I grabbed her shoulders and stood her up. She was quite heavy for a ten year old classmate.

As she hunched her back and shifted her weight on my shoulder, she kicked me in the shin. I gasped in pain as she pushed me down on the warm black asphalt. The wave of pain that traveled all over my body made me bit my tongue. Needless to say, I was incapacitated.

"That's what you get for trying to kill me stupid dumb red-haired brat!" She snarled at me as she limped her way back to the sidewalk.

I tried standing up but the biting pain really weighed me down. I looked to my right and the truck was nowhere from slowing down.

Is the driver blind?

A bead of sweat marked a blot on the asphalt as I tried standing up again. But it was still no use.

It was surprising that all of the hatred and sorrow I cradled earlier vanished like smoke just by the mere soft voice of my grandmother in my memory. And what else surprised me is the fact that I would feel this indifferent to dying. Did all of my hatred made my fear of dying grow numbed? It felt like I have already died a long time ago.

My death wouldn't bother anyone right?

But no matter, even if my mother and father aren't so proud of me, in the end I didn't heed to the taunting voices inside my head. I'm pretty sure grandma would be so proud of me.

Dying with that fact floating inside my head made me feel grateful and calm. This feeling plus the hope of meeting grandma soon, who would have thought that death would be a kind of catharsis.

My grandma was good and in the end I did well. I certainly deserve to see grandma again.

I slowly stopped struggling and laid down on the warm black road, the smell of burnt tires gently made me dizzy. From what I could hear, the truck still wasn't slowing down. Any minute now and everything would be gone.

I could almost see grandma again.

As I was about to close my eyes, I felt a rapid force sweeping me off the road. I heard a loud horn passed by and before I could make any sense of what happened. I found myself rolling then lying on the patch of grass near the sidewalk with a particular boy on top of me.

I was speechless at everything that happened.

"If you wanna kill yourself that badly you do it somewhere else." He chuckled and gasped for air, the orange rays of the sunset behind him turned his chartreuse hair yellowish as if it was flaming. "You really are a stupid brat." He smiled a flashy smile - the only thing that was bright as the evening started to blanket the skies in darkness.

...

"Stupid brat" May fumed. "If you wanna kill yourself that badly you do it somewhere else!"

If you wanna kill yourself that badly you do it somewhere else. You really are a stupid brat.

"Hey are you listening to me!?"

"Shut up!" I woke up to my senses and pushed her aside to the ground. "What is it to you if I wanted to kill myself here? You don't get to tell me what to do witch!" I snarled back at her.

"I don't get to tell you what to do yeah you're right about that." She pushed me back aside on the ground as we rolled on the grassy sidewalk. "But you can't just die in front of anyone! That is rude!"

"Oh it's rude? Do you even think I give a damn about anyone!? About whether it's rude or not?" I gritted my teeth and pushed her aside again. "I don't give a single damn!"

Hey, hey it's that girl again. Brianna Wattson, was it? I heard she was unplanned.

She had careless parents. She must be a pain to them.

Yeah she was supposed to be aborted.

I bet her parents must be having a hard time.

She's so gloomy. I think it's best to leave her alone.

I don't know if I should be friends with her, everybody seems to avoid her.

Hey don't stare at her!

Just ignore her.

What a pity.

Let's just play on our own.

"YOU DON'T KNOW THE LIFE I LIVED WITCH!"

Sorrow, betrayal, agony, hatred, fear, grief, misery, vengeance, guilt, despair, envy, doubt, anger and jealousy. My body is plagued with every sick emotion. My body was erupting with deleterious and murderous emotions.

My mind is in ravage.

I was shaking rabidly.

"You don't know what it feels like to be avoided!" I pinned her down and yelled. "You don't know what it feels like to be unwanted!"

"You don't know what it feels like to be unloved! To have no friends! To be always surrounded with nothing but rumors and judgmental eyes!"

"YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE LIKE ME! SO DON'T GO ON TELLING ME WHAT TO DO!"

I was expecting her to make a comeback retort but she didn't. She just stayed motionless with a fierce and unwavering look in her eyes, as if challenging me that all of my claims were weak and unsupported.

It annoyed the hell out of me.

I brusquely stood her up and slapped her with all my might right in her face.

Stupid witch! What the hell does she know about being unwanted? She has friends. Her parents adore her as much as I would like my parents to adore me. Her parents are proud of her. She has Drew's affection. Even Brendan fell for her. And even grandpa respected her so much.

She has everything, all that I ever wanted.

I hate her. I despise her.

She knows nothing!

I knocked her back a few centimeters, but she stood down. .

I charged back at her and punched her with my left fist.

I hate her. She has everything I wanted. I hate her. I despise her.

I followed it up with another jab from my right fist.

And with another, and then another. And I gave her a kick on her left thigh. Why isn't she fighting back? Why is she letting me do all the hitting? Is she supposed to be this stupid?

When I thought she would finally collapse, she held her place with trembling knees. And then she charged at me.

I narrowed my eyes and anticipated her attack in a defensive stance, it is what I wanted - for her to fight back and hurt me.

But instead she embraced me or more likely she threw herself at me. I was surprised at her unsuspecting weight that we both fell down with her on top.

Her right eye was swollen purple from my beating. Her nose was dripping with blood. But despite that, she managed a weak chuckle.

"What are you so angry about brat? That's not how you treat someone who just saved your life."

Blood dripped from her nose and onto my cheeks.

"Why won't you fight back? You're supposed to hit me too! Are you really this stupid?"

"You really are the stupid one here." She answered. "You're already hurt. Why would I hurt someone who's already in pain?"

"Stupid red-haired brat."

My vision blurred as May collapsed on me.

My voice broke. "Why would it matter to you if I'm already in pain?"

"It shouldn't matter to someone, or to anyone."

My tears streamed uncontrollably as people slowly gathered around us.

"You could have at least thrown a punch or two."

I got no response from her, only her rough, wounded and coarse breathing.

"Hey answer me witch! I know you're still alive. Don't go dying on me now!" I sniveled. "Or I will never forgive you!"

"You...owe me, ice cream..brat." It was the last thing she said before I finally felt all her weight on me.

I sobbed and wailed so hard and so loudly outside on a busy street as an ambulance alarm got nearer.

I was a gravely sight to behold.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid May, stupid witch, stupid dumb witch." I chanted, I tried so hard even though speaking became impossible with my uncontrollable sobbing. "I'd rather die than be saved by you... Of all people."

I cried to my heart's full content.

I didn't bother wiping them away, for what use?

...

"Aren't you the new neighbor that had just moved?" I asked as he helped me stood up.

In an instant, I forgot Katey, I forgot my sadness, I forgot my hatred and I forgot my pain. In his lopsided smile, I learned I could forget the whole world. When I was no longer hesitant about dying, how I welcomed it with wide open arms. He came crashing down on me like a starfall. The moment I found myself under his arms was the moment I was reborn. He breathed life into my dull and colorless life.

It is all too cruel.

"Anyway.." I followed immediately, noticing that I was staring blankly at him as if his eyes held the entire universe. "I'd rather die than be saved by you.." I pouted as my cheeks started warming up. I dusted my skirt in attempt to hide my flustered state.

"Huh?" He grimaced as he scratched his head. "What are you so angry about? That's not how you treat someone who just saved your life."

...

To be saved twice, first from the boy who I've admired so much. And now to the girl I envied so much. Drew and May, crashing into my life in the same way as if it was all staged.

It was all too bittersweet for me, too nostalgic. That I just couldn't help but cry and cry and cry.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid May, stupid witch, stupid dumb witch."

...

"Brianna." My father called out as he handed me a large blue backpack.

I received the object and looked up to him in curiosity.

He heaved a deep sigh and knelt down. I was too depressed from my talk last night with Drew that I was too distracted to notice him walking up to me. Even though I knew he already had someone special, I still confessed to him.

It really was a stupid move.

He looked deep into my eyes and smiled sadly.

"Don't you wanna get away from here?" He asked.

"Away from LaRousse?" I answered.

"Yes. To my father's place. A place where nobody knows us. A place where we can start a new life."

A new place and a new start. Leave behind my sufferings, my sorrow and my loathing. And leave behind Drew -my everything.

"Yes..." I answered silently. If he's going to leave me someday then I might just leave him behind while I can.

I felt a sting in my chest as the early rays of sunrise pierced through the glass windows of my room.

...

Looks like the effort of leaving LaRousse was all for nothing, with just this confrontation it made me remember so much.

Every painful and sweet memory.

Everything which I tried so hard to lock away.

Everything came back to me, haunting me as if they all just happened yesterday.

"Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid May, stupid witch, stupid dumb witch."

Is there really no way for me to forget everything?

Am I really supposed to go on living?

The only answer I got is the cold gentle fall of snow in December.

You really are the stupid one here. You're already hurt. Why would I hurt someone who's already in pain?

It really is a cruel world.