This was not supposed to happen

I count the hours that separate us from Jace's departure on the fingers of one hand and the more I lower them, the greater the emptiness in my stomach becomes.

I wish I could spend these last moments in his arms as we watch yet another Christmas movie and talk about nonsense, but instead I have to watch the ceiling of the room while the belly calls anything that can be defined as edible.

Liz and I have been abandoned in the silence of a house that has not yet gotten used to the absence of its occupants, partly because our parents have had to return to their respective jobs, partly because Josephine has kidnapped the eldest of her grandchildren, the same that will leave an annihilating void in my heart, as much as in the bedroom in front of mine.

Inevitably, moving the body, I cast a weary glance towards the wide-open door on Jace's blue walls. His posters stare at me, as do the awards he has collected over the years - they have always done so, but lately they seem to be more severe.

And their judgments weigh on my shoulders.

So, with a snort I am convinced that it is better if I go away; I don't want to spoil my mood any more.

With a stroke of the kidneys I lift myself from the mattress and, with ever faster steps, I head towards the kitchen. If I have to be put in awe of objects, then the fridge should highlight my inadequacy, perhaps starting from the usual unbalanced diet that I regularly follow from the moment I crossed the threshold of adolescence.

I'm about to turn inside what is the home set of Catherine's hidden Masterchef when, without warning, the doorbell rings.

My sister, without even giving me the time to realize what is happening, rushes from the living room to the entrance and, before opening, gives herself a quick fix to the rebel hair. From the way she moves, completely oblivious to the presence of someone who could use her attitudes as a basis for annoying jokes, I suppose she was waiting for someone, maybe one of her thousands of Saint Jeremy's friends, the ones with she loves to insult me in rare occasions in which we cross each other in the corridors - and it is perhaps a good and right thing that I do not stop here. If I am normally the moving target of their useless comments, tanned in this way, I could become the focal point of this day at home.

And yet, what comes to my ears, as soon as I open the door of the fridge, is not the myriad of shrill greetings I would have expected, but a more familiar and clearly baritone voice: «Is your brother here?» I hear him ask, so I can't avoid myself to enter in a total state of confusion.

I let go of the handle, looking out again on the doorway.

Despite the dowry denied me of height, Liz's head does not sufficiently cover our guest and, when I realize who it is, the heart can only accelerate its rhythm.

Dressed in dark, with a Nirvana shirt that Charlie gave him, he looks up over my sister's face, finally noticing another presence that, from the expression, would not seem to have expected to meet: mine.

He is beautiful as always, in fact, I would dare to say that after a few days of distance it is even more than usual, but something in his eyes twists my stomach.

Seeing him pouting is nothing new, but this time there is something more, a sort of anger that could hardly be ignored.

«Seth ...?» I greet him, hesitating whether it is the best thing to do or not, but before he can repay or explain to me why he came to our house with that killing spark in his eyes, an another voice thundering behind him, making us all jump - even in this case, recognizing its owner is all too simple.

Jace falls into the scene, pushing his friend inside the building. He growls at him like an animal and, inexorably, Liz and I give ourselves a new gasp.

She goes further and further back, until she reaches me. She is so close to me that partially obscures my view and, moreover, I feel her tremble against my shoulder; only pity that I am not able to find the strength to calm her, too busy to understand what the hell is happening.

Angry Seth is one thing, but another in JJ; he never loses his temper, he doesn't go hard face in front of others. He is sly smiles and warm laughter, thoughtful words and equally measured actions - or at least that's how I always saw him, even if now I almost have doubts.

The scene that we go to paint before our eyes seems unreal, a terrible dream that I had never imagined could take shape, yet it is happening, exactly like an unexpected nightmare.

«What the fuck are you doing here?» Jace barks, as his jaw contracts in a completely unnatural gesture for him. Seeing my brother so altered scares me, makes his connotations too harsh, but one cannot help but notice that even the muscles are stretched almost to the spasm.

The glances that are launched do not promise anything good, it almost seems that at any moment a war has to break out, one of those that will leave no hope for anyone, neither for the losers, nor for the winners.

And I don't know what to do, how to prevent the tragedy.

If the two of them are quarreling, which is very different from the usual squabbles among best friends, something serious must have happened - what, however, is a subject of which I know nothing, neither the origin, nor the development and least of all the end.

Seth suddenly reacts, giving my brother a blow with his open palms, pushing him away.

I see the tension moving their bodies, anger mounting more and more, and consequently I find my heart stuck in my throat, perhaps in an attempt to suffocate me.

«I have come to make some things clear» Morgestern replies after long moments, while it is obvious that he is holding back from punching. I notice it, as Liz does and, out of momentum, she tries to rush towards them, going to the aid of our Jace.

Still, something is not quite right.

My protective instinct against her peeks into what we might call the worst occasion ever and, grabbing her by the shoulder, I pull her behind my back, tightening my grip on her so much that it hurts.

I have to keep my lil sister away from those two at any cost, but at the same time I have to prevent our brother from getting hurt and the house to become a battlefield - because it is obvious that it will go like this.

Meanwhile, the two are shouting things that I don't understand, words that can't take shape in my thoughts. They continue to struggle against each other, stare and incite themselves like mad dogs, and when I think Morgestern is finally on the verge of attacking Jace, I lose track of my body, moving in unison with his tattooed arm.

To be honest, my survival instinct has never been very developed, most of the time it pushed me to do things I regret, like now, for example. Without really realizing it, I behave like the most fearless of the female soldiers, taking a position in this feud that does not involve me.

I hit Jace and I move him a little, even that miserable movement is enough to save him - but you can't say the same about me.

Like a bolt from the blue I perceive the impact of the knuckles against the equally hard bone of the cheekbone and, strangely, I find myself feeling the blow booming all over my face, almost imitating a gong.

The pain comes quickly, it begins to expand on the whole cheek starting from under the eye and stopping near the upper lip. And it hurts, more and more. It almost seems to me that a dozen pins have begun to pierce my skin violently - and I would like not to give in to sobs, but it seems to be a titanic undertaking for a little thing like myself.

Hot tears start running down my face, crashing into the shirt, staining it and testifying against the firmness I tried to demonstrate with this crazy defensive gesture - I'm a fool.

"And it hurts like hell."

Obviously, after the general dismay that lasts just a few seconds, Jace tries to react.

He attempts to get away to repay Seth in the same way, except that when he tries to dodge me with his elbow, I hook myself onto his arm like a mussel: «Stop, damn it!» I shout, using all the air in the body and letting even the neighbors hear the tragedy that cracks my voice.

My brother doesn't give up and neither do I, so every time he tries to move forward, I pull him back.

I have no idea why this is happening, but I'm sure it has to end now. Enough anger, screams, hatred and pain. Stop this stupid war. It is enough to ruin my idyllic world in which Jace is the perfect person and Seth his best friend, and the boy I have been in love with for years and who, rather than hurt us, would disappear from our lives.

Morgestern is shocked and tries to tell me something, to grab and pull me close to him to check the damage, but Liz is faster and like a madwoman starts to scream and shove him away. She shut him without giving the boy time to understand the gravity of the situation, to apologize or otherwise.

My sister does not seem to be in herself; she cries and tries to defend me to the good and better, thus overturning the roles. Wasn't it me that was taking care of her?

Yet there is nothing to do, any new attempt by Seth to approach me is abruptly blocked by Liz or Jace, who turn into personal mastiffs of a girl too busy crying and being stuck to one arm, to take a position in the situation.

Despite this, however, and regardless of the blurred view, I can see in Morgestern's expression all the dismay, fear and resentment he feels towards what has just happened.

I would like to tell him that I know, that we would have a way to forget, but at the same time I feel an inexplicable nausea at the idea of seeing him again in this house. I think it's the scare that tries to talk, the surprise of being hit by someone I've always looked at with so much desire and admiration - or, maybe, I hoped until the last that that punch didn't start and, seeing how it turned out, I could only be disappointed.

Jace growls, throws new threats, swells with anger that does not belong to him. He wants revenge, I feel it from the way his muscles, under his jeans sleeve, are still contracted and ready to dart in the direction of one of his closest friends. But I need him to calm down now, to let him go. I need my brother to turn his head, get rid of all the negativity he has inside and hug me until the pain goes away.

So, seeing Seth's hesitancy beside the door and knowing that all this tragedy will not end until he stays there, I also exhort him: «Go away! Morgestern, go away!»And he frowns, visibly surprised by the request I just made him. Maybe he didn't expect it. Maybe he thought I would give him a chance to explain... who knows. The fact is that now I need peace and he is everything but that.

He bites his lip, holds a grimace, but in the end gives us his back, leaving.