Anju Khanna 12

She runs through the hallways and, at the end, she enters the bathroom.

I follow her, and there are some girls who are whispering to themselves, but, when they notice me, they shut up.

"Have you seen Yuri Okabe?"

They point at the last cubicle.

I walk towards it and stop in front of the door.

There's someone inside—presumably Yuri Okabe—who's sobbing. I stay quiet. Again, I have no words to comfort her. Even my strategy of buying her something in order to make her feel better would be an utter failure because we would need to go back to the cafeteria and probably find Yuri Okabe's friends there once again.

The only thing I can do for now is to stay here.

Or maybe she just wants to be alone, and I'm just annoying her with my presence?

Yeah, the other girls are leaving now, so that's probably it.

They leave the bathroom, and the door closes behind them. I follow them and:

"Is there someone else here?" Yuri Okabe asks.

"Just us," I tell her after checking the remaining cubicles.

"Finally," she says and opens the cubicle's door. Her eyes are red and tears are still running through her cheeks. "Five minutes haven't passed, and I'm crying again. And in the bathroom, of all places. You must think I'm a fuckin' weirdo or a drama queen that was everything and still complains about it."

"No, I've already told you your cries are quite understandable," I tell her. "Besides, the fact you've chosen the bathroom to cry is equally understandable; people often use the bathroom to release fluids."

"Ew," she says.

"Maybe, but that's what the bathroom's for. In fact, crying in any other place seems less logical and more uncomfortable."

Yuri turns towards me and smiles at me for a moment; she then looks down. She seems thoughtful.

Should I tell her something else?

But if I tell her something just to avoid being silent I run the risk of saying something inappropriate.

So should I stay quiet, then?

Maybe not, but what should I say to her?

Well, she said some stuff to her friends before running away from the cafeteria.

Maybe she wants to talk about it.

"Heym" I tell her, "before running away from the cafeteria, you said some stuff to your friends. Do you want to talk about it?"

"They were never my friends, they just took advantage of me and pressured me to do whatever they wanted, because that's what everyone has always done, and everyone has a different perception of me, and the problem is that I can't be anyone of those 'cause I'm just me, and me's never enough, and 'why can't you be more like your sister,' 'why can't you be more like me when I was your age' and," she gets close to me, puts her face in my chest and, "AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!"

Ok. It seems I said something inappropriate.

From now on I shouldn't call Yuri Okabe's friends Yuri Okabe's friends. Noted.

But she just said everyone's pressuring her.

Maybe she wants to talk more about it.

"Hey," I say, "you just said everyone's pressuring you. Do you want to talk about it?"

"No," she says with her face still in my chest.

Now what can I do?

Maybe I should find another topic of conversation, but, from what she just said before she started shouting all over my chest, it's obvious she wants to talk more about it.

"Are you sure?" I ask her. "From what you just said before she started shouting all over my chest, it's obvious you wants to talk more about it."

"No, I don't."

Now what can I do?

Maybe I should find another topic of conversation, but, as I said, it's obvious she wants to talk more about it, and if she does, she'll probably feel better.

Besides, I'm not going to judge her or anything.

"If you talk about it, you'll probably feel better. Besides, I'm not going to judge you or anything."

"Stop pressuring me!" she raises her head and yells at me.

"I'm sorry," I respond. "It's just that I don't know how to confort anyone, especially you because I don't understand why do people pressure you to be someone else, that's absurd. The fact society pressures us all to follow the same life scheme—born, study, get a job, get married, have kids, have grandkids, die—is utterly absurd because that completely ignores the individual. Not everyone want or can live that way, and probably most people will say the want it just to fit in, and they'll probably end up doing it just because that's what they're supposed to do. The fact people judge your life depending solely on how well you have attached to a prefabricated life template is as empty as absurd. Everyone's different, everyone must have their own goals and follow them at their own pace. You live your own life and live it at your own pace, Yuri Okabe.

Yuri Okabe looks at me stunned for a few moments.

And then she hugs me and cries her heart out.

Did I say something wrong?

Maybe I should think about what I'm going to say before I say it.

Well, what's done is done, but maybe I should stop talking from now on.

And maybe the only way I have to comfort her right now is to hug her back. So I put my arms around her, I rest my hand on her back and pat it a little.

She sobs from time to time.

Maybe is the oxytocin talking but hugs really are comforting.

She's so warm.

So soft.

So fragile.

She smells so good, like expensive perfum.

I feel I have to confort her, protect her and stay by her side.

Maybe this is why Izumi-san's constantly hugging Hamano-san.

And why don't people hug each other more often?

Maybe they do, and it's just that they don't hug me.

"Khanna-san?"

And why would they do it? When have I given someone a reason to hug me? But what are those reasons I have to give them, in the first place? If no one hugs me is because no one likes me.

"Khanna-san, you can let me go now."

And how am I supposed to like them if I don't know what that means? Besides, the fact hugs liberate endorphins and oxytocin should be enough for someone to hug me. Or maybe those endorphins get liberated if the people involved in the hug have a close relationship.

"Khanna-san, let me go."

But how am I supposed to build said relationship with someone if no one had ever built it with me, not even my parents? I mean, what kind of monsters never hug her own daughter nor tell her they love her or anything? They have always been like this. Or is there something wrong with me? Maybe they don't hug me because there's something really wrong with me; it must be because no one had ever hugged me or gotten close to me. And what's wrong with me? Why can't I feel emotions like regular people? But it's not my fault I'm incapable to feel them.

Yes it is.

.

.

.

Yes it is.

"Uhm… what are you doing?" someone asks.

Both Yuri Okabe and I turn towards this person.

Who is Ino-san.

Yuri Okabe stops hugging me, steps back, wipes her tears and smiles at Ino-san.

"Hi," she says. "What you doin' here?"

"Well, I wanted to 1) come to the bathroom and 2) get out of class, so… But why were you two hugging alone in the bathroom? And are you smiling, Khanna-san? That's super weird and creepy, stop it. But why are you two hugging? You even seem like a cou—oh," Ino-san raises her eyebrows and stares at us surprised. "Uhm… I think I'll better leave."

Ino-san turns back, and clumsily heads to the exit, but Yuri Okabe immediately reaches her and takes her by the shoulder.

"It's not what it looks like," she says.

"Yes," I confirm it. "Yuri Okabe was just crying."

"No, you're lying!" Yuri Okabe lies for some reason.

But maybe she has a good reason to lie, and maybe I need to follow along.

"Yes, I lied. She wasn't crying. We were hugging because… uhm… because hugs are warm and soft, and they liberate endorphins and oxytocin. Do you want a hug?" I extiend my arms and approach Ino-san.

But she pushes me away when I'm close enough.

Doesn't she want a hug or doesn't she want me to hug her?

And a "no" was enough.

"What's wrong with you? Why you want to hug me? You're creeping me out, go away."

"But hugs liberate endorphins and oxytocin. Don't you want feel happy?" I approach her again to hug her.

"Not like this! You're scaring me, go away!" she rejects me again.

And I really need a hug right now.

"Anyway," Ino-san says. "Why are you two here and why is she crying?"

"I'm not crying!" Yuri Okabe exclaims.

"Yeah, right, so who put those tears in your face?" Ino-san points at Yuri Okabe's face, where there are still some tears running down her cheeks.

Yuri Okabe immediately wipes her face with the back of her hands.

She obvioulsy doesn't want Ino-san she has been crying all this time, so I have to do something about it.

"Those are not tears, they are… drops of sweat. She was sweating because… we've been hugging for so long she started sweat—

"Shut up, Khanna-san; you're really making me cry!" Yuri Okabe exclaims.

I think I mess everything up.

Oh, yes, I was supposed to stay quiet to avoid this exact situation.

Well, there's still something I can do to comfort her.

"Sorry," I tell her. "Do you want a hug?"

"No!" she exclaims.

I know I said a "no" was enough.

But it still hurts.