Chapter 9.9

When I returned to the children's centre there was a fresh pile of paper and pencils on my usual table. The woman at the front glanced up with a hint of a smile on her lips, then went back to reading. It seemed like she forgave me for writing on her table.

I'd been so preoccupied with my thoughts that at first, I didn't notice there was a boy standing next to my table, when I looked at him, he leaned in, trying to see my face. "Hey new kid, what's wrong with you?" he sounded a bit angry, but I didn't know what I'd done.

"Wrong with me?" I repeated, was there something wrong with the way I was sitting? Was I not meant to sit here? But I always sat here, and nothing was said before.

"Yeah, why are you sitting like that, all alone?"

"Does it matter?" I asked, genuinely. Did it matter that I was alone?

He scowled at me, "you're weird. Where did you get those marks from?" he pointed at the bandages still wrapped around various parts of my body and sticking out from under my clothes.

"I was caught in a landmine." I explained, I just had to be honest, didn't I? If I wanted to get along with him, I didn't want to lie. But maybe it would have been better if I did?

"One of the adults said that you come from their side, is that true?"

"Their side?" I asked, perplexed by where this conversation was going, but he was the first child to approach me since the girl the other night, which I have a feeling didn't go so well, so I kept up with his little game.

"Yeah. Garlantia." He hissed with hate rolling off each of his words.

"Yeah." I answer simply.

His eyes widened with shock, "did you kill people?"

I started to get a feeling that the conversation was going in a dangerous direction, reluctantly I answered "yeah."

Suddenly I was struck with strong murderous intent, his eyes narrowed with anger, and he rushed at me, his fist up and aiming for my head. My survival instinct took over, and I rose, slightly lopsided on the cast, grabbed his incoming fist and twisted it underneath me. I was used to much larger men, so I put my entire weight into my movements, and trapped him underneath me, until he calls out.

"Stop! Let go of me! it hurts!" he yelled, his tears dripping onto the table below. The entire room stopped and stared at us- at me.

"Let him go!" one of the other children shouted, and I was surrounded by hostility, anger and fear- I was surrounded by enemies. Even though that boy didn't lay a finger on me, pangs of pain twisted in my stomach as I dropped my hand and released him. But still the silence continued, and those baring eyes bore into me, scorching me from the inside. I felt trapped by those eyes, and I needed to get out, but while my mind screamed at me to run, my body froze, then it shook uncontrollably before my legs give out under me and I stumble to the ground.

Monster. Killer. Murderer. Savage. Even though their mouths don't move, those word rise in my head, as if hearing their thoughts. I knew that what they must think of me, and they're probably right. Luke must see it now, that I can't be one of those kids, I can't follow his rules. I'm… Broken.

"Everyone clear out! Early lunch!" I hear Luke voice appear behind me, but I can't meet him in the eye. I promised him, he, who became my god, and I broke that promise just after it was made.

Another adult rushes past to tend to the boy I assaulted, they put comforting arms around him and lead the crying boy out the back exit. Then it was just us, as the last of the other children follow through to the canteen.

He placed his arms around me and pulled me into an embrace. Why is he doing that? What is this? "It's okay." He soothed, and I realised it was because I was still shivering. But with his embrace that shivering turns to shuddering and my entire body is quaking. Then I start to sob, and I think to myself, why am I crying? That boy couldn't have hurt me, neither could any of the other children, so why am I so terrified? Why am I crying? Why is it that I could face an entire group of armed enemies, but this terrified me so much?

"I'm sorry… Sorry… Sorry…" my voice trembles, what am I saying?

"It's okay." He hushes, and I sob into his clothes.

"I tried… I just cant do it… I'm just a monster…" I bawled.

"You're not a monster, you're just seen a lot of horrible things."

"I hurt people… I just can't stop…" I clung onto his shirt as if it was my lifeline, I clung to it because I couldn't meet his eye.

"Don't worry, you didn't really hurt him you just scared him." He comforted.

"Not just him…"

"Come on, I'll take you somewhere else." He says and his lifts me with those strong arms and I cling to him; I felt like a child, I felt so small and weak. The walls in my mind were tumbling down at a rate that I couldn't control, I was falling apart, and I don't know if wanted to put myself back together again, or even if I could. It would be easier to just stop… Slowly my grip loosened, and everything started to fade and grow numb. I didn't want to feel anything anymore. Vaguely I remember falling backwards as the man snatched at me, and although he grabbed my body, I kept falling…

The sky was red. I remember this place. It was where Shadow lived. I search the treeline, and within a few moments I can see him emerging from the forest. Although I couldn't really speak to him, I didn't feel as alone here. Shadow, who had been through everything with me, who knew the horrors of what I'd done and the things we'd seen, brought me comfort. We both sat at the edge of the tree line, watching over the seaweed grass sway in the gentle wind and little shadow creatures scurry about around us. His oversized form sitting crossed legged next to me was almost comical and almost instantly, I was calm.

"I don't want to leave." I said to him.

He stayed silent, but I knew what he was thinking. I didn't belong here.

"It's not fair." I whispered, but immediately regretted the words. How could I even say that? Fairness had nothing to do with it.

Regardless, I both loved and envied this peaceful world. But its only a dream. After a while, I was dozing, if it was possible to doze within a dream. But with the comfort of this calm world surrounding me, and with Shadow next to me, I fell asleep.