You wake up from every dream - Part two

As we walked around the block, trying to reach the phantom bus stop that would take us to Camden, my taste buds began to imagine the satisfying taste of Earl Gray which I have been craving with excessive intensity since this morning and which, finally, I'll have.

During the trip then, I tried again to exhort Caroline from saying some nonsense or associating my food cravings with something less appropriate, especially in front of Seth, in order to distract me from the little graceful sounds emitted by the stomach - and she, giggling and grimacing, stirred me more than I wanted. For this reason, now, while the footsteps mingle with thoughts, tangling every few meters less that separates us from the cafeteria, my body becomes more rigid.

The hands rummage in the pockets of the jacket, pulling threads and widening holes that I have not yet decided to close.

Anxiety increases with each stride and suddenly I realize what is about to happen: I will make two wishes come true, those that have only had life in my fantasy. Yes, because I never thought of getting a best friend and a boyfriend in the same period of time and, even less, I thought that one of the two could be the boy for whom, over the years, I soaked the pillow with saliva.

I look up from the tip of my shoes to Caro's smiling face and, looking at her, I feel like I am about to change my mind, so I involuntarily slow down.

She feels a slight tug, so turns her face towards me - she is as confused as I am. There is nothing to be afraid of, yet my legs feel soft. We are not doing anything illegal and prohibited, but nevertheless I feel that something may go wrong.

«What's wrong?»

I bite my lip, ending up staring at the door which, a few meters away, separates us from Seth. Beyond that glass and wood door, on which a wonderful hand-painted writing invites you to enter, there is the pastry shop, as well as the tea room where my boyfriend has been working for almost four years. With Jace and Charlie I went here several times over the course of time, yet I never felt so out of place.

With them it was different, simpler... I guess. When I came to this place flanked by their presence there was not my blatant declaration of being here only and exclusively for him, as is going to happen; it was a form of innocence that now seems to me to have vanished. There is the obviousness of his absence, my need to see him - especially after he stopped us on Saturday night, moving me away a little. Even if I didn't admit it, the disappointed part was certainly bigger than the one solace and I was unable to prevent, during the moments in which I brought up every single moment of that night, to feel a tightness around the heart.

Why, he, who has had all the girl he wanted, has held me back?

«Nothing, it's just that I was thinking... maybe we'll disturb him, don't you think?»

She furrows her eyebrows, completely stopping our advance: «We are customers, darling, we certainly don't go there to disturb him!» She beats her free palm on the belly: «Look, it's from this morning, when we talked about having a snack together, that my stomach is asking for food!»

«Okay, but mayb-» I try to resist, but Caroline could give up everything but sugars.

«Bla-bla-bla! I don't care, Jay. I'm hungry, so I'll go in and introduce myself, what are you doing?»

I remain in doubt for a moment, moving my gaze from the door to her, then back to the entrance.

Why do I worry so much? What's wrong? Whether or not I am his girlfriend, I am here for other reasons, certainly not to distract him from work - I just need to pretend indifference, concentrate on chatting with Caro and everything will be fine, right?

I shake my head: «Yes, it's just a little bit of anxiety... you're the first I introduce him to».

«Here, good!» She says to me, smiling again and taking me arm in arm like an old friend: «Now let's move, 'cause the stomach is clamoring for food» and not just hers, even if at the moment I struggle to understand where hunger ends and agitation begins.

We resume the journey, just as the beating of my heart suddenly accelerates.

Once we'll cross the threshold it will be all official, there will be a third witness to know about him, about us - so I will have to find the courage to tell Liz and Jace too. I have avoided talking to my brother all this time and he, perhaps still angry after our last phone call, has not made who-knows-what effort to show up; just a few messages, but nothing more. If before, ours was a race to who called first, now it is a challenge to who gives last - pity that the stubbornness of the Ravens is a well-known talent.

We cross the threshold accompanied by the tinkling of a bell and, before I know it, we are overwhelmed by the scent of freshly baked pastries, coffee and light fruity aromas.

Yellow and pastel green fill our eyes, while retro lines play with the furnishings and ornaments, deluding us that we are going back in time.

Looking at this place, everything could be said except that a guy like Seth works there, yet he is one of the top waiters and bartenders, and the head in the absence of the owners - two pastry chefs now retired, but still extremely perky and youthful.

Caroline drags me behind her, enchanted by something that takes shape only when we pause on the huge showcase full of colored cakes and pastries of all kinds. Various biscuits and delicacies fix us, giving vent to the symphony of our empty stomachs. They emit deep, then acute rumblings; some are prolonged, others last only a few moments and, thank goodness, she shares this embarrassing musical performance with me.

«Have you seen how wonderful it is?» with an excessively bright spark that worries me in her eyes, she asks me: «Why did you hide this paradise from me?» With her fingers Caroline clings to my jacket, mimicking a failure. Her blond and amaranth headband brushes my face, tickles the skin, widening the laughter that follows her pantomime.

It is a joy to have her near me in moments of such agitation, her lightness makes my anxieties less heavy.

«Please, let's sit down! I need to order» jerking straightens, she resume her walk in search of a free and somewhat secluded table to be able to give us some accomplice chatter - and as she advances along the first room, I find myself looking for Morgenster in every corner of it.

I stare at the faces of the staff, sometimes their backs. They are few and I hurry to identify them, just as at the same speed I understand that there is no trace of Seth among them - yet I am sure he had told me that today he was on duty.

Was there a change of plans? Or...?

I move my eyes to the tip of the patent leather shoes: what if it's a lie?

Suddenly Caro stops and I, too busy to worry on the terrible hypothesis that the mind has formulated, I end up going to bump into her. The impact with her back is more delicate than expected, perhaps because there was very little space to divide us, but it is enough to make me wink and mumble: «Hey!»

She does not react, rather tightens the grip on my fingers.

I open my eyelashes.

«It's him, right?»

When my gaze returns to the room in front of us, the lateral and more secluded one, I find myself feeling the legs lock up like wooden sticks - in their rigidity, however, I feel them fragile, too thin to support the weight of my surprise.

In front of us, with the bust facing the direction from which we came and the sharp profile to observe a customer in the eyes, there is precisely the one we were looking for, the boy for whom we have come a long way and whom I feared to meet, doubtful that this raid would please him.

He has that serious expression that is so good on him, the one that I have often seen lately, while wears the caramel-colored apron of the pastry which, with its square shapes, covers a black shirt whose sleeves are rolled up at the elbows, leaving most of his tattoos visible. One of the arms reaches out to the table he is serving, where, I realize now, two hands hold him tightly - they are brambles with red nails that cling stingily on the flesh.

Yes, that's Seth. And that sitting in front of him is the last person I wanted to see.

I feel strange, almost as if I was losing consciousness of the body.

Why is Sharon here?

The grip on Caroline's fingers becomes painful, I am sure because I feel her phalanges prick under the skin, but she is silent and touches my hand back in a gesture of understanding and support.

We remain stuck on the threshold of the two rooms, staring at the scene in pity and confusion.

Sharon has a frown, a cherry-colored mouth slightly open in an expression of doubt. She doesn't seem to understand something - and looks him straight in the eye, trying and probably managing to enchant him with her undeniable beauty. Suddenly I see her move the lips, say something that I can't hear and least of all interpret. She speaks to Seth in her own way, accomplice - and I would like not to notice it. I'd like to close my eyes and deny myself what I'm seeing, perhaps realizing that it's just a bad dream - but I can't do it.

Caroline realizes the situation without me having to say a word, she has developed a kind of empathy that at this moment I can only thank, so hisses: «Come on, let's go elsewhere» and turns, ready to sneak away and give me a way to explode - because I know I am holding back something catastrophic, I feel it stirring inside. I have no idea what it is, if disappointment, bitterness, despair or anger, I only know that it is there and waiting for the right moment to shatter the fantasies created in the last few days.

It is obvious that there is something outstanding, that Sharon is here to take back what is hers. And how can I blame her? I can't, since I wanted him too. Too bad that she is definitely better than me in a great number of aspects, so her victory over me is almost obvious - when she gets up from that table, Seth will have already decided to break my heart.

The girl next to me turns, moves, and in trying to drag me away, she doesn't notice to hit something. Something that makes noise. Something that clinks and captures the attention of the two that we have observed in silence so far.

Sharon is the first to notice the apparently wrong presence of myself in this place. She identifies me even before I can realize her eyes on me, on the evidently red face that tries to contain the tears.

This time, when her lips move, it is all too easy for me to read the words she says: "Oh, look, there's Jane!" and inevitably I look away to see Seth. I wonder if he would ever have expected to see me here; if my appearance was in his plans. Who knows if he believed this place became safe enough to host his meeting with her; if he thought I would act like any normal person, warning him of my visit.

I see his mouth, the "shit" it spits. I see him shake off the grip of his... ex? Or is she still his girlfriend? So what am I?

With long strides he tries to get closer to us, in his expression the anxiety, the displeasure are evident - it almost seem to go back to the day of our first kiss, of the quarrel with Jace and of the fist on my face, but unlike then, now, I'm too upset to allow him to reach me. Caroline tugs me harder and as he tries to meet us, we move away quickly.

Please, don't let him reach us, I pray my friend, without saying anything. At this moment the throat is too dry to allow the voice to come out, I am totally at the mercy of the shock to realize that I have to swallow. So I cling to her, but if we are held back by education to start running, Seth has the confidence of someone who know this place and its rules, for this reason he can afford to dare - and he reaches us, he touches my shoulder and locks us on the entrance threshold.

As he said, "shit!"