Jace

From the moment I opened my eyes this morning, a single word began to swirl around in my mind: Jace. Four very simple letters that have the sweetest sound that a girl can imagine, but that more often are replaced by JJ, or Jay, just like for me.

I skip the last steps that separate the upper floor from the lower one and, avoiding Catherine, sling out of the front door, finding myself immersed in the sunny driveway surrounded by cyclamens now so dry that looks disturbing.

Radiant, my brother gets out of the taxi that I saw over the pale curtains of my room, making a huge smile.

My heart filled with joy has lead me to him.

As soon as my figure fills his field of vision, a flash of happiness illuminates his eyes and, abandoning his suitcase, spreads his arms, waiting for me to sling into it.

And I don't hesitate.

I cling to him with all the strength I have, trying to see whether it is a dream or not. I groped him by his sides, feeling him choke off a laugh, then filled my nostrils with his familiar scent: Scotch pine smeared with smoke.

It is easy to admit the lack I felt during all this time, I would repeat it to infinity just to convince him not to leave for Paris anymore, but I restrain myself, knowing that his refusal could ruin my mood.

Jace puts his chin on my head, returning the grip.

«I missed you» he whispers softly, in a gesture of intimate affection.

I rub my face on his pale sweater: «Toi aussi» I reply as Liz enters the scene, crushing me between their breasts. Although there may be a relationship of hatred and love between us, when it comes to the first child Raven we can bury the hatchet: who wouldn't do it for him? Our brother has the incredible ability to make peace even the worst enemies, a smile of his can make anyone agree.

So we stay close to each other, trying to tell us dozens of things without opening our mouths.

We become one for a few wonderful minutes and then, to destroy the magic of the moment, the smallest of us gets in the way: «How many days do you stop?» She asks, reminding me that the time to spend with him is limited, maybe too much.

Jace suddenly loosens his grip, tries to free himself from our embrace and retrieve his suitcase, as if he was caught without warning by the same moodiness that now moves in me - after all we have always shared a certain empathy.

He bites his lip, pretending not to find it annoying to answer, then decides to please Liz: «Not much» admits as he approaches our mother and Josephine, thus avoiding looking at the disappointment that takes hold of my expression.

«A week, just to celebrate Christmas and New Year with you» he adds before kissing Catherine on both cheeks.

Seven days are nothing, yet I find myself living them as if they were everything. I haven't seen or touched him for four months, so rather than giving him up again, I make good the little time we can spend together, even if I have to share Jace not only with the family, but also with Seth and Charlie who, of course, will want to spend every evening with us, between a concert by some anonymous band and a drink at the counter of a smoky pub.

*************

As expected, not even a handful of hours after my brother's arrival in London, exactly on Christmas Eve, we find ourselves reunited at the Benton's house, where Molly made us taste the best delicacies that we could have the pleasure of eating during parties.Music fills Charlie's room, the only place where his mother, but also his father, allows him to listen to everything he wants and is different from the Beatles or the Who classics.

The atmosphere seems to be much more welcoming than usual, perhaps because, together with the voice of Morrisey, the singer of the Smiths, to get to my eardrums there are also those of Seth and Jace who, completely deaf to the rock sonatas of the band, are comparing the latest arrivals on the city's underground scene.

«Come on Jay! Don't tell me you like those jocks!» Without realizing I gasp, turning to the couple of friends who smile carefree. For a moment I thought that Morgenstern was addressing me, but when my eyes met his shoulders I realized that no, "Jay" is now someone else.

Yes, because the twisted mind of the spouses Raven wanted both first-genites to have similar names: Jace Jonathan and Jane Jacqueline.

Involuntarily I find myself pushing the incisors into the flesh of the lips, disappointed. It is as if they had suddenly excluded me: my brother too busy giving himself to everyone, not to hurt anyone, and our best friends too busy enjoying the third member of their exclusive clan, the person they would really like to be here instead of the undersigned. Yeah, because in the end I'm just the replacement, the legacy.

Suddenly the door opens and Charlie makes his entrance armed with glasses and a bottle of Coke, since at home he is still not allowed to drink alcohol.

For a single juncture I feel overwhelmed by a kind of happiness, certain that he can be my salvation, but, before realizing it, he gives up everything he has stolen from the kitchen to me, sneaking near his friends. Even Benton has eyes only for Jace.

«I'll let you know a cool group! The day after tomorrow we all go to hear the Black Chains and no stories! Jane likes them too».

"Jane?"

Amazement comes over me and suddenly I don't know what to do. I think it's been years since he last called me that; there were always nicknames to make me feel well-liked, but this time it's different, I really feel like a stranger.

My brother widens his eyelids, then turns in my direction in search of confirmation. I smile so as not to worry him, then I nod: «They're good, the drummer is really talented» and he doesn't seem to notice anything.

Despite my bad mood, I would like him to enjoy these few days at home. As soon as we are used to having him back here with us, everything will return to normal - and then he will leave for Paris again.

«I accept only because my douceur approves them, know it!» First he slaps Charlie, then turns again and winks at me with a veiled complicity. Even, I find myself smiling again, this time because of his interest in me: at least he seems to remember my existence.

The landlord releases his hold on the posters, then turn back towards the bed and here, without compliments, he begins to pour drinks. Seth follows him closely and, regardless of Jace's presence, sits next to me.

Usually he would have given precedence to my brother, but today he doesn't seem to pay attention to the thing, so, despite the grim look of "Jay", he begins to sip Coke a few inches from my shoulder.

«So, old Raven, when do you graduate? We're kinda missing you»

«I still have some tests to give, then we'll see» he replies to Charlie, pulling back a brown lock. His hair has grown longer, giving his harder face even more harmony and highlighting all his beauty - a privilege that our parents have reserved only for him, given how Liz and I have grown.

«Don't tell me you're thinking of doing a master!» Seth says next to me. Involuntarily I find myself staring at him because, since the morning I woke up in his house, we haven't talked to each other yet. It put me so embarrassed that I fell for three days into the boring school routine, ignoring all his messages in group chats.

I leave to the eyes the privilege of covering his profile, passing from the forehead to the eyebrows, sliding along the perfectly straight nose, stroking the lips and... a very unusual detail catches my attention, so I try to sharpen the view. It takes me a few moments to understand that on the pale skin of the neck, just above the hem of the sweatshirt, there is a purplish sign. I look at it, finally giving it an identity: it is a hikey.

And even without thinking, my mind runs to a person I would have preferred not to remember - his girlfriend, Sharon.

Yes, because even if Seth has the reputation of a womanizer, he has girlfriend.

They've been together for two years, despite both letting themselves be charmed by the pleasures of other people's flesh. Every once in a while they fight, making me hope for a final break, but then they make peace and everything starts again.

Morgenstern does not love her, just as she feels nothing but attraction for him, yet they resist, as if they are afraid of not finding a person just as charming and willing to bear their vices.

"Yeah, because even I couldn't do it, despite having a crush on Seth from second grade."

There are things that even love cannot bear, especially when it is one-way.

The boy next to me finally notices my look and, turning his head slightly, smiles at me without having understood why I'm staring at him. Perhaps he will be believing that his comment has saddened me, or maybe he is trying to bring the embarrassment generated during our last meeting back to the surface, who knows...

Then, the urgency to go to the bathroom becomes urgent, so I leave the room with the excuse of peeing.

I need to put space between us.