Crash

When we got back in school, everything was peachy for the first few days before it got weird again between us. I noticed that since he got back, he has been more absent-minded than ever. He spaces out more often than I remember and during conversations, I find myself repeating what I have just said because he did not hear it. It's making me wonder if he was really done with me as suspected but I'm afraid to ask. I don't know if I'm ready to let go of him at this point but I don't know how long I'm willing to endure this as well. I feel like we are slowly drifting apart.

There are also a few times when he would skip school without telling me why and return the next day saying that he wasn't feeling well or that he had something to do. One day he went back to school and his hair was cut short. On these days he won't pick up my call or just text me "Busy, see you tomorrow." It really makes one wonder does it?

A few days after our exams, we were at his house lounging by the pool and I was just telling him something about Jason but as usual, he was spacing out. I thought he was sleeping but when I looked at him, I saw through his sunglasses that his eyes were open and he was staring at the sky.

"Raiden!" I had to say his name loud to catch his attention. "Is there anything you want to tell me?" I am frustrated at this point.

He sat up and looked at me. Then, he stood up and walked away. Should I follow him or let him be? I decided to wait a few minutes until I calmed down. I don't really want to confront him while I'm about to blow my fuse. I know it won't end well if I do but maybe even if I don't, it still won't end well for me.

When he did not return, I went to go look for him. I found him in his bedroom, sitting on the couch. He looked up at me as I came in and I saw that his eyes were red. There were tears in his eyes and it broke my heart. I think there really is something we need to talk about and I won't take no for an answer this time. I'm not leaving until I get my answers.

"I think there's something you want to tell me." I said as I loomed over him.

"No, I don't. I'm just going through some stuff right now."

That triggered me, "Look Raiden, I don't know what's wrong with you but I just want you to know that I have noticed the changes in you. If something is bothering you, I told you that you can tell me. When you asked me to be in this relationship with you, you also implicitly asked me to be your partner in life and share things with you. I know we're not married but being in a relationship entails honesty and communication. It's not gonna make you less of a man to tell me what's bothering you. I'm not just your girlfriend, I'm also your best friend. At least that's what you are to me." I took a deep breath. "You told me before that you wanted to be with me because you feel at ease with me and you feel that you can tell me anything. Just feel free to let me know if any of that has changed the past few weeks and I'll be glad to back off and give you your old life back." By this time, I'm crying too. I waited for his answer, dreading that he would tell me that he doesn't want to be with me anymore and he wants me to leave him alone.

Contrary to what I was thinking, he hugged me tight by my waist and buried his face in my chest. "No, it's nothing like that. I need you Cassie. I need you with me more than ever right now. I' just don't know how to tell you because I'm scared of losing you."

Is he going to confess about a fling in Europe and he was acting the way he was because he feels guilty about it? Did he meet someone there? These were the first things that popped into my mind.

I pushed him away and sat down beside him. I took his hand in his, "Just tell me and I'll listen. We will get through this, I promise," I looked deeply into his eyes. "I will never leave you Raiden, I love you no matter what."

He took a few moments before he spoke. "I have cancer Cassie. I have known for a while now but we wen't to Europe to see a specialist. They did some tests and it was no better than what the doctors here said. They told me that I only have less than a year to live since it has spread all over. I was hoping the treatments and the meds were working but I guess not." He was looking down as if not wanting to meet my gaze.

"What? How? Why?" I'm so confused. He looked so healthy, why couldn't I tell? In movies, when you have cancer, you lay in bed and look weak and gaunt but my Raiden is so full of life. "Is this a joke? If it is, then I'm telling you it's not funny."

"I wish it was. I was diagnosed with a tumor a little over three years ago and we had it removed. It was astrocytoma. After the surgery, I had radiation therapy for a while and tests came out negative, the tumor was gone. A few months back, I started getting headaches again and I decided to go and get checked and my hunch was right, it came back. They said it's a grade 3 anaplastic astrocytoma and there's no cure because it's advanced, but they can treat it to keep it in check. We went to Europe to get a second opinion because they said that they can't remove it anymore because even though it's in the same place, my brain has changed and it's more dangerous to take it out now. I have started radiation therapy but it's only been a few sessions."

"I'm sure there's a mistake somewhere." I am so close to having a meltdown as I am barely keeping myself together.

"Cassie, Listen to me. My parents and my doctors are doing everything they can and with the technology and clinical trials they have now, I'm sure well find something but I am just preparing you for the worse. You can break up with me if you don't want to be with someone who's dying, I'll understand."

Suddenly I'm not quite sure if what I'm feeling for Raiden is love or pity. I held him close. "You're not dying. You can't die...we're just starting...I just met you..." I trailed on. I can't even think of anything to say right now. "Why would they say you only have a year? What right do they have to tell you that? Look at you, you're healthy, you got this right?" My heart is breaking for him and for me. I have never felt so helpless in my life.

"It's spreading Cassie, that's what the treatments are for. To stop it from spreading everywhere. They said sometimes the cancer responds to treatments and it slows down but so far, it hasn't. If only I didn't stop going to my follow ups. I thought I was better and it was gonna be like that forever. I felt better. If only I haven't been so reckless the past few years. I thought I needed to live my life to the fullest because I almost died and I know that there might be a possibility it will happen again but I didn't know it will be this soon."

"Did your parents know when it first came back? Did you tell them immediately about the headaches?"

"It was my mom who took me to the doctor. I had a very bad episode a few months before we started going out. I was throwing up and I just wanted to hit my head on the wall. When I was diagnosed for the second time, we were already together but I didn't want to tell you because I wasn't sure yet. I thought it would be like last time. I can have surgery and it will just go away but after a few tests, we found out that this one was high grade which means it's spreading faster than before and it's starting to spread to nearby organs." I don't want to let him go now. I just want to keep him in my arms and pray that this is all just a bad dream. Less than a year would mean I won't be spending Christmas with him again this year nor will he be my first kiss again for the new year. It means he might not be attending our graduation next year.

I know it's selfish of me to think that everything I was planning for our future was shattered to pieces. I was planning our lives to be intertwined forever. Going to the same college, getting married and having kids. All those thing are now just a faded dream and it was the last straw for my resolve to break down and I started sobbing. I know I shouldn't in front of him but I can't stop myself. Just this once, I told myself as I cried helplessly while holding on to him. Of all the things to come between us, I would have preferred Taylor because if it was her, I can do something about it. I have a fighting chance of winning Raiden back. We stayed like that for hours. After we had exhausted ourselves from crying, we fell asleep in each other's arms. I assured him that I will be with him, fighting every step of the way.