Chapter 83: The Inner Coils of Your Mind

Pain can feel like it will never go away, stinging worse than any sting from a bee. It can make itself into vines, strangling the bones of your body when you hold in your feelings—feeling as if it will crush you beneath the weight if you slip up.

Minds can be dangerous, they can be powerful, and they can contain the darkest of oceans along with the brightest of light. The contradicting sides fight aggressively to topple the other, fiercely in battle until one submits or dies. My mind goes into the Ocean, sinking as far as it can to try to drown me. Making me lose air beneath all the water as the words of judgment wrap my throat into a bundle. Suffocating the very life that it contains making sure nothing is left.

Throughout the course of my life, I have tried to stay in that light, tried not to stray too from

it but it has been a challenge. When being compared to, looked down upon, and berated, keeping your head up is harder than it seems. Harder to tolerate even with not having to worry about money, and even with people serving your waking call. It is hard when you don't have many choices to make for yourself, people watching you as if every mistake has been made since your birth. Feeling as if you aren't worthy of the title of an heir, of the money that is supposedly yours. Feeling less than even when you try to better yourself and educate, but still you feel short. Still feel like people will one up you on the knowledge of tea, of your own home. Even with doing something for years, still feel like you know less than a beginner because your confidence in yourself is low, nonexistent even.

Life is more than just a rollercoaster but a series of needles that get sharper with each passing day. Days feel mundane and tears become an endless stream as they don't even help ease the pain anymore. Becoming another nuisance along with your existence.

"Victoria!"

I snap out of my head and focus my eyes on my now irritated mother, her heel tapping waiting for a response as I realize the thought has slipped me. "Victoria." "Yes, mother?" "Continue what you are going to say." I blink back with a gulp, "I've seemed to lose my thought." "Lose your thought?! Were you daydreaming again?! You said you had a question for me and then seemed to lose yourself from the moment. So what you're saying is that it was a waste of time for me to even be here!?!"

I press my hands tight together trying to think of my previous question but nothing really seems to come up, I know I was at tea earlier and the Bellums visited but what after that?

"Victoria snap out of it! I simply asked why you wandered off on your own in the first place." "Wandered off? Oh, the garden…" "Yes, Victoria what else did your Father say, and why were you off by yourself."

I bury my hands in my dress trying to think of the right words to say. I already told her I wandered off so I know she was already upset about that, but what about my Father and his anger? The things he said about Rene'? The Seamstress situation…

"I'm sorry I wandered off I needed a second to myself and I haven't been in the garden in a while so I wanted to see if anything else had grown or changed." Her brows furrowed and she rolled her eyes, "Okay Victoria, I will humor that since I let you speak freely but still answer my question about your father. Do not beat around the bush with me before I get impatient."

"He was angry. He felt like he was nothing but a title and like I couldn't be a daughter to him. He felt like he didn't have any money to his name, as if he was useless and that's the bulk of what I heard."

That's not entirely a lie, "Then he was digging at something, I'm not sure anyone knew he was there but he seemed unhinged almost. Talking out loud to himself, very uncanny."

"Interesting." She clicked her tongue and looked off to the side, "That's really all you heard?" I nodded and my mother smiled, balling her fists and then stomping her heel down hard. "That fucker!! I just hope none of the guests saw him! I mean is he fucking mad??! Trying to ruin our family image! I mean it's bad enough that my daughter apparently walked off from our company but now this disappointment digging around in my garden!"

Her voice elevated with each word making my breath tight, her words so vicious that I'm afraid she might turn on me. Might take her anger out on the person in front of her, her daughter who she berates with each disappointing action. As I brace myself for impact I hear her take a deep inhale, as she chuckles to herself with seeming disbelief.

"Thank you for your honesty, you are dismissed for the day. I have some things of my own that I need to take care of. That soup will be your breakfast for tomorrow."

She stomped away and I sighed, taking a deep breath of my own when she was finally gone. It was like trying to avoid a python, I was sure she was going to strangle me at any second but luckily I was able to avoid death at the last second. Being saved by my father's irritating actions. Thankfully too.

I glance back at the soup for a second before taking off myself, not letting the maids see me as I just went to my room for the rest of the day. It had been such a mind-boggling day along with so much confusion. For example, Sir. Bertram was a kind soul amongst them all and it made me think about my judgment on him.

Not to mention the things my Father said, I know he usually says very frustrating things but it just hurts even more when it involves Rene'. It makes me have more of the question of what happened to her in this mansion and what did my parents cover-up?