6: Farewell & Goodbye

I met someone. CORRECTION: I met someone and got submerged in her chaos. Her intellect was undoubtedly the first thing that captivated me. I mean sure, she's beautiful but finding someone who reads Chaucer, quote Baldwin, Angelou, FS Fitzgerald and other amazing literary minds, all while being able to argue any side of a political debate objectively is hard to find. But I've come to realize that all good things must come to an end .. not because we want them to but because we need to.

This was the first time we ever had class together. Over a year into our graduate program and this was the first time I laid eyes on you. Given the circumstances of having to transition from in- person classes to online classes changed my entire outlook. And to see a bookshelf with books staggered let me know you've read them.. they're not decorations or collections of books that were 'in season'. You expanded your mind and perspective intentionally.

So when I side IM'd you about the Baldwin book .. it surprised me that you replied with interest. It sparked our courtship. We exchanged numbers and found out we live relatively close to one another. As typical lesbians relationships go we rushed and got caught up in one another fast. We brought everything but our families and a U-Haul.. lol 😂

I knew things were a bit too good to be true when you never wanted to talk to me in front of your family. And me asking to meet them was completely out of question. I assumed, incorrectly I might add, that they didn't agree with you being gay. But to my surprise it was because they don't like African Americans. The worst part about it was how I found out. You could've easily expressed your parents prejudice towards people who look like me — but you orchestrated an entire encounter and blindsided me.

Purposefully inviting me to an outing without knowing how your parents are created a barrier that would forever hinder our relationship. I can't honestly say that I love or loved you.. but we were building up to that. I enjoyed listening to the long winded stories about your day and I accepted your indecisiveness when I'd ask you: "what would you like to eat for lunch/dinner", and I looked forward to trying your homemade meals, with the hopes of you finding your 'signature dish' considering the fact that you couldn't boil water (but tried anyway).. lol.

You were at the time, exactly what I thought I wanted. Even after the horrific incident meeting your parents we tried to make it work. But a relationship with me shouldn't be collateral damage to your relationship with your family. But if I'm being honest, this had more to do with me than them - you would later resent me and the sacrifice of you choosing me over your family would hover over us - hover over me. And that's just too big of a burden for me to carry.

We'd argue over everything. And my refusal to introduce you to my parents after your failed attempt to introduce me to your parents was only because I knew this is what would become of us. In that moment after being sized up and low-key berated -- we were done. The early assumption I made about them not being okay with you being gay was integrated in their sermon.

We just prolonged the inevitable. But what burned the fuse even faster was in those heated arguments. Were you'd regurgitate and spew similar microaggressions -- were you sounded just like them: your parents. So, I urge you to become more cognizant of what you say -- because saying things when you are angry or frustrated doesn't fully depict your truth -- it's a way of externalizing your pain and expressing your feelings and ONLY accounts for that moment.

Dating you was an experience. Not one that I thought I'd encounter in 2020/2021 but an experience none the less. And no hard feelings.. I have a feeling I'm going to have date a lot of princesses before I find my QUEEN. But hey, I wish you well and as our graduation approaches I wish you the best on your upcoming ventures & pursuits.

Unregretful,

Cole.