Grief

I heard a knock at my door and sighed. I took a deep breath and tried to swallow the lump in my throat. I really didn't want to talk to people. I wanted to wallow in self pity and angrily scribble somewhere.

As I sighed, I refrained from throwing something at the door. "Not in the mood."

Nathan opened the door as I tried to rub my tears away. "Are you okay," he asked.

I rolled my eyes. "Yeah, I'm fine. Things just suck."

He walked over and put a hand on my shoulder. His eyebrows were pulled together in concern and his mouth was pulled into a frown. Nathan was really good at pretending to be a caring older brother.

Before I could stop, my brain began delving in this stupid rabit hole about my older brother. I recoiled. My arm and cheek stung with the ghost of a horrible memory. "Leave me alone."

"You seem sad."

I took a deep breath. "Leave me alone!"

He sighed and sat a little closer. "Is it grief? I know it hits at weird times. My girlfriend lost her brother, and sometimes she'll just break down at the drop of a hat."

I took a deep breath. "Justin and I always spend Saturday together. We can't spend tomorrow together."

Nathan frowned. "I know I'm not Justin, but you and I can spend the day together."

I shook my head and sighed. I pulled my knees up to my chest and laid my head on my knees. Nathan sat next to me and put his arm around me.

"Everything sucks right now, but it'll be okay. I promise."

I didn't respond. I didn't have enough energy. Nathan took that as whatever, and he got up. He gently pulled at one of my sleeves.

"Come on, it's time for dinner. That's what I came up to tell you."

I sighed and got up. We went downstairs to where Mr and Mrs Young were already sitting at the table. Mrs Young was dishing food. Mr Young was trying to wash grease off his hands. It was all over his face too.

Nathan sat at the table and I sat across from him. Mrs Young set a plate in front of me with a kind smile. Spaghetti and salad. My favourite. Mom would make it for me on a bad day. I sighed and looked at my lap.

"Everything okay, Gabriella?"

I just nodded. I had to make it through this dinner, then I could sit upstairs and draw until tomorrow night.

Mr Young sat down, and they all held hands. I held Mr and Mrs Young's hands with an eye roll. They prayed and I tried not to beat people. Praying was a huge waste of time. It's not like anyone was listening. The whole thing was stupid.

"Amen," everyone muttered. I muttered along.

As we started eating, Mr Young looked at me. "Are you feeling okay, Gabriella?"

I looked at him and shrugged. "Yeah, fine. Why?"

"Your eyes are red," Mrs Young said. "Usually that means you've been crying."

I rolled my eyes again. "Don't worry about it, I'm fine."

"Did Lincoln say something?"

"No, just drop it!"

The table went silent. I pushed my food around on my plate, eating a little here and there. After eating half of the spaghetti and the salad, I went upstairs, not bothering to ask if I could leave the table.

As soon as I shut the door, I sat at my desk and opened my sketchbook. I began drawing a face. The face looked haunted, as if tears wanted to spill, but weren't going to. With a few swishes of the pencil, hair fell in her face. Hair framed her face with a few more lines.

I sighed and closed the sketchbook, when I heard a knock at my door.

"What do you want," I asked without getting up.

Nathan opened the door. "I'm gonna head back to my place. Will you be okay?"

I nodded. He smiled.

"Good. Just so you know, I told Mom and Dad that you were grieving. I also told them about my suggestion about you spending the day with me. So, they might make you do that tomorrow."

I sighed. "Why? I was going to spend the whole day drawing."

"We can do that. I can also show you how to write music."

Learning how to write music did sound interesting, but did it have to be tomorrow? I tilted my head back in frustration for a second, then glared at Nathan.

"Fine. It's not like I have much of a choice."

He smiled. "See you tomorrow, kid."

"Can't wait," I said sarcastically as he closed the door.

I looked back at my drawing. Now that I had been looking at something else for a while, I noticed a lot of mistakes. The shadows that made the nose, were too dark. The lips looked lopsided. The eyes were too different sizes.

Anger and frustration boiled in my chest. I let out a low growl, and drew a large slash through her face. Wait, that actually looked better. After some erasing and adding more lines, the girl was shattering. She reminded me of a song I'd heard a while ago.

I felt drained. I put my pencil in the little cup, then closed my sketchbook, turned off the lamp, and crawled into bed. I covered myself with my blanket, then fell asleep.

I woke up to Mrs Young shaking me awake. "Gabriella, it's time to get up. I have to get to work, and you're going to Nathan's."

As I sat up, I cursed Nathan. If there really was a god, he should make Nathan pay for not just letting me be. What if I didn't want to do anything? What if I needed a day to myself and my pencil?

"Do I have to go?"

She nodded and I sighed. I got up as she left the room. After gathering a black tank top, blue high waist, ripped and paint splattered skinny jeans, and assorted underwear, I went to the bathroom and got two towels from the shelf above the toilet. I took a shower, then slid into my clothes.

Nothing makes you feel more at peace than freshly shaven legs against jeans.

I slid on my blue and white hoodie, then I was ready to face whatever the world held for me today. It better not be too much.

As soon as the thought materialized, my phone buzzed. I glanced at it.

Why do you bother breathing? Nothing you do matters. You don't contribute to the world.

Well, I already knew that. I've been asking myself that question for a while now. Ever since I turned thirteen. I locked the phone and slid it into my pocket, then I went downstairs.

Nathan's place was huge. I got out, holding onto the straps of my backpack tightly. It looked almost like a log cabin, but less rustic. There were plants everywhere, and the street was almost deserted.

We were on the other side of town. The houses were bigger, and more spread out, making this area seem like they had more money. Part of me wondered how they got nice houses, when my parents had broken their backs trying to earn enough to eat.

"Are you ready?" Mrs Young's voice snapped me out of my thoughts, making me jump a little. She smiled when I nodded. "Nathan is really excited about this. He's always wanted a younger sibling."

"I'm sure he has," I said, trying not to sound too harsh.

We got inside, just as Nathan was coming up from the basement. I tilted my head to the side in curiosity.

"What's down there?"

"My studio," Nathan said. "Right now, there are a few of my band members down there, trying to figure out the right drum beat for the lyrics that someone else wrote."

I nodded. Mrs Young smiled and kissed my forehead.

"Be good. Don't snap at his band mates."

I rolled my eyes as I wiped away the remnants of her kiss. "How old do you think I am?"

Mrs Young then turned to Nathan and kissed his cheek. "Be good. Feed Gabriella and yourself. Don't let your band members walk all over you."

Nathan smiled and saluted. "No need to worry, Mom. Love you."

"I love you too." With that, she left.

I turned to Nathan. "So, you have a band?"

He nodded. "Right now, we're trying to find our style. It seems to be this weird punk Americana."

I nodded and raised an eyebrow. "I guess I'm just gonna watch you guys work?"

Nathan nodded. "Pretty much. After they leave, we can play video games, read, watch tv, and draw."

I nodded. "Sounds like a plan."

Nathan nodded and we went downstairs.