Four.

"Watch out, nerd." A fellow student mutters to me, their shoulders slamming into mine as they rush to get to the canteen. I'm not bullied in school, I'm simply . . . glanced over by everyone. I fade into the shadows, nobody really knows me. I'm the person you see walking the corridors and you question whether you've ever really seen them before.

"Thanks." I mutter back in response but they've already disappeared into the crowds of starving teenagers, their mind occupied by the idea of food. I pull out the apple from inside my bag and take a bite of it, the crunch of it echoing through my ears. Whilst chewing through the flesh, I glance around for somewhere to sit. Usually I can find a spare stool by the window that isn't occupied but today, every seat seems to be full. I sigh and hoist my bag over my shoulder, heading for my second option.

The bathroom.

It's deserted and once you overlook the faint scent of musk permanently lingering in the air, it's slightly comforting. I like to be confined in my own stall, the walls are a comfort around me. I drop the toilet seat before sitting on it and continue eating my apple. Inside my jean pocket, I feel my phone buzz twice. I fish it out, noticing Cole James' name pop up on my screen.

Cole James: How are you doing today Aspyn Leigh?

I pause and think about giving him the generic answer, that I'm fine. The truth is, I'm exhausted. Exhausted from spending the night wide awake as I listen to my parents argue, both of them on the brink of a mental breakdown. I sometimes feel myself fade away, staring up at the ceiling for hours before I finally snap out of it.

Aspyn Leigh: Tired.

Cole James: Rough night?

Aspyn Leigh: Rough life. Does it ever end? Will it ever feel better?

Without realising it, I feel the heavy pressure of tears building up inside my eyes. I blink them away, clearing my vision. I don't cry in school, I never have done. There's something about being hidden inside this dirty toilet cubicle whilst messaging Cole James that breaks down my walls. I'm curios to read his response so I stare at my screen, waiting for the notification to pop up —

Cole James: If it gets any better for me, I'll let you know.

I feel my heart clench inside my body, my brain muddled with a thousand questions.

Does Cole James have something happening in his life?

Something that can make him so detached like I've become?

Aspyn Leigh: If it's any comfort to you, you can always talk to me. I won't breathe a word to a single soul.

Cole James: I'm grateful for your friendship. The offer stands for you too Aspyn Leigh, I'm a mere click away if you ever need me.

Something inside of me clicks.

A beating of my heart, a churn of my stomach. His words have a bigger impact on me than I thought they would. Cole James offered to be my friend in case I ever need him. Like I said before, I don't ever cry in school. However in that moment, a single tear escapes my eye and slides down my cheek. I don't make the effort to wipe it away, I wait and feel it slide down my neck causing it to grow sticky and uncomfortable.

Aspyn Leigh: Thank you.

I hope he senses my gratitude behind those words when I send it to him. I imagine him sitting somewhere, phone or laptop in hand as he smiles at my response.

*****

I stand in the doorway of my room, glancing around at the bare walls and bland personality it holds. My room is a reflection of me, I have no identity. No personality. No hobbies or interests.

I feel like a presence floating through day to day life, waiting for the moment where someone or something will make me feel alive. I've never felt excitement or a spark of adrenaline. I don't know what it feels like to love the moment you're in.

When Cole James asks me how I'm doing again that evening, that's what I tell him. I tell him how empty I feel, purposeless.

Cole James: That feeling won't last forever Aspyn Leigh. You're simply surrounded by dumb fuck humans that you can't connect with. One day, you'll find your spark, you'll find the real you.

As I read his words, I let out a humoured scoff. Dumb fuck humans. Cole James sure does have a way with words. I can't deny the fact that his words cheered me up, gave me hope that I won't remain like this forever.

Aspyn Leigh: So far Cole James, you're my favourite dumb fuck human.

I send the message in hopes that Cole James will understand my sense of humour. When my phone pings with a message, I smile giddily at my screen —

Cole James: Haha, you crack me up. I'm not a dumb fuck human, I'm the only one you actually have a connection with, Aspyn Leigh. Admit it, go on.

Aspyn Leigh: I'll never admit anything. I guess you'll never find out whether we have a connection or not, Cole James.

Cole James: I'm bunking school tomorrow. What if I hop on the train and we can hang? That way, I'll know for sure whether I'm just another dumb fuck human to you.

My heart flutters inside my chest. This is the first time Cole James has asked or even hinted at us meeting one another in real life. The safety and security from texting him is suddenly jeopardised and I feel my breathing hitch in my throat.

Can I do this? Meet Cole James?

I picture his smiling face and try to imagine seeing him in person. What would I say? Before I can think any further, Cole James messages me again.

Cole James: Have I freaked you out? It's totally cool if you don't want to bunk school with me, nerd (;

Another small laugh escapes my mouth and I shake my head, biting hard into my lower lip. Without putting anymore thought into it, I agree to meet Cole James at a train station. If anything, I'm fuelled by his teasing words stating I'm afraid to skip school. I take it as a challenge, prove to Cole James that I'm not afraid to bend the rules.

That's how I end up sending him a message back, asking for a time and location.