Reality

The next few weeks was torture. I barely can keep my promise to him that I will be with him every step of the way. His parents had put Raiden on the distance learning program that the school offers. They were traveling all over the country and abroad looking for specialists. If the hospital is nearby, I am able to accompany him but most of them are either out of state or out of the country. Sometimes he would disappear for weeks at a time. The longest was over a month when they went to Asia for a stem cell treatment being offered there. It was a longshot, the doctor said but it might help. When he came back, he looked a lot better than he did the previous months. This gave me some hope. It was already April, my birthday month and I feel like this miracle was a birthday gift for me.

"The doctors said that the tumor cells responded to the treatment better with the help of the stem cells but they still have to observe a few weeks in order to verify." He said as we sat by the den, "I think it��s working because I'm starting to feel like my old self." He smiled.

"I'm so happy to hear that Raiden. I told you we'll find a way." I have been doing my own research and I have been sending him study after study on treatments and clinical trials. I look at him and I feel like someone's squeezing my heart. He's lost a lot of weight, his hair has visibly thinned even though he's maintained the crop and didn't grow it as long as it used to be. You can even see bald patches, hence the baseball cap 24/7. His lips are now pale and whenever I kiss him, they're unusually cold. The only thing that remained from the old Raiden are his vibrant blue eyes. They're still piercing and full of life but you cannot help but notice the dark circles around them.

The improvement was short lived. A few weeks later, he's back to his weak self again. The cancer has spread to his spine now and he is in constant pain. There are times when he cannot even get up and needs to be sedated for hours at a time. We barely go out now. We usually just go to the movies or we sit in the park for a few minutes. He gets tired easily now and he needs a lot of rest too. If only my mom will let me, I will move into his house. My mom nags me about spending too much time there and running myself ragged. I know that she's just looking out for me but I need her to understand.

"Cassie, this is not healthy anymore. You should think of yourself too." She started.

"You just don't understand mom. I'm trying to spend as much time with Raiden as I could. Somehow, I feel that I'm not even doing enough. Don't you remember how you felt when dad was in the hospital? This is that all over again, but this time, he's mine. He's supposed to be mine." I don't know how much time I spend crying in my room. Even Michelle and our other friends would call or come over and ask me to do things with them but I always refuse. Even when Raiden was away, I would just sit in my room researching on ways to help him. They tell me not to give up my life but all I want is for Raiden not to give up his.

By the time his birthday came around in June, he had to be hospitalized. There are times that I look at him and think if he is really the Raiden I have met a year ago. He makes me think of how fragile our life is. How we could be on top of the world at one moment and be six feet underground the next day. Nothing is certain in this life, that's for sure. One moment we were planning our future together and right now I am mourning the loss of that future.

On his birthday, I asked his parents if I can have a few of our friends over to surprise him and I was glad they agreed. It also helped that they have a room at the hospital VIP floor. I didn't even know they had those.

I wanted to make this birthday special so I baked his favorite choco-peanut butter cake and his mom made his favorite pasta. I had about four of his close friends come over and Michelle of course. I was glad his parents can clear their schedules for today as well. I had a blanket made with pictures of us together and a big I heart you in the middle. I just hope he feels well enough today so he doesn't have to be sedated and he can at least enjoy his day.

So after school I went to pick up the flowers and balloons I had ordered. I got him a teddy bear holding a heart, printed a picture of me and made a mask for the bear, that was my gift for him. I sent everyone a group text so that they can wait for me in the lobby. My mom picked up the cake earlier and was already at the hospital with Jason. I do hope Raiden will be pleased with our little surprise.

When I got there, everyone was waiting for me and we all went up. Usually the hospital does not allow a lot of visitors but they made accommodations as per request of Raiden's mom. She was waiting for us in the waiting area of that floor and told us that we were just in time because Raiden has just woken up from his nap.

I held the cake and we lit the candles before we went into the room. His mom brought the flowers, his dad had the balloons and Jason had the bear (which he repeatedly said is ugly and scary). We sang happy birthday softly so as not to disturb the other patients in the floor. The look on his face was pure surprise. Then it was our turn to be surprised because he was mad. "What the hell do you think you're doing? You think I'm happy to be spending my birthday here in this stupid hospital, dying? Does that make everyone happy? Are you here to see me suffer?"

Everyone was quiet. His mom placed the flowers on the table and went closer. She took his hand but he pulled it away, "Cassie thought you would be happy with a surprise visit from your friends so you can celebrate with them."

"I don't want to celebrate. Are you celebrating Cassie? Finally happy that I'm here and I'm almost dead and you finally don't have to take care of me and pretend that you care?"

I felt like I have been slapped. I gave the cake to the nearest person to me and ran away. I went to the stairwell and cried. He's had a few bad moments lately and has been irritable but he was never this rude to me. Michelle was right behind me. She said everyone left except for his parents and my mom and Jason. His parents stayed with him in the room to calm him down and my mom and Jason are in the waiting area waiting for me. I quietly stood up with Michelle's help. She hugged me and that was when I noticed I'm shaking. She had to help me go to my mom. On the way there I saw the nurses whispering to each other while looking at me. I wanted to snap at them too but I just don't have the strength. Maybe this is what a candle feels like when it's about to burn out. When I got in the car, I felt like all the energy has drained from me.Suddenly I feel so tired. I started to wonder if what my mom said before was right. Maybe it's time that I think of myself. Why am I wasting time on Raiden when I have my whole life ahead of me? Maybe it's time I give up on him, but I know I can't do that because I love him still. He is still my world and my everything. I know that I am too young to be saying that but if you have ever loved someone as much as I love him, you will understand. I will give up anything to have those moments back. Those times when we were happy and oblivious to everything around us. I miss us and I want it back so bad.

This part of my life makes me question my it so bad. Why is everyone I love being taken away from me? This is so unfair. I am only 16 but I feel like I'm going through more hardships than most people my age. Most of them usually just worry about whether they will be getting the latest gadget that comes out or if their parents are going to let them dye their hair or get a tattoo. How come I feel that I lose everyone I love and it's only happening to me. When I got home, I got separate texts from both Raiden and his mom. Both apologizing for what happened. I did not reply to Raiden but I told his mom that it was ok. I don't feel like talking to him yet. I think I need to re-evaluate my feelings for him, whether I'm staying with him because I love him or because I pity him. Maybe I need to see a shrink.