A shadow

Jace holds me tight on the metro car, tries to warm me up in the freezing December evening, while the cold tries to penetrate the layers of fabric and flesh. He keeps his eyes closed and his head back, enjoying the vague feeling of tranquility that permeates the wagon.

It feels strange to feel his chest under the arm, his breath beside the ear; at times it seems a dream that I fear may end - because having him next to me gives me security, he deceives me that bad things cannot happen.

Without warning, his voice breaks the silence between us, bringing my feet back on the ground: «Tell me how things are going» he whispers, opening an eyelid and peering at me.

«What exactly should I talk about?»

My brother shrugs, almost trying to make the speech seem less important, embarrassing or otherwise, than it is. In his expression I fear I can find the answer to the question I just asked, so I avoid turning in his direction and continue to follow the bluish lines that hide under the skin of his hand.

«Are you dating anybody? Or have you made any particular friendships?» He asks, settling himself on the seat. In a dark corner of the mind I feel I should be uncomfortable with this question, but instead, what really worries me is the fact that this curiosity may have come out because of what happened with Seth in the previous weeks; from the fight in Charlie's car, to the night spent at his house.

I look up at the sky, snorting: «What did he tell you?»

«Who?» His expression takes a confused turn, as if he can't really understand what I'm talking about.

«Obviously Seth...»

Suddenly Jace furrows his eyebrows, leaning forward to be able to stare at my face. He seriously seems not to understand and, almost, I doubt that I've made another gaffe.

Was it possible that his was an interest in itself?

«What does he have to do with it?» I really want to ignore the fact that from the tone he used was leaked nervousness, but I can't and, unintentionally, I find myself wondering what's upsetting him so much.

Has something happened that I should know?

Finally I find myself returning his gaze and, arming myself with all possible innocence, I try to exonerate both of us - Seth and I - from the possible suspicions that have begun to fill the mind of the boy next to me.

I smile sadly at him: «Nothing, calm! He only highlighted the fact that I still didn't have a boyfriend, so I thought you were investigating about it, so as to warn the boys to keep an eye on me» I then answer, grabbing the hand that hangs at the end of the arm with which surrounds me.

He scrutinizes my face, investigates every facet of it until finally he is convinced that what I am saying is the truth.

Also because I can hardly tell him that his best friend had the courage to launch me into humiliating sexual comment!

***************

On Christmas day we passed between a discarded present, a healthy eating, albeit rich, and a drink of white wine. We granted ourselves the classic clichés of the occasion, loving each other a little more than usual thanks to the ethanol in the body.

So, after lunch, the nap is a must, but instead of following Jace and Liz to his room, to enjoy a good movie and some dreamy nuances, I spend a few more minutes in the living room, leaving my father's vinyls cuddle our ears.

He, the man from whom I came in the form of a spermatozoid, is slumped in his favorite chair, reading and humming a few pieces by Bob Dylan.

I look at him sideways, while occasionally moving the gaze away from the half puzzle I'm working on. I see so much of my brother in his features, as it seems to me, even if in passing, to see a little of myself in the way he moves his lips or enjoys "Mr Tambourine Man" - perhaps it is from him that Jace's desire to make music was born, which then also influenced me.

«So Jane, plans for these days of vacation?» Jakob asks, looking up from the newspaper he holds in his hands and overlooking Bob's voice.

I pretend not to pay much attention to him, but below I feel a certain pleasure in knowing he is interested in what I do or what I would like to do. Spending almost five days a week out of town he can't always be present, yet when he comes back he tries to be the classic dad everyone wants and should have.

He asks, keeping himself updated. He involves us in discussions of various kinds or leads us out for brunch; occasionally organizes movie nights or short trips to discover the beauties of Great Britain - in short, he is here and, if not physically, at least with the spirit.

I shrug my shoulders and shake my head: «Not really. I am trying to keep up with Jace» I confess, knowing that the connection between me and my brother is a source of pride for the founder of the Raven, especially since he has never been able to share anything like that with someone.

Dad settles the glasses on his nose, now more curious than before: «Just that?»

«Should there be more?» Confused, I let go of the puzzle piece I hold in my hands and don't know where to place it, raising my eyes to the man sitting in front of me. It almost seems like I'm missing something that is very clear to him.

For a moment we remain suspended in a strange silence, time that the man is voluntarily leaving me to reach alone the most appropriate conclusions. Despite this, however, nothing can be found in my mind, not even excess of gray matter.

Perhaps alcohol has stunned me more than it should.

Or maybe the time has come for me to nap too.

«Supposing you haven't managed to make friends yet,» he begins, closing the paper: «which I now believe is a real deficit to you... but a boy? You're always surrounded by men, did anyone ask you out?»

But is everyone in this house coalescing against me?

From grandma to dad, from Jace to my mother, it seems that here they care more about my love life than about real family problems - even if they are very few. Why does no one wonder why my brother is still single? Shouldn't we worry about him before, since he's older and more handsome?

Suddenly I find myself not knowing whether to blush or bawl.

I blinked in a gesture of obvious disbelief: «Aren't you supposed to cheer for my chastity?» It comes naturally to me to ask, unable to work out what is happening at all.

As a rule, according to films, TV shows, books and so on, a father should consider his daughter as the most sacred thing in the world, even becoming jealous of the man with whom she decides to spend time: why is not my case?

Jakob suffocates a laugh because, unlike his wife, he manages to get the thin veil of humor present in the answers I give, but then he immediately tries to get serious and face a speech that I am not sure I want him to give me.

«For heaven's sake, Jane! Do you really think it's so easy for me to tell you things like this? No darling, no... What worries me is certainly not your love life. Later on, the lovers will arrive, the more they'll take, more I will be happy» now the newspaper is left on the table next to the armchair, while dad leans forward to see me better - the view is no longer that of the past.

With the hands he touches the corners of the mouth, taking away the last remnants of the smile.

Now things really seem to be serious.

«When was the last time you made friends?»

«I have friends... Seth and Charlie what have wrong?» The confusion is getting more and more intense and I'm afraid I won't understand where his speech is going to end.

I had always believed that Morgestern and Benton were, all in all, sympathetic to the entire Raven family, but now it almost seems to me that this is not the case, that my father does not find them suitable for his little girl.

«Nothing darling! They are like grandchildren to me» he hastens to say.

So where is the problem?

«Only that they are Jace's friends» he points out in a whisper.

Yes, they are Jace's friends, but mine too.

He met them first thanks to music lessons and school, but they also became fond of me and vice versa.

I bow my head to one side, really trying to read Jakob's thoughts - but he seems to be wearing a helmet that can stop me from discovering what he is hiding.

«Jane, you see... I'm afraid you're living in his shadow. Everything you do is punctuated by your brother's rhythm» he tries to sketch a smile, something that looks terribly stupid now: it's not a sop that I need.

«His friends. His interests. His pastimes. You call him more than anyone else knows him and you are the one who most of all suffers his the absence. Mom and I...» beating the palm of my hand on the table, I interrupt his speech, suddenly overwhelmed by the awareness of what has been said so far and what is still to be said.

I bite my tongue hard, trying to hold back the infinite melancholy that seems to want to attack me by surprise.

I know very well that I've lived chasing Jace's bigger and bigger back, but what I've got now, is what I've earned - if Charlie and Seth didn't like me, they wouldn't have let me stay with them, let alone look after me.

But they do it, constantly.

They involve me.

They teach me what they know between a sip of some drinks and another.

They make me feel protected and well-liked.

"I don't need other people."

«Please don't spoil the day» I ask, visibly upset.

«It's a matter of facing, Jane» he tries to insist, to persuade me.

Suddenly I get up, in my head I have the clear intent to sneak away as soon as possible to be able to go to seek comfort precisely from the one who is the origin of this whole story: «Not now» I blow, knowing that if I had to raise too much he would hear the tremor in the voice. I look down at the puzzle, struggling to support dad's: «I'm fine where I am and as long as it is so I won't need to change» I say with a certain convention, an attitude that doesn't suit me.

I take courage and slide down the side of the table, passing by the decorated tree and coming to the living room doorway.

The old man does not give up and, in order not to let me leave with a bitter taste in his mouth, he gives a little sweetness: «I'm just thinking about your good, your future and the woman you could become if you took your life among the hands».

Yes, we always use this excuse. But my good is really something different from what I have?

I'm about to take the flight of stairs when, like a storm, Jace's footsteps begin to fill the lobby.

He walks briskly on the landing and then starts to go down the steps two by two, optimizing the times and reducing the chances of someone interrupting him.

He makes sure strides, sometimes angry, just like his expression.

«J-» I try to call him, but he walks past me, giving me a grim look, so severe that it blocks his name in mid-throat. It's a knot that blocks salivation and makes questions grow, but I can't talk anymore.

He takes off the coat from the coat rack, regardless of the slaughterhouse that is created while the others fall to the ground along with scarves and bags. He doesn't care about anything, not even how strange his attitude is and, then, he got out slamming the door violently.

What is happening?

Behind me the voice of Jakob thunders: «Do you know how much that door costs?!» but nobody cares; nor to Jace, who has now disappeared beyond the door and the corner of the street, nor to me, who remains forbidden to stare at the ghost of his silhouette.

Seeing him angry, seriously upset, is perhaps one of the rarest things I can remember.

Yet today it is so.