Rainy Days 2

The imperial physician finally arrived after what seemed like hours but was no more than 10 minutes. The cramps had gotten worse and I was tightly hugging a pillow. The physician examined me and then had old maids come in to look closer. They all had such grim looks on their faces. My maid servants were whispering in the background making my nerves even worse. I started shaking so bad that Huiqing held my hand through the rest of the examination. I already knew what they were going to say. My child is gone. Then the Empress dowager arrived...so late at night.

"What is the condition of the child?!?" She said as she entered the room. As the matriarch she always shows concern for the next generation first. But she is looking at me with all the real concern. The imperial physician bowed to report "Unfortunately Empress Dowager, Imperial Concubine Li Jing has lost the child." She replied immediately "what? How? You reported a day ago she was healthly and the carriage stable!" Bowing profusely he replied "Please don't anger yourself for your health Empress Dowager. She was in perfect health but it seems a terrible dream has shocked her into losing the child..." Seemingly satisfied with his explanation she made her way to me.

Taking my hand she said "My child this is a great loss and I know it is hard to bare. The best thing is prayer. So I am granting you 3 months of solitary prayer. The peace will heal your heart. I shall take care of the princess and you will take care of you." I am grateful that she has given me the time to heal and grieve out of everyone's view...I feel torn apart by the loss of my child. I just don't understand why...I need the Goddess for guidance. Did I do something wrong?

The next morning the Emperor came for breakfast after hearing the news. The Empress Dowager told him personally but also told him that I need time. So he told me he promised to give me that. I could tell he was filled with grief but was trying to hide it for my sake. Giving me a kiss on the forehead and then taking his leave. Back into the light morning mist of rain. I could finally let the tears fall after he left. I feel so empty even with his kind words. I could tell he was disappointed...I feel like I have lost my chance at becoming his Empress. But that doesn't even matter to me anymore. Putting my hand on my stomach the tears started to fall even harder and so did the rain.

Completely forgetting about praying to the Goddess for guidance. I let myself fall into the deep despair for many weeks, sleeping many days away. Ive cried so much that my eyes have run dry. Through the gossip of the harem I have found out that the Empress Dowager decided the grand promotion of the harem was best. Except I was excluded...maybe my fears have become true. I am no longer the highest ranking lady. I have equals now. It seems that I truly won't become Empress. Also sister Daiyu has gained the Emperors favor as well which i suppose I should take as good news. Sister has long deserved it. But somehow I still can't even feel happy for her.

Today the rain picked up again so I decided to take a walk. I didn't even make it past the large vase of lotus blossoms before Huiqing roughly urged me inside and got me changed into dry clothes. After staring at me with almost unbearable worry she finally said "Young miss you cannot continue like this. You can be mad at me and dismiss me if you would like but I wrote to your mother and she is coming to see you. I'm scared to lose you..." she broke off a started crying into my skirts. At first I was slightly angry, I am a mother so I shouldn't need my mother to pick me up. But I have missed her and maybe that is what I need. I rubbed Huiqing's hair, consoling her and told her not to worry I am thankful for her inviting my mother.

My mother was very worried at the sight of me and spent most of the day making food for me with Huiqing. She also made me help, insisting that working with her hands always helped her heal. We enjoyed a very large late lunch. And she also shared with me some advice. "My dearest I know the loss of a child is hard to bare. I too have lost a few before having your sister. And have lost hope many times but it seemed that I still had luck. You too still have luck and must have faith in the Goddess. She has blessed you and I feel that you have forgotten that and your roots. You must spend the rest of your solitary praying. I feel that this will guide you back" she said to me with a warm smile. "Have faith and hope my dearest. She is always with you. Don't ever forget that." With her words I felt a glimmer of hope. I know she's right...I am blessed. And maybe I have been ungrateful to the Goddess. So I must show my undying devotion.