16 regression to the mean

In the last seventeen years of my existence , regression to the mean,was my funda.It was hard .It was torture.But ,I always want it to pass.I reminded myself that ,it would pass.Nothing stays that long.Be it the good,be the bad,but it always pass.

Regression to the mean . Everything moves towards the mean.life keeps things in the mean.When too many good things happen ,there's a strike of grief ,moving you towards the mean.When too many bad things accumulate,the sun rises in your life ,to keep you in the mean.It was a good funda to move on with my life.But , lying on my bed,wide awake ,alone with my thoughts ,I wondered whether ,I was the only exception in this case .

Mom,that word doesn't hurt me anymore.She wasn't a mom anymore,just a mother,like the cliche says,I can also say ,an ovum donor.But ,she provided me with everything.She just neglected me.She never once laid a hand on me.I guess for her , ignorance is bliss.

I was struggling to fight my subconscious to allow the thoughts of Daniel in.He was the only someone who didn't give that look to me.the look of disappointment.I was the best student,but I always got that look .I didn't know what they all wanted.Whatever I did,was never enough for them.I am exhausted fighting.I wonder if he would forget me again ,like my mother did.There again,the banned topic arises,' he '.

Thinking about him is like keeping the wound open.People who could hear my thoughts would definitely wonder ,if I was completely nuts.Hours ago my mother yelled at me for being a Junkee,a druggie.And she never wanted an explanation .She was more than satisfied with my pervert step father's opinion.But here I am in the worst night , thinking about , him,Daniel.Maybe ,I am a masochist,you know, striving in pain and all those stuff.Its just that ,even ,thinking about Daniel is painful,it's kind of a sweet burning.Well..that sounded like I am a masochist.But who cares? If his painful memories can keep me away from my fucked up life,I would hold on to them like they are my lifelines.

There were no dreams for past few days.But I imagined the perfection I saw in him the last time.The orange sky and setting sun ,reflecting on his soft skin,made me wonder ,whether he was a painting.His memories kept me away from the darkness engulfing me.I didn't want to think about my mother or jeff.I wanted it all to be over.I pushed my pillow into a comfortable shape and allowed Daniel to fill my mind. His face, skin, voice,the care ,everything.It was like the waves of ocean.calm and consistant.lulling me to sleep.He is my mean,and I am regressing to him.

It was a room of mirrors surrounding every inch of the space.Scattered mirror pieces was made into murals in the walls.I looked at the wall to see a thousand reflections of me staring back at me.I didn't know this place .I have never been here before.Where is Daniel? I wanted to see him.

I could feel him in this place.There was a feel,that raised goosebumps down my spine.It was not the creepy one.It was the feel I got when he was near me.I walked around the place ,in search of him ,only to see ,each turn I took,leaded to a bigger mirror wall ,and each of those walls had a million me , looking back at me.I felt like yelling loud ,to let me see him.

" Daniel.." I yelled for him.

" Daniel ,where are you. ?" I screamed.I couldn't find him.I wanted to pull out my hairs.I somehow knew he was near me.And each second of me failing to find him ,makes me to pull out my skin.I felt frustrated.A weird sensation was rising inside me.A strange kind of restlessness.I wanted to see him ,hear from him , anything.It felt like he was my oxygen and I needed him to breath the next second.

I didn't know when I started to cry.Tears were falling down my cheeks.I was scared .I was terrified ,of the thought of never finding him ever again.

I had a million reasons to be frightened at the moment.I had a mom ,who don't trust my words waiting for me.I have a pervert stepfather ,who is prying a chance to take advantage of me.I had a dozen bullies in school , waiting for my fall.

I am currently in a place with nothing other than mirrors ,which moulds into more mirrors.I had a million lost faces of mine staring at me in all the walls of this creepy place.I am all alone in the dark ,of this place , except the moonlight reflections from the mirrors.But the only thing that petrified me ,is the thought of the probability of never seeing Daniel again.

yeah ,guys ,I guarantee you.I am a case which goes straight to the mental assylum.Oh,god,even my own subconscious thinks that I am a nutjob.But ,Daniel is like my pinpoint.Without him ,I feel like scattered papers in wind.I feel the salty tears leaking down my face.

" Daniel,where are you?" This time ,it wasn't a scream ,but a half muffled sob that emitted from me.

One of the mirrors shifted into some thing else .There was little breaking sound of the glass.

The relief that emitted in waves from my insides was the result of a unclear voice from the other side of the glass which had the slightest of a crack ," Lilith,I am here."

Daniel's voice.

I slumped down on my knees.I was never ,iny whole life ,was so happy to hear a voice.It kept repeating iny head ." Lilith....Lilith ..lilith.'

fuck..he knew my name.He remembers me.

I wanted to jump like a little girl who got her Christmas present.It felt like my lower abdomen is taking a snowfall.I wanted to roll in the floor laughing.Yeah,I was crazily happy for the first time I remember.

" Daniel..." I screamed .half laughing,half crying.I rushed to the cracked mirror.My reflection stared back at me.She had a red face with a smile on her lips and tears down her cheeks." Daniel..I found you."

I wanted to crack the mirror into pieces. I wanted to see him.It was like a fire in me.I never felt these crazy emotions,this desire for something in my life.It was a pull that was so very strong ,that pushed me to him.I could hear his struggles to reach this side of the mirror.I was beating the mirror with my bare hands.I kicked and kicked to make it crack.My efforts seemed futile.But I was inspired ,to not to stop, because from the other side of the glass ,I could hear his struggles to reach me.The kicks from the other side of the glass was making the crack wider.

I kicked non stop , though my legs felt like it could fall off any minute.The crack became wider enough.Daniel smiled at me .And I felt the smile erupting in my face.It was as if ,all the gifts for the Christmas was only for me.

" Lilith..I missed you." His honey filled voice echoed in the mirror room.

I giggled.It was the only thing I could do .

" wow..."

I could hear a strange sound .It took a minute to realise that it was my sound.I couldn't identify that sound because it was filled with some kind of ecstasy ,for the first time ever.

All the mirrors shattered at once." Lilith...." Daniel's voice echoed in my skull.

" Daniel...." I screamed panting on my bed ,sweat flowing like a river from me.

It took a while to make my heart to beat at its normal pace.It was the middle of the night.I felt strong.A glimpse of Daniel was enough for me to keep fighting.With a resolve I stood up from my bed ,found the disulfiram packets I smuggled in and tiptoed to our kitchen.I deposited a fair amount of them in the beer bottle,jeff his from my mother.

Well,babies,for your information, disulfiram when taken by alcoholics results in extreme undesirable effects like extreme vomitting ,dizziness, hallucinations , mental confusion and postural syncope.

I felt myself smile before I sleep .

And for the first time in history , I have the record of waking happily to hear someone who vomitted and retched in the next room.In this case ,jeff stood with his head into the toilet and my mom consoling him.A little morning sickness doesn't hurt ,right?