If Only (78)

Caeli stood dressed in a simple black linen gown with a modest train and neckline, half of her hair pulled from her face by one of the many hair pieces Raven had gifted her.

Bat trounced excitedly, following her to the door.

"Do I look alright?", she asked the creature hesitantly, self-consciously running her hands over the fabric.

Bat wagged his tail happily and she nodded to him in response.

"I think I'll try to walk on my own this time. I'll need to do it tomorrow as well. Might as well find out now before the moment comes and I'm mortified.", Caeli said to the creature.

Bat followed her down the hall and Caeli took time to admire the general cleanliness and beauty of the halls.

She entered the hall to find the long tables full of workers taking their supper.

The staff slowed and quieted at her entrance.

"You've made it, very good my lady.", Einar said, suddenly at her elbow.

She smiled up at him and took his offered arm.

"I hope the walk wasn't too taxing?", Einar asked, leading her to a seat beside Saxum and across from Lynx and Calliope.

Caeli shook her head.

"Not at all, I actually did quite well I think.", she said with a chuckle.

Einar pulled her seat out and pushed it back in as she sat. He took the seat on the other side of her.

"Good evening, angel.", Saxum said to her with a soft smile.

Caeli returned in kind.

"Good evening, my lord. Do you feel refreshed from your nap in the nest?", Caeli asked as food and drink were set in front of her.

Saxum chuckled and turned to have her fill his view.

"As a matter of fact, I do. Thank you for asking.", Saxum replied, blinking his eyes rapidly in an attempt at pretty bashfulness.

"You are insufferable at times, do you know that?", Einar asked coolly.

Saxum gave the butler a wink before turning back to the small woman, watching her as she clumsily used her left hand to feed herself.

"Is everything quite alright?", Saxum asked Caeli quietly, his brow furrowing, concerned that her lack of dexterity and coordination was a symptom of her former state.

Caeli swallowed quickly to explain, her mouth opening as Einar spoke.

"She has been working to switch dominant hands. With which you have greatly improved I see. Very good my lady.", Einar said giving her a warm smile.

Caeli cleared her throat, dislodging a piece of vegetable she had accidentally swallowed down the wrong pipe in her haste.

"Thank you very much. I hope to attend the festival tomorrow as well so I've been practicing.", Caeli said wiggling her brows at the butler in delight.

Einar laughed whole-heartedly.

The sound drew Ravens attention.

He had seen Caeli enter the hall but decided to not approach her right away.

Their friendship was tenuous, he still felt that an appropriate amount of space needed to be maintained when she felt so conflicted and confused.

He had already sought her more often than he had meant to.

It took everything in him not to be at her side since the day they'd gone to the waterfall.

*She is doing just fine. She's back to her old self. Give her some time to process and rest.*, Einar had said to the king firmly.

Of course, Einar was right.

But it didn't make him want to go to her any less.

He watched as she chatted with the others, laughing and only using her left arm.

Her progress had almost come to a halt with the right arm. Raven began to think of ways he could reverse the damage, cast a spell, anything to-

Caeli turned to catch Raven's eye from across the room, the others still excitedly talking around her.

Their gazes met and they watched each other for just a moment before Caeli smiled and gave Raven a small wiggle of her fingers in a wave.

His heart melted and lay in a puddle around his feet.

He gave her a small and slow nod.

He never could recall a moment in which he wished he wasn't the monster he was.

His face, fleshless. Hard and unmoving.

He wanted terribly to smile back, to show her his delight in her small gesture.

He wished he could let her know, in every way, how much happiness she brought him.

The thought of them becoming close, her hands caressing bone instead of flesh and blood, piercing him deeply.

His heart sunk.

If only he weren't a monster.

——————————————————————————

Caeli smiled and waved at Raven, who seemed to be looking in her direction, his head resting on his fist, an index finger bracing his temple.

He gave her an almost imperceptible, and slow nod.

Caeli's heart sunk.

Perhaps he was upset about something.

Perhaps he thought she shouldn't be there with her recent episode by the waterfall.

Her smile fell away and she quickly turned her head to break their gaze.

Why did it hurt so much to think of him not wanting her to be near?

She gave herself an internal shake before turning back to her friends, who were discussing the up and coming festivities.

Caeli finished her meal, at least half of it making it into her mouth, which she considered a success.

She figured, if she did too poorly the next day, she could always abstain from food and eat later in her quarters alone.

She dabbed at her mouth and leaned back in delight, closing her eyes to relish the moment.

Her stomach was full, she was surrounded by good friends, good people. She no longer felt out of place at every turn and interaction.

"Caeli?", Saxum asked.

Her eyes fluttered open, she had become involuntarily drowsy.

She smiled warmly at him.

"Not to worry my lord, only enjoying the moment.", she said, leaning forward.

Saxum stared at the girl silently for a moment.

He marveled at how strange, and perfectly splendid, the small woman was.

He smiled back and chuckled.

"Most people should take a page or two form your book. Maybe then, Dorn and Arolith wouldn't constantly be at each other.", Saxum said glancing toward the kitchen staff who engaged enthusiastically in some sort of debate on the other side of the room.

Caeli chuckled.

"It's all in good fun. Truthfully, I think Dorn sees Arolith like a son. It's rather sweet really. Dorn came to us after losing his family. I think they truly care for each other.", Lynx said with endearment.

A moment later, Dorn pinned Arolith's arm in a wrestling match, all the while Arolith argued that Dorn had cheated somehow.

The four laughed as they witnessed the interaction.

"Good night, everyone.", Raven said from behind Caeli.

Saxum jumped and clasped his chest like a damsel in distress.

"Goddesses above Lucius, knock that off! At every turn, POOF, you are their, silent as the night like some creature. You'll give us all a fright.", Saxum said dramatically.

"You are the only one it will frighten, and seeing as you've bothered my workers, and my guest, at length, I find it to be justifiable and therefore will not stop.", Raven said sweetly.

Saxum huffed and crossed his arms in a pout.

Caeli laughed, and did her best to turn in her chair to see Raven.

"Good night, my lord.", she said with a broad smile, happy that he had come to say hello.

"How are you feeling?", Raven asked Caeli, leaning forward in concern. His face close. Caeli, noticeably unperturbed by the closeness.

She shook her head.

"I'm quite alright. Truly. In fact the walk to the hall was refreshing. As has been the company.", Caeli said nodding to the others.

Raven gave her a nod.

"How would you feel about a walk in the garden? I was on my way there, I could escort you?", Raven said gruffly.

Caeli smiled and nodded.

She bid the others a good Rest and took Raven's arm to exit the castle and make their way to the garden.

They walked quietly past bushes that emitted an extraordinary smell similar to spiced cider.

"It was a memory that triggered my pain that day.", Caeli said in the heavy silence.

Raven was silent a moment before answering.

"Is that something you're willing to share with me?", Raven asked softly.

Caeli's brows rose slightly in surprise.

"Well, of course. I hadn't thought about NOT sharing the information with you. It was a memory of me as an infant. My mother and father were there. As well as a water spirit who seemed to know my parents well.", she said with consternation. "Do you know what the Old Fae are?", she asked.

Raven nodded.

"An extinct race of beings from long ago. A race created by the combining of human and dragon blood lines. The last of them were presumably wiped out at the beginning of the war between Folk and humans. Seen as neither, they were targeted immediately. Each side afraid of their power, afraid that they would choose an opposing side and be an unbeatable weapon for the enemy to utilize.", Raven said sadly, recalling the day.

"Powerful?", Caeli asked.

"The coming together of human and dragon blood resulted in an incredible hybrid effect. Their bodies similar to humans but their magical capabilities immense, more immense than the average Folk by far. They were known for their perception and influence. Many said their magic could bring entire kingdoms to their knees from within. They were said to be able to influence the emotions of those around them, create illusions in their minds to drive them mad, and read their thoughts.", Raven said, taking a seat on the fountains edge. Caeli sat beside him, their knees almost touching, although she didn't seem to notice.

"I heard them talking about "the Old Fae" in my memory. Would there be a reason for that even though they've been gone for so long?", Caeli asked, looking around the garden as she contemplated the possibilities.

"Not that I can think of immediately. Perhaps they were telling a story? The stories of the Old Fae are old, and only a few have been put into written word, but they have always been the most famous amongst Folk. The stories of love and loss, magic and illusions. How much is true, it's difficult to say, I didn't know many of the Old Fae.", Raven said with a shrug.

Caeli's eyes widened and she stared at him.

"You knew some of them? The Old Fae?", Caeli asked in a tone of awe.

Raven chuckled.

"I did. Like I said, not many of them. At the time, I was in a voluntary hibernation for a few centuries. I met a couple before going to sleep. I didn't know that they had disappeared until after I woke up.", he said, glancing at their knees, now only an inch apart form each other.

"Do you recall what they were like?", she asked.

Raven shook his head slowly.

"It's hard to recall, it was so long ago. In general, I remember them being kind and courteous. Graceful and well made. I suppose that's about it.", he said sadly.

Caeli nodded.

"I think it has something to do with what is making me ill. The way my mother said it… like it was familiar. And not in the way you become familiar with things through reading. Like she was talking about… friends. Or maybe a culture that she enjoyed and had researched. There was too much, affection, for it to be so displaced as a simple story being told.", Caeli said, her brows furrowing as she attempted to recall the memory once more, and found herself struggling to do so.

"I'll look into the topic and have whatever we find brought to your quarters. From my understanding, much of what we have would be along the lines of mythology and bedtime stories, but you're welcome to take a look.", Raven said sadly. "I wish I could be of more assistance."

Caeli's brow relaxed and she smiled at the king, shaking her head.

"You've already done so much. I truly am grateful.", she said smiling up at the dragon.

They stared at each other until they both realized they were doing it.

Raven cleared his throat and Caeli turned her gaze to the surrounding trees of the garden.

"You should get some rest. I believe your friends will be here early tomorrow.", Raven said hesitantly.

Caeli's eyes lit up at the mention of her old friends.

"Thank you again for inviting them. I've missed them terribly. I wonder how they have been doing.", Caeli said as she stood and took a step forward, a step away from Raven. Taking her warmth with her.

Raven stood and nodded.

"Along with lord Coruscare.", he said, giving her a sidelong glance as they made their way back to the castle.

"Oh, really?", she said, falling silent.

Her quietness piercing Raven's heart.

"You remember him?", Raven more stated than asked, raising his pitch just in time to make it a question.

Caeli nodded.

"I do. Over the course of some time, I've recalled his visits to my unconscious mind in the past. I've recalled the few instances I was awake and in his care.", she said, watching the ground as they walked.

Raven swallowed hard, waiting, half hoping she'd continue and half dreading what she would say next.

He both wanted, and did not want, to know what had occurred between the two.

After Raven had found Caeli cradled in Coruscares arms in the healing pool, he could deduce how Coruscare felt. But he couldn't be sure of Caeli.

"I hope he has the answers that you seek, Caeli.", Raven said softly.

She turned to meet his gaze and gave him a sad smile.

"Thank you, my lord.", she said as they stepped through the castles doors.

"In the meantime, the seamstress has informed me that your dress will arrive tomorrow, in plenty of time to make adjustments if necessary. She asked me to give you her best as she will be unable to bring the dress herself due to prior obligations.", Raven said as they made their way down the hall to her room.

"She was a very kind woman, and marvelously talented. I hope that is not the last I've seen of her. She seemed quite overjoyed at having been commissioned by you once more.", Caeli said, the comment made before she could restrain herself. The words hanging heavily between them.

*Foolish. What was the point in saying that when you know that it will only result in your own hurt?*, she reprimanded herself internally.

Ravens step faltered but continued.

"She said that, did she?", Raven asked darkly.

"She was quite proud. I am glad you could offer her the opportunity once more.", Caeli said quickly.

*WHAT ARE YOU DOING?*, Caeli screamed to herself inside of her head.

Raven stopped and watched Caeli continue until she stood in front of her bedroom doors a couple feet away.

"Caeli…", Raven started.

Suddenly Caeli's eyes stung and she felt a fool.

"Thank you for escorting me on such a lovely walk. I will see you tomorrow I do believe. Good rest.", she said quickly, virtually throwing herself through the doors and closing them hastily, hoping to abruptly end the interaction.

She leaned carefully against the door and held her breath, waiting for him to knock or call after her.

He did not.

She readied herself for bed and did everything in her power to think of nothing at all.

It was once she laid in bed that her mind won the battle and began to race.

It was the first night in months that she struggled to find sleep.

If only her exhaustion hadn't failed her in the rush of mortifying adrenaline.

If only.