Pain

The next few weeks was excruciating for everyone. Raiden was withering away faster than we had expected. It seems that he's not even fighting anymore. Most of the time he's not even conscious and when he is, it feels like he's not even there. Everyday, even in school, I dread getting that call. I would jump everytime I hear my phone make a sound. I barely sleep too. I'm grateful to have Mark and Michelle by my side though because they make sure that I'm still a functioning human being. I think they will even spoon feed me if needed.

One day in History class, the teacher told me to go to the guidance office. I felt the knots in stomach and I felt like throwing up. Is this the day I've been dreading?

When I got there, my mom was there. She hugged me tight, "We need to go to the hospital, Catherine called."

"Is he..." I can't even say it.

"No, but I think he wants to see you."

The fifteen minute drive felt like hours. I ran out of the car as soon as it stopped, straight to his room.

"Raiden..." There were doctors and nurses in his room. He looked at me and smiled.

"Cas," He said weakly. Then he turned to the doctor, "Can I have a moment with her please?"

The doctor signaled for everyone to go out of the room. I went beside his bed and took his swollen arm. "Please tell them I don't want tubes down my throat," he started and I nodded.

"I wanted to tell you that this is the end of the line for me. I can't stand the pain anymore. I want you to know that I love you so much, promise me you'll take care of yourself." He can barely make out the words as he gasped for air.

"I think you need a doctor right now Raiden, stop talking, I'll get someone." I am panicking while he shook his head.

"Please tell Mark that I'm sorry for what I did before. I am truly sorry."

"Mark? What do you mean? What did you do? Why don't you tell him yourself. I'll text him to come over after school."

"Just tell him, please? I know he'll take good care of you when I'm gone. I'm so tired I need to rest now." He closed his eyes and I ran to get the doctors. As it turned out they sedated him because he was in so much pain this morning. I told Catherine that he specifically told me not to intubate him. The doctors said they had to or he won't survive the week. "We will respect his wishes, he's suffering so much already." Catherine said. I hugged her and her steel facade melted. She started sobbing uncontrollably. I stayed with her until Randy came with food and coffee for her. Even his eyes were rimmed with red. They told me, that they decided to just make Raiden's last few days more comfortable for him. "He is in so much agony that sometimes I wish I can share his pain." Randy said. "I never imagined I will see my child suffer like this, not in a million years. I think no parent can ever prepare to do so."

I held their hands as we sat in the waiting area. I just met Raiden a year ago and I am feeling inexplicable pain, what more, these parents who bore him and took care of him all these years. I cannot even imagine what they are going through right now. When I lost my day I felt like a part of me died with him, like a black hole has opened up inside me. Now, I am feeling that all over again and I agree with Randy that nothing can prepare you for this. My mom arrived with more coffee and I was surprised when she offered me one. I stood up and hugged her. I don't know if I could ever stop crying. We spent hours just sitting there and bringing each other comfort.

I didn't want to go home tonight. I wanted to stay in the hospital but the adults ordered me to. "Get some sleep Cassie," Catherine said. "Take care of yourself because we don't want you to get sick too." I grudgingly obliged and finally let my mom drag me away.

In the car, "Can I skip school tomorrow mom? I don't think I can focus anyway." She nodded.

"I'll call the office tomorrow and tell them you're not feeling well."

"Thanks." I said quietly.

"Look Cas, I know that you love Raiden so much but you need to take care of yourself too. You look like hell. You lost so much weight, the circles in your eyes are bigger than a raccoon's, you barely eat. I cannot lose you too, honey." I can see sadness in her eyes and hear the concern in her voice.

"Sorry mom. I'll try to do better starting tonight."

When we got home, she put the kettle on. "I think you need a cup of good chamomile and lavender tea to make you sleep." I sat on the kitchen counter and waited. A few minutes after my stomach started grumbling and I realized I haven't eaten dinner yet. I think my mom heard too.

"Would you like me to heat up some of the leftover casserole from last night?" I nodded.