Moments

July came and it's my birthday finally Raiden and I have made up and I do try to understand that he is irritable because he's also frustrated and confused with what's going on. His mom is kind enough to include me in their family grief counseling sessions and it has helped shift my perspective with this whole thing. I still have not accepted a lot of things but it is helping me to deal with my feelings and other stuff I'm dealing with at the moment. I realized that I am staying with Raiden because I want to and not because I feel bad about leaving him when he's dying. I tried to stay away for a couple of days after his birthday but I missed him so much I only lasted a day and a half.

When I visited him after his birthday, his face lit up upon seeing me and his smile still made my heart skip a beat or two. Everyday I still pray that I wake up from this nightmare. I cannot imagine waking up to a world without him.

I planned to celebrate my birthday with him and I asked the nurse about his diet. I wanted to make sure that whatever I am preparing is okay for him to eat. I prepared Apple cream smoothies, some pumpkin soup and some buffalo cauliflower bites (instead of buffalo wings) and pasta with summer vegetables. He really can't eat a lot because the treatments make him nauseous most of the time so I only made a little bit of everything. I was glad to see that he tried to eat as much as he could and I even had to tell him to slow down. It was a good day for both of us and I was surprised he even remembered to give me a purple tulip in a cute ceramic pot. There was a card taped to the pot I decided to open it.

"My dearest Cassie,

The past year with you turned my life around and I wish that I can spend eternity with you. But since fate has other plans, I hope you take care of Porky for me. I love you so much and I hope you won't forget about me. Tell our story to your kids if your future husband won't mind and tell them that once upon a time, you were someone's everything. XoXo, Raiden"

"No, I possibly can't take your car. It's simply too much."

"Too late, the transfer papers are in the glove compartment. The keys are under that pot. All you have to do is go to the DMV to finalize everything. It's the only thing I have that I can give."

"Not true. You gave me everything Raiden. What will your parents say? This is ridiculous." I protested some more.

"They wanted you to have it as well." I talked to mom about it and they said it's a great idea."

I hugged him and as usual, he's making me emotional again. "I hate you for making me cry all the time."

"Don't worry, it's almost over. You only have to cry one last time." He said solemnly.

"Don't you ever say that mister! You have clinical trials this week and I'm rooting for you.

The cancer has spread to his other organs and it seems he's never getting out of this hospital because he's just taking one test and treatment after another. Tomorrow, they are flying to Massachusetts for another clinical trial for his case. We are hoping this will help stabilize the cancer cells because the doctors are saying that they are multiplying so fast. Raiden has lost almost half his body weight and he looks like a whole different person. I stayed for as long as the nurses allowed me but once they had sedated him for the night, they asked me to go home as well.

When I got home, Mark was waiting for me in the front steps. I was going to call Catherine and return the keys to the Porsche but I guess it'll have to wait. I was surprised to see him here because it has been ages since he last talked to me, much less, came over to see me.

"What's up? You waiting for Jason?" I asked since I can't think of why he would come over unless to see my brother. In the past few months, it seemed he didn't want to have anything to do with me.

He shook his head and took out a small box beside him that I didn't notice earlier. "Happy Birthday. I thought we can share this.��� It was a chocolate cake from our favorite bakeshop.

I sat beside him and took the box and opened it. "Thanks, I could use some chocolate to boost my mood, I guess." He handed me a fork and kept the other fork for himself.

"How's Patterson, I mean Raiden?" He asked looking and sounding sincere.

"I honestly don't know. He doesn't look okay, there are times when his body is not responding to certain treatments and they have to find alternatives. Tomorrow, he's flying off to some clinical trials again. I feel like we're grasping at straws. There are times when he's in so much pain that I can't even bear to be in the room but I know that I have to put on my brave front for him so he would keep on fighting." My voice broke and I took a bite of the cake to keep myself from crying but a tear started to fall from my eye and I immediately wiped it with the back of my hand. He didn't say anything so I continued, "I just wish we can have more time. I wish I did more to show him how much I care about him. I feel like he was always the one putting more effort into our relationship and it's eating me." My hand was shaking and Mark took the cake box from me and placed it beside him.

He took my hand in his and said, "I'm sure he knows Cassie. He can see how much you love him from the way you have been taking care of him lately. You don't have to feel bad about anything." Somehow, his words comforted me. I was glad he's here right now because he makes me feel like I'm home. I leaned and laid my head on his shoulder and we sat like that for a while without speaking. This is why I love being with Mark before, we can just sit beside each other, doing nothing and yet not feel bored. Some kind of a tacit understanding running between us making us understand each other's moods.

My mom peeked through the front door, "Cassie? Mark? What are you both doing out there? Do you want to come in and have some snacks?" She offered.

"Uh, no, thanks Mrs. Jensen. I just came by to bring a cake for Cassie. I need to get going too if I wanted to catch the last bus." He said as he stood up. Then he turned to me again after picking up the cake. "Happy Birthday again. Enjoy your cake." He handed it to me and he was off before I can even say thank you and I had to yell so he can hear me say thank you all the way in the sidewalk."

I turned to go inside and I can see my mom having that questioning look. I shrugged. I know she's curious because she hasn't seen Mark over for quite sometime too. Unfortunately, I don't have answers for her and her guess is as good as mine.