Vigil **** Chapter Forty-Seven

I had keys to everything at the Orchard and had vowed to do right by Trent. A couple months passed, August brought on the most unbearable Louisiana temperatures. We had only been married going on two months and the chemistry we shared was undeniable, I hadn't saw myself ever leaving my husband. He was truly Heaven sent and we had a connection. Also the bond he had with my children was amazing, they enjoyed his shenanigans, he would hide and scare them. Twalla would always be alert running through the house looking for him to be hiding, Trent said she was a spy like me. I hadn't known what he meant. We made love constantly, but I could always hear Twan and my attention would suddenly become directed elsewhere, Trent started to believe I didn't want to be intimate with him, and became distant in the bedroom. He preferred satisfying me with his mouth, and used it as a tactic. We would just lay naked at times, his erection could drive me crazy and he would not mention sex, but just---lay. I had refused to give in and beg for it because I knew he wanted me to. I would be asleep and feel his mouth between my legs, sometimes I could not differentiate real from fantasy and one morning I called him Twan. I was rubbing his bald fade and could see Twan, I begged for him and wanted him tremendously. I was a pleased woman but still grieving, Trent knew. No matter how much I apologized I could see his hurt and he started just leaving home 4 times a week unannounced rather than 2. I could hear a voicemail through his headset one evening as he checked it, "I just had to check on ya Bud, u had a rough session this time. Ok, just checking. See ya Wednesday!" I wanted to ball up and die, his whole demeanor had changed but his bond was yet certain. I missed his surprise sexual escapades, his warm mouth made me tremble, he was so seductive. Aggravatingly, right on the edge of my release he would get up and leave out of the room. Or climb on me while I slept and seduce my body without penetration and disappear. I would walk around all day and not mention it only because I refused to fall victim to his ruse but I craved him something terrible. Once I could not take it any longer, I aggressively raped my husband. He said since I was so fertile he was careful, we hadn't discussed having babies and he felt like Twan had taken advantage of me with knocking me up so often. Trent said he knew what he was doing, that was his way of marking his territory, "Don't u realize u are so beautiful, who wouldn't?" he said afterward. I was not territory and besides I wanted to give Trent his own children I just had not conceived and felt like it was because he withheld sex. He had some issues and I tried to repair him. When he worried he peeled apples and prayed a lot. It discouraged me because he was not as open as I wanted him to be.

One morning he said he had an appointment, he needed me to go get paperwork for him from the shed at the Orchard in a box that was in the corner and email it to him. He would return home later but needed the shipment quantity count where he was going, and had forgot it the previous weekend. "The one that says Annapolis," he instructed. Obediently, I took the children to Carmella, she had become the babysitter. Trent and Hal were becoming good friends and she would insist on keeping them, she was so in love with Scooter, my twin son. She eventually helped get their birth certificates and when I finally got them their names were Antwan DeShaun Carter II and Hazel Marie Carter Jr. I lost it. Twan had already filed for them some kind of way and I managed to get copies, the originals had been returned somewhere. Also my children had had a pending social security case Pam had opened for 3 of them, my youngest son Deuce whose name was actually Antwan DeShaun Carter II was in question because of Trent. Somehow people thought it was his child and they also looked alike but only because Twan favored Trent alot. I drove to Ethel Louisiana deep in thought talking to Twan, I knew I had to let him go. Twan was not an easy nigga to target and I knew Tobias had thought he wasn't leaving home because I left him with the babies but I figured out he was paranoid. He would not even go to the barber shop.

I arrived, the sun was beaming I began to sweat as soon as I exited the car my husband had bought for the children and I. I was becoming dizzy but with a sincere heart I was giving God credit for not allowing me to seize in advance. I knew I didn't take the meds as I should have but I hadn't had a seizure since I had been with Trent. I knew his love was healing me. I wanted to really erase the past and move on. I made it to the hot shed with intentions to get the whole box and leave but I had so many keys on my ring I had to fumble with them to find the one to open the shed. I inserted a key but as soon as I realized it was the wrong key, the door unlocked. Bewildered as fuck I went inside and spotted the box. I had to tell Trent of the coincidence, the key I buried fit the shed lock! Wow. I walked to the box he instructed me to retrieve the paperwork from but kicked another folded cardboard box underneath, it was covered with mulch as the whole shed floor was. I lifted the box I was sent to look in with every intention to walk out before I passed out ,but when I did I was curious to know what was underneath. I stood the large box up against the wall to find a floor door with a combination pad on it. Something told me to enter 3636 but it didn't give me access so I laid the box down, scattered the mulch and returned to the car drenched in sweat.

I decided to go to my son's grave before I went home, I saw an opportunity without Trent. He would take me from time to time but I wanted to visit alone. I made it to the cemetery, drove along the dirt path to the head stones. I talked to my child and told him I had failed him. I knew Grandma Hazel Mae was taking care of him, and knew she had died because of Daddy. I remembered the day Mama said she would leave him, Grandma Hazel Mae was a burden. That evening she stopped breathing, I was 5. I'd went to let her pinch me and pretend it hurt, as always. She had gotten old, and would sing, "Soon I will be done, with the troubles of this world."

She was cremated so fast upon Daddy's request. Mama got drunk one night and I wondered why she was cooking so late, she said she wanted to surprise Daddy, it was 3 a.m and Lenny Williams blasted throughout the house. "Hey Baby!" She said as I wiped my eyes, I had peed while sleep and was still wet. I smelled food and was hungry, she didn't cook often so when she went to the bathroom and passed out I didn't know she had so I just waited to eat. Daddy came home and went to the kitchen, his plate was in the microwave. "Come on baby girl, I know u want some. It must be my birthday, this bitch done cooked!" We ate and he loved on me as he called it and I went to my room. When she woke up and saw him in the room they argued so loud, she was angry! I went to the living room and saw the top off of the urn and walked to it. Kerri walked in, she had been awakened too, she said "Those are Grandma's ashes, u better put the lid back on before u get in trouble."

There were other people visiting graves also, the sun was going down and it was a pleasant evening to visit loved ones, so when the truck came down the path I thought nothing of it. I heard the door close after the engine shut off but continued talking, I was talking to the child that was taken away from me, he would have been 16 the next day. When I felt Redd's hand on my shoulder I could have jumped out of my skin. I immediately stood from where I sat. The sun rays I blocked distorted my view and I had to look hard to make sure my eyes were not deceiving me. "I been waiting on u so long to come to Boogie's grave, I had gave up. I don't even know why I passed by today but I saw someone sitting on it and knew it had to be u. Give me a hug Bae, I miss u. A nigga so fucked up out here without u." He looked sincere. I hugged him without trying. "Man, I miss us. U so fucking fine Hazel."

I did not even know what to say but I had a feeling if I pissed him off it would not turn out good. "Im glad to see u, lets smoke," he said.

"Nah, Im good," I responded.

"What?! I know u still smoke, I smell it on u." I couldn't deny I didn't. He grabbed my wrist, I was afraid he would break it, his grip had said do what that nigga suggested so I agreed. We got inside of the truck, I didn't even inquire about whose it was. He already had a blunt so he lit it. He drove to a vacant part, "Cops roll through here sometimes," he said before pulling away from the graves. It was so nostalgic, but I was nervous, what did he want? I had let bygones be bygones, I had been through so much because of him. "Well I guess u got away this time," he said.

I was in love with my husband and didn't want Redd to know about Trent, as much as he would go to that park he use to work at I knew he had seen him. I just could not hide the beautiful ring on my hand, he grabbed me again by the wrist, this time my left one and said,"Bitch, Oh u married now?"

I said no, it was just fashion jewelry. "These are real diamonds, what sucker ass nigga u done reeled in, bitch thats my pussy, tell him that." I began to feel for the door latch, his face was distorted, he was about to get abusive. Before I could orchestrate a plan he had hopped out, approached the passenger door and snatched it open. He yanked me around facing him as I fought him, and let the console up behind me in the truck. He forced open my legs and climbed inside violently, trying to get on top of me like he hadn't even cared who saw. We were away from the visitors but I was afraid to scream to get someone's attention. He had ripped my panties while he stood on the ground but they did not come off, they only cut me when he pulled them, and after not being able to get them off he penetrated me with them on, I could feel the lace inside of my vaginal canal. I stared at the interior light, it was still on, the doors were yet open as I laid on the front seat of the truck. He had opened the glove compartment and pulled out a gun, and was holding it to my head. I saw all of my babies at that moment. I closed my eyes waiting for him to fire, his tears were falling on my dress, he just kept going and going and going. He finally came, his semen burned. I was so raw I had a piece of my thong still inside, the rest was around my knee. "Get the fuck out before I send u where that nigga Twan at." He pulled me to the ground, and closed the passenger door, got inside and spun off. I felt the sting of the gravels as they pelleted my face. I could not see anyone, the sun was setting, its orange hue looked like hell, where I laid at. I was so close to the dead, I was in hell. No one came, no one saw, people were going on with their lives, while my time stood still. My phone was in my car, I had only been a couple hundred feet away from it, however I was a zombie now, I was dead but could move around. I got up and walked. I saw the highway, so I walked toward it and kept walking, I heard the car horns and saw them swerve. They cursed and called me crazy bitches, my drawers were hanging off of me, nobody cared. Even if they would have stopped and pretended they had, I still would have known they didn't. I just walked. I came to a makeshift bridge and didn't even have the strength to climb, I just laid underneath. I knew nothing, I just laid there until a dog came and licked me. The owner of the dog and spot said I had to get my own because he was having company soon, I respected his wishes. He asked for a cigarette, I shook my head. He looked at me, patted his pocket and handed me a half of a generic one. I put it to my lips and watched his dirty hands as he blocked the wind and struck the match. The sulfur burned my nostrils but I needed the cigarette. I found my own spot and sat. I watched the sun, come up and go down. The morning it rained I think I was disappointed because I could remember the sun and nothing else, and it hadn't come, it had left me too. When I saw Angela I didn't recognize her. She talked to me but I fought her. About three weeks had passed and George the man that had gave me the cigarette was feeding me and complaining. I kept throwing up, the wild onions were growing and I was always nauseous. "U gotta keep it down, I can't be feeding u the gourmet foods if u are going to waste it! That was from Cheddar's Scratch Kitchen! I scratched for that!" He handed me the bottle of Wild Irish Rose, this will help keep it down." I drank. and he bought another. He had given me his guest mattress and said the baby probably appreciated it. Hell I did. The boxes did not agree with my war wounds. I don't know when I had the seizure but I woke up and saw 15 homeless people that cared. My wedding ring and teardrop diamond earrings were gone but they cared. I knew I was pregnant a month later, and they fed me good on Tuesdays, they could dive to the bottom and get the good scraps. They began to speak about the temperatures dropping soon and told me I needed to find some cover, it would be a rough winter and until Christmas came around, we would have to steal it from clotheslines. I had not left the bridge but I finally had clothes, a man's button down and some slacks George had brought me from the Salvation Army. "If u wanna donate plasma, don't tell them u are pregnant!" I considered. When I turned 3 months I had a Grand Mal, it was freezing cold and I hadn't eaten in a couple days. I continued to drink the whiskey and gin to stay warm. As I slept on my bed one night I heard a familiar voice, Davinda stood over me with a cigarette hanging from her lips, she reached for me, "Girl, everyone is looking for u! Oh God, what happened to u? U are ----pregnant! Oh my God, give me a hug, they just had a vigil for u!"