1: I’m Sorry & Thank You

I was finally coming to terms with who I was. I finally figured out what I wanted and sadly, you were collateral damage among my findings. I somehow thought that me not cheating or indulging in my newfound truth absolved me from any responsibility of hurting you.

But I was wrong. You were a boy in love with a girl who could never reciprocate the feelings you had for her. But you gotta understand that I didn't jump into the situation knowing I was gay. It sounds bad but it took me being in a relationship with you in order for me to find myself.

I internalized and suppressed my feelings prior to us even being together because I genuinely thought I was different. The difference weighed so heavily it grew into self-loathing and the only way I could survive that part of my life was adhering to the expectations of a heterosexual relationship.

I was glad that when I told you.. you accepted me. You claimed to have known from the awkward and defensive reactions I'd have when you attempted to make intimate contact with my skin. A year and some change you put up with this & still managed to wish me well.

When I found out you and one of my 'friends' kissed I was emotionless and unbothered. I kept you because I wanted to uphold my charade. I drop her knowing I'd never be on the receiving end of her lips!

She was quite easy to let go. You on the other hand not so much — you were apart of my normal and despite being a selfish asshole , I feel as though we needed each other. We were friends with a title neither one of us should have claimed..

We remained close friends until you left me sooner than expected. After I came out you transitioned from my friend to my guardian angel.  You shielded me from the close-minded assholes of a small East Texas town. And while I went on to pursue my academic endeavors we stayed in touch and linked up often. You absorbed my woes all while being consumed with your own.

I honestly thought I could NEVER repay you for the kindness, friendship, acceptance and compassion you showed me throughout our time of knowing one another. But when you called me about your woes, I was honored to help you out. As you got back on your feet and my small college town associated us as being brother and sister, I was content. We were in a good blissful place. So, when you met her I thought: "my boy found his light at the the end of the tunnel". Ultimately, she turned out to be a mirage. A wolf in sheep's clothing.

She was all aesthetics.  No substance. She lured you in with the illusion of her being someone worth fighting for.. but she was a distraction. A decoy to try to knock you off your square.

My awareness of your blindspot intimidated her. She was so threatened by my presence in your life that you ran after her that night me and her got into it. That awful night that stripped me down to nothing. You were a good guy. A loyal, trusting, genuinely good guy and you didn't deserve to be taken the way that you did.

All the lessons you ever preached.. it was hard but Im finally taking heed to em. You were so big on forgiveness —  you deliberately practiced it in every situation. You never folded. To uphold your virtue of forgiving.. I've chosen to forgive her — For you. Neither one of us were aware of her true colors/intensions.. but Im content in knowing she will never hurt another person again. And Ive found solace as well as an immense amount of gratitude for having you in my life.

Friendship. Acceptance. Loyalty. Respect. Trust. — these are the things you gifted me and I will be forever in your debt!

RestInPeace T.C. — iLYB ❤️🙏🏾🐐