Keeping my promises

A part of me had hoped for it. In a hidden corner I had pleaded that Caroline's steadfastness would avoid this moment, yet Seth has been more imperative than any storm I have ever seen hitting London in recent years. He shook leaves with his big breaths, flooded the streets with his objections and finally made the foundations tremble with his gaze.

I know he tried to remain calm, to maintain a certain demeanor; I saw the effort he made through his contracted jaw, but with each attack of my friend his patience gave way more and more, until he was no longer able to keep his tongue in check. A blade passed flush. A slight and constant pain that convinced her to move away so as not to get too hurt - and I would have liked to go away with her, reach the other side of the road and then walk away, run fast to any place that could make me understand what had happened inside the pastry shop, giving me the opportunity to break.

Because I have a porcelain heart now.

If Morgenstern reached out and touched my chest with his forefinger, it would cause the shards enclosed in the web of cracks to falter. The pieces would fall to the ground rattling and I would realize that in the end we wake up from any dream, even from the most beautiful one.

I look at the toes of the shoes and see the sky reflect on the paintwork - the white clouds that welcomed me out of Saint Jeremy are now big dark patches, threatening the city exactly as Seth threatened Caroline; and how he's doing with me.

The weight of his gaze weighs on me with excessive intensity and I would like to be able to put an end to this situation, to forget, to take away from my head the image of Sharon's fingers on him, the way she looked at him, how she leaned forward to show off her décolleté or full lips. Who knows how many other times she has done it in the past - both near and far from my eyes. I would like to take away the joy, the ecstasy of these weeks to be able not to suffer, yet nothing dissolves, not even the nails that I put in the flesh of my palms so as not to give in to hysteria.

«I should have text you» I hiss suddenly, the voice firmer than I ever expected. Given the whirlwind of exhausting emotions stirring inside me, I would never have imagined that such a neutral, detached tone could come out of my mouth. And I don't even know if this sentence wants to justify something, but it advances from the throat beyond the lips and for now it's enough; I just need to stop the silence, so as to distract the mind from uncomfortable thoughts.

From those hands.

From those fingers that climb up on him, that caress his skin retracing the ink lines, which in all probability Seth has never ever moved away from himself as he did the other evening with me!

I press more and the pain makes me fear the worst. Maybe I cut myself. Maybe the fingernails have etched half-moons of blood in the flesh.

He takes a step forward, I feel the sole of his shoes crawl against the asphalt, distract me from pain with a slight jolt, then his presence becomes impending. «Stop it» he whispers, almost forcing me to look up. Who knows what expression he has, whether he is as tense as before or he is quieter now that Caro is not there. I wonder if by crossing his eyes I will be able to read something inside, or if he will see my weaknesses.

I shake my head, pulling a smile that costs me much more effort than any other gesture, then I allow myself the luxury of raising the face up to his chin.

What am I supposed to stop, exactly?

«Listen, Jay...» he bites his lip, then puts the hands behind the head. And while he moves his gaze to dwell elsewhere, I find the courage to bring mine a little higher. Why even at this moment, while I am sure that the boy I loved is going to tear me to pieces, is he able to charm me? Why would I want to hold on to hope in any way when, from the beginning, I knew there could never be?

«Sharon is here because she wanted to talk to me. She would like to give us another chance».

My heart squeezes, in all probability it has even lost a few beats, thus going into confusion.

How can I blame her?, I wonder, starting to press my palms again.

And how can I blame you if, now, you'll tell me that you agree with her?

If someone compare us, we're like the scarecrow and Dorothy - and obviously I'm not the one wearing the red shoes. No person would be drawn to straw, to a poorly assembled puppet.

Now I bite my tongue. I squeeze it hard. It bleeds.

«Yes, well... I should have expected it» I look away because I realize that at this precise moment looking at him in the face is increasingly tiring, I get so tired that I would like to close my eyes and not reopen them for a while, time that passes the storm.

I shrug my shoulders. More than to show indifference, to be able to shut me in, defending myself from any sentence it will soon come out of his lips.

«What, Jay? What should you have expected?» I feel the annoyance and now he is so close to physically prevent me from leaving. And I fear this compulsion, I fear the fact that in the end, as I should have expected, Jace was right - and I will have to admit it in front of him. I will have to do it when in tears I'll seek his support.

Seth tries to grab my hand, but I withdraw: «This» I snapped before gritting the teeth, «You and her together again». I don't want to be touched, I don't want to collapse in front of his eyes. What would he think seeing me so dominated by the feeling I have for him? What stupid names would he associate with little Jane? Maybe she's a fool, an immature little girl. Maybe I should realize that the real world has nothing to do with that of the books I read or the movies I watch. Maybe...

«Are you stupid?»

My surprise is such that it makes his look like a pale imitation.

Morgenstern frowns, observing me with a confusion that is anything but understandable and then, with momentum and without giving me the opportunity to avoid the contact again, he grabs my wrists, forcing me to look at him in the eyes as a challenge - what I find myself in front, however, are two oceans that I don't know if they want to lull me or drown me.

I stare at him, more and more confused: «Excuse me?»

Seth shakes his head, but his hair is so tight that it doesn't move - it's as fascinating as the other night, but much more lethal.

«Maybe you've missed a few steps in the past weeks» his annoyance leaks from every syllable, but I can't understand what the reason for such a nuisance is - what should I have missed? Why is the matter now focusing on me?

«I made you a promise, Jay» his hands move from the wrists to the face, they surround it with a firmness that worries me and suddenly we are a breath away from each other. I feel his body pressing against mine and, despite the hands I now place between us, we are heat against heat, breath on breath.

Morgenstern's heart throbs against my palm, his back curves to reach my height - he get close because it is obvious that he wants me to feel something, probably the concreteness of what he is about to say.

«I won't break your heart, do you remember? Just as I will try to hold you tight» he blows, touching the tip of my nose with his own; and I don't know where to look, whether to observe the enchanting lips that repeat to me once again this magic formula, subjugating me, or the abysses that he has in place of the pupils.

«I won't go back with Sharon. I would never make you such a evil. And no matter how many times she will text to me or lean here» he smiles slightly, but that slightly that is enough to make me shake: «I will not give up and least of all I will go back, lil raven» while hearing it, however, Jace's words come to mind, his warnings - and fear mounts again. Although I want to believe Seth, because my desire to hold on to him is strong, I find myself pushing him. We move a few centimeters away and our noses are no longer touching each other.

How many lies could he tell me? How large and branched could his subterfuge network be? Because if in friendship I would have no doubts in entrusting myself completely to him, in love it is another story.

«I-I ... how can I believe you? The premises...»

He interrupts me, breaking away definitively. Between us there is once again the space of a span, a chasm that does not help at all my already latent security. My heart still beats at a completely uncoordinated pace, yet I don't know the procedure to follow to make it calm down.

I see the boy in front of me rummaging under his apron. He looks for something and, after a few moments, takes his hands off, holding out his cell phone: «Look at everything you want. Social, messages, calls. It is yours as long as necessary».

I stare at him, incredulous. Is he really leaving me his phone?

Is he really putting between the fingers of a hangman the object in which more secrets are hidden?

I grab his pledge.

Apparently, yes.

And he has no idea what misstep he has taken - because by finding out what he and Sharon have said to each other in the past few weeks, I will also be able to investigate the reason for the quarrel with my brother.

«I don't lie, this time you can trust me» he takes a step back, abandoning his smartphone in my clutches: «When you are done» he makes a vague gesture towards Caroline who, again, stares at us across the street: «you'll give it back to me. I'll be off at six».

I shift my gaze from Seth to what I have in my hand, I stare at the screen.

Why do I start to feel guilty?