Taking a Breather

I called Michelle when I got in my room. I asked her if he wanted to hang out tomorrow or the next few days and get some back to school outfits. I need a distraction since Raiden's not gonna be here for the rest of the week.

"Mark texted me earlier this evening asking where you were. I told him that you're probably in the hospital again since you're there everyday. Did he call you?"

"He was actually here, sitting in the front porch when I got home." I told her.

"And?" She's pressing for more details.

"He asked how Raiden's doing and he gave me our favorite cake from that cafe we used to go to."

"Aaand...?" I don't think I satisfied her with my answer.

"Nothing, that was it. We talked for a while about Raiden and then we just sat there quietly until my mom came out and asked if we wanted some snacks.

"Ugh! I thought he finally said something to you!"

"Like what?" Now, I'm curious.

"I dunno. A love confession of some sort."

"Michelle! My boyfriend is dying and this is what you're thinking about?"

"Well, I hate to be insensitive Cas, but you can't just stay single for the rest of your life after Raiden dies."

"Well, I am telling you that you are very insensitive right now. I'm gonna go to sleep."

"Stop being a prude Cas. You don't want to die a virgin, do you? Besides, I heard Mark and Heather broke up over the summer. Heather's been running around with Joshua from St. Mary's."

"Do you know where Raiden's going tomorrow? He's going to this clinical trial in order to see if that can lengthen his life. The past few months have been hell for me, Mitch and I thought you knew that. I'f you're really my friend you shou;d understand how I'm feeling."

"I am your friend that's why I don't want you to waste your life because you're still young."

"Exactly! I am still young so let me grieve and love Raiden for as long as I can. You'll never understand, I guess." There was silence on the other end of the line. Then Michelle spoke, "Sorry Cas, I didn't mean to offend you. I'll see you tomorrow." She said as she hung up.

I feel bad for snapping at her but I get frustrated when people don't see the reason why I am doing this, why I'm staying with Raiden until the end. Just because I'm young does not mean I don't know what loyalty or true love is. I think most adults feel that we are shallow individuals with the attention span of a gold fish.

I lay in bed thinking again. I have been doing this a lot lately since I don't feel like talking to my mom about Raiden. Just like Michelle, she thinks I'm wasting my time and she's not taking my feelings seriously. She hasn't said it explicitly but she would have some side remarks here and there that does imply what she feels about my relationship with Raiden. Everytime I talk to her, I feel frustrated and exhausted because we just keep going around in circles.

The next day, I went over to Michelle's house, still with very low spirits. I sprawled myself on her couch and her dog Fly joined me. Now, I want a dog because they seem to be very comforting but Jason's allergic to them. "I thought you wanted to go shopping?" This was Michelle with a puzzled look in her face while I was sprawled upside down on her couch.

"I dunno, I just want to hibernate right now, sulk with self-pity on the side" I grabbed a pillow and placed it over my face.

"Get up! Get off your lazy ass. We're going out and you can't say no!" She said pulling me off the couch causing me to fall on my back. Fly jumped on me and started licking my face. I guess he thought we were playing. "Eww! Stop it Fly! Get off!" I pushed him off and went to the bathroom to wash my face.

"Let's go!" I said as I emerged from the bathroom.

Maybe getting out and seeing other people outside will be good for me. Maybe I feel depressed because I've been spending most of my time in the hospital. I need new shoes for school anyway since it's starting next week. Also, buying shoes makes me happy, it's my thing.

When we got to the mall, it seems like everyone from school was there doing back to school shopping too. We hung out with some of them for a while but I was glad that nobody mentioned Raiden. You can see pity or awkwardness in their eyes when they look at me and I can tell they want to ask but are just too polite to do so.

As we were leaving, we saw Heather go into one of the accessory stores with Joshua. I guess Mitch was right after all. Should I call Mark later? I guess that was why he went to the house yesterday, because he was depressed with the break up but he wasn't counting on me out-depressing him, if there ever is such a thing. I made a mental note to text him later.

When we got to the mall, it seems like everyone from school was there doing back to school shopping too. We hung out with some of them for a while but I was glad that nobody mentioned Raiden. You can see pity or awkwardness in their eyes when they look at me and I can tell they want to ask but are just too polite to do so.

As we were leaving, we saw Heather go into one of the accessory stores with Joshua. I guess Mitch was right after all. Should I call Mark later? I guess that was why he went to the house yesterday, because he was depressed with the break up but he wasn't counting on me out-depressing him, if there ever is such a thing. I made a mental note to text him later.

Speaking of which, I took out my phone to text Catherine to see how Raiden is doing. I don't know what the test effects would be but usually the treatments make him weak and I don't hear from him for days. I have learned to get updates from his mom instead. I find it better because if she calls and she's calm, it means it went well. Raiden would sometimes lie to me about what he's feeling and it makes me sad. I know he's just doing it so I won't worry but I'd rather know what the real deal is.