I'm better than what I'm worth

Dear Bubbles,

I know my value. And I know life won't give me what I deserve. As much as I rant and let myself be swallowed by self pity I never end up getting the answers to questions I constantly ask. Why do bad things happen to good people? Why as soon as I try to be happy something bad happens? Why am I still suffering after six damn years?

Neither of us can answer those questions, and I doubt they'll ever be answered. But all I can say is fuck him, fuck his excuses, fuck his love, fuck his stupid fucking ring, and fuck his selfishness. He was right from the very damn beginning I deserve better than him. I'll be sure to remind him of that too. The worst mistake he made was telling me how to hurt him, because my petty ass will use it against him.

He deserves it actually, he deserves to be reminded of how he hurt me. I shouldn't have had to suffer because he lacks empathy. I'm angry that he misses me but I fucking hope he misses me. I want him to mourn what he could have kept for a very very long time. Because I know for a fact if I wanted I could have almost anyone I wanted. Does that mean half of them will be better than him? No. Does that mean the other half will be worse than him? Also no.

I've learned some very valuable things within the past few years. You can't always rely on the people you love, because that's more often than not the reason why you get fucked over. You don't have to be traumatized to be selfish. Just because people know your pain does not mean they will listen, because all they want to hear is that they're right. From there your feelings are worthless to them. And finally, beauty does not mean you will be loved, you will be loved for your body maybe your face, but you will not be loved for who you are. Beauty is a different kind of pain, it isn't a pain to maintain it, it's a pain to be noticed as strong.

One thing that stuck with me the most is that you don't have to be traumatized to he selfish. In fact I've met numerous people who did not live a simular if not the same life as I did. They were shocked at my pain, shocked on my outlook on life and still threw me away for selfish reasons. And yet I hold onto those people. I claim I love them, I claim I'll move on, and I claim I'm mad at them. But deep down I know I'm just in love with the feeling they gave me, I know it will take me a long, long time to move on, and I know I'm not always mad at them.

He was selfish. He knew my life, he knew the shit selfish men did to me. And he still threw me away. Not even a drop of empathy for the pain he caused me. I don't think he loved me the way he claimed to. I think he fell in love with the way I made his stomach create butterflies, or the way I'd cling to him never wanting the attention to stop, or the way I reminded him he was worth my time.

In the end he was worth my time, but he wasn't worth my future. I don't really think that makes sense but what I mean is that he was meant to spend the time he did spend with me, and that he wasn't meant to stay all my life. I think I'll always miss the way he'd make me smile, or the way he'd always remind me that he loved me. No one I've been with before had done that. The effort was there and his words were not empty and worthless, his kisses were genuine and filled with passion.

But none of that matters because it was all eaten by his own selfishness. In the end selfishness almost always wins, first you'll question, then you'll make a mistake in your plan, and then it all backfires. And you'll just become the selfish bastard, your love won't mean anything anymore, and your kisses will become worthless.

That's the way I see it anyways. His love may have been genuine but they're just painful memories now. He made numerous mistakes that lead to him being selfish. I'll hopefully move on and just me saying that is progress. Even if i haven't deleted all the photos of us, even if I still have his contact and messages. Those will take time unfortunately. It's hard to delete good memories because they're a sign of what little happiness I had.

For once, I saw a genuine smile in those photos, it wasn't just a smirk. It was an ugly wide smile filled with joy. The smiles didn't make me anymore attractive in fact I'd much rather go with my signature smirk. Because at least the smirk did my beauty good. But I loved the happiness in my eyes when I saw those photos. It looked like I was alive for once.

I enjoyed feeling alive, I had a reason to drag myself out of bed. I had a reason to eat more, or drink more water. I had a reason to actually fulfill my future plans rather than just having them "just in case I live," but now it doesn't matter. I'm back at square one. Being alive isn't even an option anymore, just living for the people who need me. I wonder how many times I've said that, cause I just got a rush of deja vu. Doesn't matter I guess.

I read in a book once that the main character "let the sleeping dogs lie," it means he avoided his problems. Do you think I do that? It feels like I do sometimes.

-Tomie Grayson