The Monster In Me

Humans are monsters.

I remember you telling me that all humans are monsters. That we do nothing but inflict hurt onto ourselves. That humans, by definition, cannot be controlled and causes many problems.

And I agreed with you but told you that even if we have monsters inside us it's still up to us if we show it and if we let it control us.

You had one. She had one. He had one. Everyone had one.

But me? I did not let my monster out nor did I let it control me. I didn't let it shadow my better half or let it anywhere near it. Only because I have no better half.

I am the monster itself.

I chose to make mine my bestfriend. I chose to love it and give it everything it wanted. I made it a part of me and what I am. I did so to keep myself company in the darkness of times.

It is my weapon, my defender, and my closest friend.

I hide it in plain sight, in front everything I am. It lies in the charm I have, fooling people that I am happy. It lies in my words deceiving others that I��m telling the truth. It lies in my actions, making it look like I'm kind.

I am not.

I love how it makes life easier sometimes. It makes me feel things more, reminds me that I am not alone, I have myself. It reminds me that I can fight for myself, that I have a purpose. It can be the best of all things, the one that gives me courage to do what most people can't and speak to people without any sense of nervousness or hint of shy.

But it can also be the worst of everything.

You see, it feeds off of my anger, loneliness, my negativity… My depression. Feed it enough and it'll take control. It will make me want to hurt others, to scream, to do bad things. It makes me say the worse things to the people I love, to hurt them in such a way that it'll leave a scar.

But I don't want to get to the point that I hurt them physically. So I redirect it's anger towards me. And it gets angrier by doing that. So much so that It doesn't care how hurt I get.

Evil, I know. But I chose that. It's my own reflection of the 7 deadly sins.

It is envy. Envious of all the people who had friends when they were kids, who did not have a broken family, who had people who loved them. It is envious of all the people who are happy with who they have and what they have.

It hates itself, myself for not having those.

It is gluttony. It always hungry. It wants to be fed with negativity, anger, doubt, loneliness. It doesn't want to be deprived of these. It will make me do whatever it takes to make me feed it, even if it means destroying me in the process.

It is greed. It doesn't want to share. It will take everything and will mark it as its own. Even though it doesn't own it. Material, people. You name it, it takes it.

It is lust. Even though you know you are with a person, it will seek someone better than the person I am with. It will make you want to go with that person. It will make you leave whatever you have and go with another.

It is pride. It doesn't want to lose to anything. It will not lower it's guard down even when it knows it's wrong. Not even if I'm about to lose someone I love.

I'm an asshole that way.

It is sloth. It will not do a thing to make things better. It will not move an inch from it's spot because it doesn't care. It will make me stay there and watch things unfold and burn.

It is wrath. It will store everything until it explodes, 'till I can no longer hold it. It will release everything in one big bang, in a storm of rage, fury, and self-loathing.

It will make me destroy myself and make me want to kill myself.

I am a monster. You have read it. I let it take the wheel and drive my life. Made it my bestfriend and my protector.

But I have done evil things with it.

I am a liar, a trickster, a con man, and a devil.

Stay away from me if you know what's good for you.

You have been warned.